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CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 6 – Emotions Evoked

“Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I needed to know how far I was willing to go, and changes I could make that weren’t working. There were a lot of the questions that I kept asking myself. I always feared to be different, when the world shared the same mind set, I just wanted to be a part, but I knew I didn’t fit well in that division. I had a mind of my own, and everyone has their own perception about life, it may seem as if though our goals are different but they weigh the same profusion. They have something in common, joy, ecstatic fulfillment and unequivocal happiness, It seemed and I believed that people that made it across the globe, people that have successfully achieved their goals, hopes and dreams, people that have all the joy that we seek, all of them chose to be different. The joy of life is that you get to determine your own happiness when most see it as an unfortunate circumstance, the question was, was I able to determine mine? I’ve had a lot of conversations by myself.  Like those when I couldn’t have her as my own, just how I tried to explain that I don’t have to replace anyone in their life, when I merely wanted to create my own place in their hearts.

“I am not okay with how my life turned out to be, things have gone their own way, my own way is deserted, I am not where my heart desires to be. The chair I am sitting on doesn’t suit me, I have tried to move on the path that would show me the light, but I seem to have to make radical decisions just when I thought my life was getting somewhere. I wake up daily looking at people living my dream and yet I find it very hard to make it through. But yes, I have survived the worst, giving up seemed to have crossed my mind too many times than I have lived. But there’s always something within us, something that nobody can take away even if they tried. Something that separates you from the rest that we wished we had. There’s a winner within you. Nobody made it alone; we all need somebody to give us a little push to the right direction”

Seated alone under a tree, in a scary bush that I could never remember how I got there, my thought took me far apart from my own world, thinking and wondering how all has come so far to a point that nothing ever made sense.  I stood up, “life, where are you taking me?” I screamed. In the early hours of the night, came across a thought that had me going with myself for some time that when I came back all was yet still not achieved. My intrusion thoughts that kept me thinking about what I really wanted to achieve in life, things I admire, people I want to be with and associate myself with. Friends I had, believed there’s more that I can achieve than what I set myself, but I knew that at the end of it all it’ll come down to what I want and what or rather who I choose to live for. Still trapped in my thoughts I looked at the spectrum of possibilities, the potential being within me. I would look at one day that has past and to think of that many hours that has past that I haven’t been very productive with my life. The word “useless” started to be painted across my face; it took me sometime to wash that off my face. “I have failed my life” The feeling that had me entrapped that I began to live by the words. My life was full of what I had walked on.  I never felt pressured even when my peers were doing well. I had to start believing in something, I feared, I became conscious of my surroundings. It was not just me; there were and still are a lot of us that are still in that coma, so sad that a few are stuck and trapped barricade by unfortunate circumstances, the world is a tunnel and the universe is in a space nowhere. I always knew that it’s never too late to make a few amendments with one’s life. I was never prepared to try again, I feared failure, and I feared death, all of which are inevitable.  We failed numerous times in life, we are bound to, and we have to accept that. “Give up” that was one of the voices in my head; how can one stop this madness, I asked when all you have is your life, how do you then give up on the only thing you have. I travelled a long walk; I wanted to walk even further. It’s never an easy task, rather one mammoth task that you start to question yourself if it’ll ever end, and the truth is it never does; the only end is through death.

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

“I pictured my life differently”

“I. but how” I added.

Threw me off the cliff, if planning is so essential then why doesn’t it always turn out as planned. I only realized that planning doesn’t get you where you want to be, it only boasted my confidence to start walking, but where It threw me, was a place I belonged, I tell you now that at this moment, whether you are grieving, you are in pain, or you are happy, you can’t figure out what just happened, that right there, that’s where you supposed to be at this instant of time, you cannot be in that place forever I know, unless if we choose to.  Feels like every step is a decision to make and every decision you make is bound to be a risky one. In our minds we don’t realize the worthy of risking our future by taking essential steps; we always want things to work out.

 

.But Someday, a day that might never come, who cares because someday is the only hope we have. I walk with so much faith, because in my mind I knew that someday it’ll all be alright. I don’t know when might that be, but I know that day will come. It doesn’t mean life doesn’t go on, that I have to sit and wait for that day. Maybe my someday is death, Maybe my someday is wealth, Maybe my someday is love, but I know for a fact that my someday is a mystery.  Don’t look at my life with a hopeless eye, because every one of it will end.

“Someday” I said.

“A day of mystery, A day of commemoration of the past life, as we fearlessly take another step, one of significance, dearly endured all torment” I added.

I don’t know a way forward but I know a path of a way of a direction, I don’t know so many things, I have so many questions, I would like to know the answers to, but then again, if I knew everything, would it make any difference? As one gets older it doesn’t matter what difference it will make, at least we’ll have all the facts.

I knew that I was solely responsible for the actions that I was going to take. Even if that may have occurred, I needed some time off from my own self unaware that I was a bomb that had already exploded, the question I had in mind was, do I have to pick up those pieces and rebuild them back together, wouldn’t that be yet another boom?

This is when I realized that this is only the point when my mother’s passing was sinking deeply, when I thought it had already sunk. That’s the only time when I knew that it’s time to let go even if this was my official deliverance from myself. I needed someone who understood me better, just so I can have a shoulder to cry on. At times in life, when you get deeply in some sort of crisis, it seems like everyone then starts to untie themselves from you, when you indeed, need them most. It’s one of the packages that life comes with, and there’s nothing that one can do to change that. When there’s no one there’s just nobody and we have nothing else but to accept the terms of life. It’s then that you have a choice to make, really that doesn’t even matter at the time because you have nothing else to do but do what you have to do to walk against all odds. People seem astonished that the orphaned are often pitied, sometimes it works for us, as time goes it gets old.  How sad that I used to get opportunities that because I didn’t feel loved, I just let them slide, it then shows how important love was to me, because if I would choose anything in this world, it would be to love people and be loved in return. The rest wouldn’t even matter.

We are often misunderstood, and we often expect too much too soon for a lifetime. Yet, we not blind and it’s not like we don’t know that things will never be the same, we turn a blind eye, and hope for better days.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

As I was throwing up in that moment must have been something I ate the previous night. I told myself numerous times when at all these times I didn’t want to believe, “Your mom is gone”. No matter how many times I could repeat it to myself I never wanted to accept. I cried in my room for several hours, I would spend most of my time in the bedroom, and my aunt hated it. I would’ve have told her that I just need to be hugged, loved, and tell uncle to stop with unnecessary arguments, but then I was terrified by the way things worked out at home, eventually I got used to it. That’s when I possibly begin to go out of the room, even when at times it felt like I was laughed at behind my back. The kind of a kid I was is the kind that everybody judged to be a thief, a sellout, amongst other names that I would hear my own people. When in fact I was just an ordinary child who has just lost his only parent and needed some time to heal, but everyone else looked past that, that when I started acting weird, I was called disrespectful.

 

Days went by slowly but surely, as each day pass, were the worst, and those were my early days. “God, please walk through with me, for I forgive him”. Raising a child that’s not your own, as a child I didn’t understand the burden that I was causing, if perhaps I have done something wrong, to be in a house that I have to tremble my way to sleep each night, that when nobody was home it was the most joyous feeling, at last there was peace. But eventually everything worked out; I don’t know how I made it through, which I never thought I would. But I did, some arguments are still stuck in my head, some insults are still in my head. I can forgive but I cannot forget and that’s just how it will always be. Through these toughest days, His grace carried me all the way from all impossibilities, from the strangest, to a place I called home; right back where it had all began. I don’t like to be a wall in between people, and that’s how I felt, constant arguments, when 9, 10th of them were about me. “Your Sister’s Child”. Those were the words I constantly heard. At most of the time I would provoke these arguments, I would instigate them, because I had already lost meaning between right and wrong. At School I was a different person, that’s the only place I felt needed. Growing up like that, made me a bit stubborn, I didn’t want to listen, I didn’t want to do what I was told because in return I didn’t feel loved. I had a mind of my own. I wanted different things from what’s considered normal, I was told this, but I would do that. Most would say I was a rebel, a real one indeed.

I still don’t want to blame anyone for the things that will not be changed. It was my challenge to battle my own way, even though I sucked at it. Still here and I was trying to make it even further. All that I have done to this far is nothing but give a lot of people headaches with my undecided emotions. Whatever was underneath the surface, I had hoped to find it, even though it might never be today, but one day, I knew somehow I’d wake up and break free from all the madness and I’d possibly know a correct path to take, because at the point I was in, it seemed more like I was lost, even though it was clear I still didn’t want to believe it.

Distractions are an addiction, lots of what my mind has anticipated. Moving back and forth through the rain, trying to walk and walk with a limping leg, holding tighter to my faith. I have nothing to be scared of, yet failure is what my mind keep crawling back to. My name isn’t a definition of what’s in the name, but what’s behind its work, that’s how I’ve always wanted to define myself.  I am now in trouble with my inner soul because all that’s left of me and the only thing that I can hold on to is life itself. I was not in the mood for smiles, never mind the fake ones. I was surrounded by fake friends, fake people, when I am stricken through by a black lightning, covered off by black clouds, I am neglected. But when the sun is brighter everyone seems to want to be on the shine and closer to me and make friends.

One day when I woke up, was the day I thought it would be fair if I marked my territory and trusted all that’s just within my heart. The lowest ranked soul is in danger of the outsiders, mugged by the disciples as one of its followers. I am now in a hole, trying to prevent the worst but all that I can think of yet again are the lies that I have endured and lived by all my life. The days of my life are counted by a finger that’s dripping of blood. I don’t know and I never knew the sense from what’s known by only what people knew. I am now going in deeper through in a scent that’s smells of blossoms in a bunch.  No way that I have what it takes to walk through a fired wall, burning fiercely, and walk on top of heated red coal, not having realized I have already walked through sharp needles. The phrase “My entire life” seems to be misused, I will never use a phrase like a promise that I cannot keep. I have only my entire life to make it right, and live it right. Everyone can make it through all obstacles that you they may not want to face, but that one is bound to be faced for the reaping to be worthy.   I believe we are stronger for the tasks assigned for us, the question that stands out is, are you willing to finish the tasks to get rewarded.  I never thought I would ever be ready to be ready for anything. I have no reason to stop believing, but I have a reason to cry and my tears tried to stop me from going to get what I deserved most. With my faith and hope lost, I felt deserted. Yet, I knew I am the one deserting myself. All I wanted was to blame myself because it’s hard enough to blame someone. So I have nothing to lose in blaming myself, all that is, is more pain than what my heart can handle. I have had chest pains now and then, all of is due to unstoppable tears that I have cried to many times. Just a look at one’s self trying to make amends with a heart that isn’t willing, it’s always a step back because nothing ever works out.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Going back to talk to my other friends, those that I had marked as my utmost friends that would stand beyond my family, as the trust I had for my own was minimal. I would seek for help, not bluntly, just someone to listen, and they would, I thought that would help, even when it did, I never realized it has. I was still caught in all that misery, I am trying to be safe from all of my own emotions, I am trying to find my way home but home is a deserted place and I knew there was no one home. How do you run back to a home when there isn’t anyone? When I reached there, I had found my way back, but all that was left, was just me. There isn’t a home with just a broken hearted man seeking for all that can make him bring that smile back. A day may have seemed like a lifetime, I had no idea what I was trying to achieve with my life. I still find myself screaming out at the door hoping someone would hear me but my heart already knew that there isn’t anyone. It’s just me, I have to live by own rules. The only moments in life when I realize that I am on my own, in denial but a thought crossed my mind numerous times. Help me seek my own image, I am not trying to protect it, I am trying to find it to keep it. The depths of my sorrows have been hidden for a long time. I let myself go, extremely so, when I thought perhaps a woman would mend my heart. When I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself, and so did everyone. I hadn’t any idea that this would affect me for this long. I knew that first impressions last, even in life. I had no any other choice but to walk, walk away from whatever I was hang on to. I have no idea why my heart keeps going to undesirable places when all that I need is a home. Again I get struck in a middle of my own journey, no matter how I tried, I felt far away from finding myself. I am now in a journey with no single sign that I might get lost in a road that I was already lost in. Everyone seemed to be looking at my every move, I thought they’d help, but they are looking to see if I’ll make it and survive my own war. The mistake was that I started to concern myself with thoughts and opinions of others. That moment when I thought that life is taking me somewhere, it was not doing anything and I even forgot that I was doing all the work, and it’s very sad how a little opinion can take you back to what use to be, and believe and starts to live one’s life through opinions, It happened to me and before I knew it, I was back to where I started.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

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CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 5 – Emotions Evoked

“Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

There is a place nicknamed MGP, known as Mogopa, where I originate, I was living with my Grandmother because my mother was working far away from home, In about that time I didn’t know who my biological father was, my mother hated it every time when I mentioned his name, and she didn’t want to discuss anything about him. My life started on without a father. Sometimes I felt like God did me wrong, everyone had been saying everything happens for a reason.

I immersed into some sort of realization, that perhaps I have been fooled. Fooled by the circles of what’s below the actual means, polluted by dark snows, in the mist of clouded rains, torn apart by time lost and the trauma. When at times I was stricken by reality, how my eyes faded away from the truth.  Every Judgment from human, felt real, embracing the person I am not through all given thoughts and opinions. The impure qualities of humanity, the danger of what I have become. The more I nurtured, that’s when I sucked my thumb. The beauty, from which I saw, was the flow of blood. I wanted my mind to be emancipated from all deception. I secluded myself in a dark hole for a life of anguish and desolation, grew within the elation of being pitied, and couldn’t break through out of my own despondency.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

The busiest day in my life was figuring out my path, dreams I’ve had, lies I’ve lived. Making all sort of demands to be made feel special, to be known, to live, to be an existence of all presence. The sovereign I wanted to construct, the life that I wanted to re-build. Simple gestures of life that flooded my life with doubts, loving myself less than what I expected in the eyes of another. Everything appeared seamlessly, so I had me hoodwinked, felt like a drought of sense, humor and life.  My broken heart lies beneath fallen skies. I don’t understand my world, yet my world is trying to understand me.  All of my desires packed within, sealed with low self-esteem. What if, the only words of my own encouragement.

“The lack of liveliness because of the life to live and to live to die”, the voices said that could be a raison d’être to give in. Yet, words not enough to describe reasons to be and let be. Obsessed about the past, a shelter built full of times of yore. I never realized how much this could help me put pieces back together. It never made any sense at first but then it occurred to me that I’ve pulled a trail of agony, and it had got me to this far, and that’s because I let it happen, I am here because I made it through all of that. If I made it then, why wouldn’t I now? Overcoming a struggle lately seemed as a burden we carry through with us, all the way to the end of the road, made me wonder why. I talk the talk, it’s the walk that my feet got strapped with a ticking boom of all the miserable life I lived, “Lived?”,  how is it then affecting what’s ahead. I walked to a certain point in life, it felt like I have walked enough yet it has only been few steps.  My core inner feelings sheltered within yet exposed to the past, vulnerable, with such small amount of some sort of time to explode into tears.   It’s misty outside, and there are people walking through that mist. I was never one with the people.

 

Questions I asked, why it had to be her, when there are so many bad people in this poor world. Why didn’t it be one of them? I can never change what had happened; I know we all choose how we want to end a hurtful journey to start a happier one. In a middle of a smile, at times it just doesn’t feel right. This I felt few days after my relocation, yet I know it might have been triggered by the behavior I am often not used to.  In a long run, I begged to ask, will it ever be worth it? How can this particular event about a loss of a family be a blessing in disguise? It’s hard to accept and let go of the things you can’t change. What is the use? My fear as a child wasn’t that I may commit suicide, only if that was easier, also it may have occurred number of times in my dreams, but I never had enough courage to do it, what I feared most was that I could be next in that list and that I wasn’t ready to face death. I go around looking deep in other places, looking for that one thing that may have been hidden beneath the deeper lies, something to hold on to. Memories are never enough, enough is not a word enough to describe a bit of a single fraction of what my heart desired.  It saddens me to be having memories I never had, that of my Sister, My half-brother, and my Dad. My Mother on the other hand, I had her for 14 years, when those with my siblings are of no number, and my dad’s?

“NO! Stop it”.

The mistress stopped me from drowning myself.  Looking down into what have happened, and gazing at some things in life, things that not one soul can explain. The scenario was that you find yourself sitting with the loved one, the person that means the world to you and yet, there’s no one sign that that one particular moment could be the last, the last touch, the last kiss, the last breath, because we are always hoping for better days and even much happier days. See, happiness is valued by all, the world of piece, endearment, and love with the one’s you truly want to spend your life with. We look the other way when facts are told that someday one is guaranteed to stop from breathing. With all the tears we cry I often see it as tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory, tears that we cry, because of all the things that happens in our lives, for the fact that we know that we only have this chance at life, it’s the only chance to go all out and claim our own sit, and start living this precious life like no other.

“One day, you’ll have a story to tell”

“Indeed I will”

“You promise?” he asked

A conversation I had with my best friend, looking into his live. He had everything I desired, everything I had lost. As he had minor fights with his little brother and he was back chatting, later on, they were hugging and joyful, that brought tears into my eyes, because I had always, through my entire life pictured that in my head, those moments are priceless.

“I promise.” I said.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

It’s often so sad, to be in this world and all that you think of is what was, that you are on your own and you have to make everything possible for yourself, you are all you got to survive. That mother-love is no more.  The words “It’s up to you” gave me shivers and sleepless nights. I knew what I wanted, it was the how part that was the most difficult. It’s a trickery life we live; this reminds me of a woman I met for a very short period of time. It felt like a series of what I had seen in the lover’s eyes, I had climbed to the peak of the mountain, searching for the end of the peak to look down into what I had known for a short period of time. I cried out let’s start over, because I convinced myself that I loved her and never got the chance to prove it. We had even spoken of double dating; the words that extended my heart beat with joy. She made me say the words, and then she just dropped me off a mountain peak. I wondered if she’d ever come back, the song in mind. I walk along a descending mood to unsettled feelings.  Letters, words and feelings inscribed.

“I cannot believe that perhaps I had hopes about us. You made me feel need you awkwardly even more, when you walked out that door. I was in love with you for that one single second. The second I can’t seem to get rid of, my heart ruined it when I fell deeper and deeper. I get mad only because I believed in us, I am furious, my mind, heart and soul, you had it all. How do you in turn look at me and tell me, it’s over. I am not writing this down because I want us to start over, you not allowing your heart to look into the eyes of the heart that truly needs to be with someone like you. You said too many times that you loved me; the only mistake I made is that I believed it, and knowing of your existence is what I regret most. The pain you caused me, excuses you made, making me feel guilty, for things I didn’t do. For the first time in my life, I actually thought … you are real, you are and I am, yet I was the only one in it. You fooled me into believing, you deceived me into loving, and you twisted the only sentiment that’s left of me. You crushed me over and over. Each day pass by, just pretending that I am actually fine. When I am hurting, I don’t know how I actually make it through a day. I trusted you easily. I see you, and I see nothing different than the rest of `em. I will take the blame yet again, for loving you, funny that I still do, funny that every night you cross my mind, and I pretend and try so hard to ignore it, yet you still there. I did build a place for you in my heart, now I have a huge space in your name and yet no one is home; see love had me fooled yet again.”

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

Those were my last words to her, when she had said that she’s stopped caring and living her life like it’s full of gold sparkles. I chuckled quietly in pain, from where I was standing was just one of those moments, trying to figure out how could I’ve believed all that she had said, wondered if she ever cared at all.  But that was just a glance in the past. Although every bit of the life I was living felt like that, that I have lived before. I kept losing bits and pieces of everything that meant a lot to me, but I never faked love, I’ve always faked hatred. The storms got heavier and heavier I wondered if it’ll get any easier as time progressed, that one chance of life cannot be that of misery for the few of its remaining years.  I didn’t want to believe that, because in my eyes I saw clearer through pain, even though at times I turned a blind eye, I honestly knew it’ll get better in time but then again I would ask myself that if time heals, how is it that after 10 years it still feels the same way when I was only 14. I looked into it with disbelieve. I think a happier life heals. Time doesn’t do much, it takes love to heal, and takes love to hurt, time is only allocated for moments like that. A smallest fraction of hurt opened old and forgotten wounds, then it felt like I was back again to where it began.  I have my own healing moments, my own world in my head, the world of no worries, the world of piece, in the middle of undesired natures, when I have no hope to hang on to comes that feeling. “Oh it’s a good feeling” as I said with such joy, It breaks through my internal system, It mends all broken hearts. You laugh, you dance, you rejoice, feels like you at the peak of your best self. You know, you began to believe and see that everything is going to be okay. You feel set free, like the sun starts to shine brighter. You feel heaven’s wings, such a warmth hug, and tears of joy over flowing, the mystery cannot be explained.  I am at peace, and no distractions shall prosper, but it was just a temporary feeling. I hate to believe that I went through that all for nothing and if that’s the case, the question to ask is, was my life worth it at all. I also knew that my mother gave birth to someone, someone who will make a difference and I do stand with my words.  When hope strikes you on your face, like the thrash of the waves, repeatedly, you start to believe, and you keep the faith.

“Zack, Come on!!!” A voice from a distance called.

“What happening?” I asked.

“It’s time”

I was young to understand the meaning of time but, I knew something was amiss. I still see myself walking in a road where there’s so many potholes that I still fall into. There aren’t sidewalks, Jay walking, or short cuts to a speedy discovery or to a journey away from the one that’s so confusing to understand. I guess to sum it up there isn’t speedy recoveries to the heart that’s dismantled.

There I am in a small room one night; I was trying to delineate how to walk passed all these potholes, when in fact the only way out was in. It may have seemed that my path was too much to bear, but I knew that one day, one good day, all will be forgotten and my name will be known not just as a kid who lived a life but also as a kid who was driven from all paths to one particular and that he deserves all that he has accomplished in life.  We all have our days, we have our downfalls, and we are all walking towards the same end, singing songs of joy trying to heal some of the wounds that helped me in times of headaches.  I often look into the mirror, yes I am young I am still trying to figure how to get myself out of my miserable life,  and I’d see a dreamer, but then how useless dreaming can be without any planning or initiating on a different path towards that dream. You might think that people dream big, but I dream bigger. My mind is that of a soul that’s yet  to be valued, appreciated, respected, not because I am arrogant, but because that’s who I chose to be.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

“Words over flowing in my brain, I can’t stop it, this is too much for me, I think I am losing my mind. All I have is blurry images; I have no other means of explaining what might be happening to me. I don’t even know the definition if this is what’s called depression. I need a moment or two with myself. Please do not interrupt me, all I need to do right now is to lock the door and be on my own, in my bed.”

I was only running way from my own thoughts, as they were too alive and real, I needed some rest, that perhaps maybe when I wake up, all this would be gone.

 

A feast of irruption attained with a spear full of blood, yet ironically a consolation for the future. Walking amongst many with a heart that’s still inward and isolated by veins, flowing bloods of doubts yet known as a healing process. My skies are gloom and my days have part ways. Seek and go beyond the limitless surface of my innermost thoughts, it’s a death row down there. Bedtimes are a worst nightmare yet my mornings are the worst-startup-tour. The sun rays aligned at an angle tilted through a hole of a dark room, behind, barricaded by a psyche who’s scared that he might get burned. Lost, confused and battling to erupt from my uneasy unconsciousness. Insipid is the life as the joy is eluded, brushed off by her allotted span of life, eased in times of need.  I go along the sides that most affected me, making stones that have yet to be thrown at me.  My conscious is aware of the consequences; there will be no recuperation of any sort to mend a broken sprit. Despite that fact, I’ve always treated my dreams like when one is harvesting honey, no matter how many times you’ll be stung, you keep going for more until you get that honey. Running out into the street, away from what I was carrying, yet I thought I had left it behind. The load was too heavy; all that I had in mind was to survive my way out.

“Be ferocious and ramble on your pain” whispered a voice.

Even though I knew what to do and the best move to make, I needed someone, somebody, and anybody. I understand the concept of the battle, but when hells break loose and there isn’t a place to hide, sometimes we need someone to pray with. I am now focused my energy on something that’s not going to benefit me in the future although I  had asked too many questions that if that’s indeed the case, why is it playing such a bigger role, invading in my space and make me look miserable.

“Be ferocious and ramble on your pain …”

I am trying to find my way, in this gloomy days, I am trying to walk again for I have been stationary. My mind is the one led astray, I don’t want to believe. I refuse to believe, I am hopeless. That single gleam that might kept me in my right minds is no more. I am now faced with the monster.

“Be ferocious and ramble on your pain …”

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

I keep hearing the voices, fighting them to stop; I thought I was losing it. I thought I was crazy. I just wished my mother would come to me in a dream, just to let me know that all will come to an end and that brighter days are yet to come. I waited for the dream that was never going to be dreamed. A dream of a nightmare I had faced with was that of reality.

“Be ferocious and ramble on your pain …”

Fourth time, I am having a sleepless night, I can’t find my way to go to sleep, I am fighting myself to sleep, I am going crazy this time, please leave me alone creature. I am tossing and turning, the light began to flick, then I woke up, kneed and I prayed, that’s when you know that I was really terrified.

“…Amen”

I became calm, went back to bed. I was now wide awake. The terror might have been for that moment, I listened, and I listened. Then suddenly just when I was about to sleep,

“Be ferocious and ramble on your pain …”

But I wasn’t scared anymore in that moment; I am now trying to figure out what the voice is trying to tell me. Yet the meaning might be very clear for considering the state of my behavior. I slowly, closed my eyes. It was in winter when I felt a cold breeze from the outside coming in and out through the window, as I tried to stay as calm as I could be.

“Umm… “‘

I opened my mouth widely about to talk back to the voice with my eyes closed, listening attentively. A thought crossed my mind in that very moment. I asked myself if I was crazy. I might really be losing it this time. I am not about to talk to the voice. I battled through my own thoughts trying not to reply to the voice.

“Umm… Hey, I…”

My mind froze on its own but I knew I wasn’t going to let this one slide, I had already made up my mind and I wanted to know and ask questions. Even if I was considered crazy, who cared, there’s only one way for me to find out for real if this voice exists. I am all by myself what’s the worst that could happen?

“Hey voice…”

Then there was a complete silence, and I knew that I was crazy. Now I can have a peaceful night and not torture myself up with the unreal. I am there laughing at myself, Now I am even mocking the voice as I was laughing louder and louder.

“Do you have a name, voice?”‘

I laughed some more, at myself not realizing that, that’s just even more craziness. A crazy truck of thoughts ran into my mind, slowly catching a sleep, when suddenly.

“My name is Gloria, Gloria Velsey”

Faded off, although I heard the voice once again and dozed off. Subconsciously the voice was still talking to me, in the morning I woke up and when I did, the first words to speak were,

“Good Morning Gloria…”

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

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Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 4: Emotions Evoked

“I scored before I could score and missed”

Suddenly everything slowly started to make sense, although I couldn’t get the sense of how it had all began, I was way too young to endure such misery. Lonely and miserable in my own way, suddenly I started to enjoy the sadness and tears, the pain and being hurt made me feel miserably better. I still walk through a path chasing trouble, seeking and sniffing for animosity in places I wasn’t wanted although I had hoped things would get better. I remember High School and how good I was with numbers, where I’d always create equations to solve any problem, methods I still used throughout my entire life, creating formulas and equations to solve what’s at hand. The strength I needed, I already had it. I convinced myself that sometimes the tears we cry are all the strength we need to overcome a burden and move on to the next step. At times one’s life seems to be a sinking boat, once the boat has sank, we learn to swim, and swim ourselves out of the ocean, and then it’ll start to raining, we crawl our way out of the rain through storms, the only chance we’ve got is to cross over, yet it comes to mind that, the other side has its own ups and down as well.

We fail to understand that trouble is created to be there at all times, we only struggle with one thing, how to deal with it. We all can never deny that we want one thing in life, success, some see it as wealth, being able to afford the expenses of life. I have always hated It when I was constantly reminded that at some point we all going to die, gone for good, and asked if given a chance to look at what you have lived for, what change will you have brought in this precious little cruel world we call earth? Have you yet achieved all that you were eager to accomplish? We all know that these challenges are what make life what it is. Everyone has a finish line in life; the question is what’s yours? But I can assure you, our finish line is at one point, we are all headed there, it’s only a matter of time, for as long as you live, for as long as you breathe, make it a point that you reach to that point, some made it, some died before they could even start racing. Once you start racing, you should know you are in competition with yourself and your own happiness. That’s the full potential that’s everyone is referring to, along the way there will be a lot of falls, you might be diagnosed with Cancer, HIV, you might lose your job, you might lose your legs, and a whole lot more obstacles to get in your way, but that when you reach the finish line, it becomes a new beginning of new challenges, but that put your spirit at ease, you feel better, any challenge doesn’t matter when you have reached the side that’s meant for you. You feel the satisfaction, the triumph; you feel like a warrior, that brings a lot of joy, nothing feels better than tackling challenges of life with a smile on your face. The Feeling of success, like a complaint free society, although it’s in our nature, it has become oblivious to complain. That’s all that I wanted to do with my life.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

So there I was, as I exhumed a lot of hidden secrets in my heart, too many thoughts clouded as I pulled the curtain open early that Morning. I was still stuck in my own world, worlds apart from the ordinary, and the instant moment of a memory taken aback. Wild paths stigmatized by the perception of in denial. Yet, an amazing journey to paddle through and thrash out details in order. Swayed along to a moment in time when I first made love.  I must say it was a mammoth task, dull and nothing I had imagined. This was premeditated, and I was never going to back down. Sunset, 30th of December 2009, I was at my cousin’s grandma’s house, yes, I was home alone, waited for her. Losing my mind and nervous,

“Am I really doing this?” I asked myself continuously,

“Knock Knock”…

The nerve starts to really kick in, “Come in” I said, you could hear my voice trembling,

“. And you just had to get a fat lady, she weigh a little bit above 150 K’s and you weigh just less than 50”, my mind kept asking trying to ruin the moment,

“Shut up” my body responded, the next thing, you know, she walks in.

“Hi” I greeted her as I took a very good look at her, thinking to myself, “So this is it, huh?”

“Hi” she greeted back, offered her a chair, she sat on the other side opposite from where I was sitting, it’s now quiet in a room, and in my head I am thinking “so what, do we just get to it? Or we wait? Do I ask her if she’s ready? What is a man to do? Be a man goddamn!!!”

I don’t know what to do, I am freaking out, she’s older, and I thought she’d take the lead. And the only thing that came to my mind at about that time, I looked at her and said,

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

“I wonder what’s on TV”, I mean you should understand that it was actually the very first time I had a conversation with her, I have never had any relations with this lady and we are about to have sex. She stood up and she said “I’ll show you what’s on TV”, she pulled me towards her and squeezed her body against mine, she started kissing me, I kissed back, and in my head I am thinking “Ok, now I am really curious to what’s on TV”. We haven’t reached to the point where I had to take off my clothes, the kiss really got me steamy and got me a little bit messy, and now it was time for the real deal, I am standing there thinking, “okay I cannot really switch off the light because they aren’t on and it’s still around 6pm, so she’s going to see it anyway.”

She started undressing herself, I had a big grin on face, I was ready to dive in, I grabbed a packet of rubbers and used 1. I was really sweating up, but the only thing in my mind was to finish what I was doing and it was really taking forever, that very moment in life that I regret that I never enjoyed any of that moment of it, she wanted to go for the second round but I was already exhausted and not interested anymore.

 

.I pulled open the last curtain in the dining, as I was dwelling back into my thoughts. How could I’ve destroyed my first time like that? It was quite bold and clear to me that it could’ve been because she was gifted and older, or another factor that I am not going to get into right now. I came back from that tedious journey, and I was done opening curtains, made myself breakfast, and set there for hours, I was getting ready to meet up with my best friend, it was quiet a distance to travel. When I got there, I told him what had happened, he started mocking me and suggesting men enhancement products, we laughed even if it didn’t sit well with me. Thinking to myself and I believed that Johnny and I are just fine; we all give it a name at some point. On my way back from his home, I drowned in deepest pull of thoughts about the things I wish I would’ve done differently. Socked up with a desire to walk into the depth of what was beyond my reach, lacking too much strength to hold on to what was already there to observe, yet the enervating heat was not an obstacle. Back and forth as the past came into pass, I needed to be liberated from my own thoughts. I walked right through in turmoil, bewildered by my own behavior. How could’ve allowed myself to do that to myself, I knew I was better than the things I turn to do.  A lot had seen me as “The Man”, Loved by many, yet known by few. I have put too much perception about what’s in the words that are written than the words from within, but the truth had already been told too many times. Ever since I had sexual relations with that woman, I’ve never seen, or allowed myself to be in the arms of another. At 25, nothing changed much; I had nothing that reflects a better person that I paint on my own writings. Deeply I was still a hurt little boy with so much to get over, sometimes, it made me feel like I never wanted anyone, to actually be cared for, when at times, it may look like I am actually pushing everyone that’s important to me, but I didn’t, I just expected too much, I wanted to be the first priority in everyone’s lives, not that I felt to be more superior than others, something was missing in myself, something that would ultimately complete me. I find myself in tears at times, of the things that really don’t make any sense, forgiveness has always been my weakest point but then the events will be replayed over and over and still wonder at some point if I had really forgiven myself enough to forgive them. The hole within my heart is a magnet of all unfortunate desires, it seem to attracts the bad and separate me from the good. I think to myself that I would’ve been in therapy to be able to cope on my own, because my greatest fear was to find myself in a lonely position with no one to turn to. In fact, I seem to have called it upon me that I always blame the nearest object. But when I choose to forget, I forget for real, I fall out of fear and face what’s called rejection because the one I needed was someone with unswerving loyalty.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

Peaceful appetite of a beautiful breeze from the east shook me awake from dreadful thoughts. On my way back from my friend’s place, I saw a limping dog, no difference from what I had pictured myself. I sat down with that dog, while brushing it’s hair on the head to the back “What wrong boy?”, when I checked under its limping leg, there was a sharp spike, that I removed, I could feel it’s pain as I was removing it, and I felt like I am just like the dog, my life is limping and there’s a sharp spike that’s causing the limper, sadly the dog needed someone to help remove the spike, could it have been the same thing with my life? Two blocks away from home, I receive a call from the lady from the previous day, my mind screamed, “ignored the call”, thinking to myself, is this the man I grew to be, at that very point it felt very good and annoying at the same time, then the breeze shook me right back into a place where a complete mayhem broke out right through my mind. The man that I portray to be, a heart to break thousands, coated with such hatred, soaked with dirt, contaminated with fear and an excuse of what was. When all those stories got older, and everyone had enough, enough of looking into my eyes and feeling sorry for me, when I, in fact never wanted to be pitied. An evening that ruined my inner most beauty and left it bruised and naked. I linked myself to a wrong crowd, pressurized into a hot full bottle of fire, yet I did want to experience.  She deserved better than me, I know I could’ve been better but my heart didn’t let me, and I didn’t want to. I refused to change into a better man that she hoped for. If it was so clear in my heart that I never loved her one bit why did I continue with it? The saddest part was when she told me how she felt about me, and said the exact words that I had hoped she wouldn’t say. I knew how much of a fool I was, yet that didn’t make any difference, the words that came from my mouth were “I am sorry”. I believed in my own imagination of love, I just never pictured it with a real person. I seek for the impossible, yet I never stop looking even if I know that I might never find it. I never apologized yet I was able to forgive myself, she moved on, now she has a family of her own with someone that was meant for her, but that doesn’t justify my wrong doing.

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

I arrived at home; then suddenly.

I moved from a point I was to a point I was not, my world gleamed with ecstatic fulfillment, avoiding reality in the outer shell of space. I moved across the impeccable walls right through my comfort zone. I mangled with my emotions, to point a desired factor of an undisputed factor in an angle from which the view wasn’t clear. I squeezed words into a thin blender to create my own image that suits my own admiration. I mirrored myself with the perception of the world, safely endangered in a room of my own creations. The question was, why is it so hard to let go, move on and get out of our comfort zone and face reality and the bitter world that we live in. My heart lives to love and I’ve never had the courage to let go of anything I loved dearly. The truth is, the phrase “Move on” is easier said to the brokenhearted. We never necessarily move on, we only try to forget. It makes it hard to move on with constant pictures in your head. I am the type that fantasizes about what’s yet to be considered, counted too many chickens and none hatched. I daydreamed about a lot of things and even if I never get to score any of my goals, I never stop shooting although I’ve missed the target too many times. I might try new methods, but I will unequivocally never ever stop shooting at the posts. Which begs me to ask the question, what made me happy? At first I didn’t comprehend the meaning of the question. The depth of the question, how it dug beyond what the mind can’t reach. It is happiness, the root of all traits, the anchor that holds a permanent smile on our faces, the only thing that matters most, and the joy that we seek and yet cannot endure. A place where love is the host, a place to prosper and grow bolder, what is it that made me happy? I wanted to visit that place just once, I was assured, that I will never come back, because that’s the only place that would define who I am. I sought a new way for I was crippled by the path I had chosen. Longing for a day to pass by and afraid to start a new one. Stuck in the beginning of a chapter, I can’t seem to be able to write about my own journey. I am wavering my way out of a closed chapter. I look back into what I had achieved, yet nothing seemed to be of any significant towards the desires of my heart. Life that seemed without purpose, yet I knew the statement was an insult to the Creator. I believed things had already happened, yet that gave me joy to walk through the path of my internal dreams. Then I remembered it was a while back and things that can easily happen. I cried all my tears out thinking that someone would come and dry them out yet nobody showed up,  loneliness caught me in the middle of nowhere, I had assumed that the beast devoured my contentment, or maybe the hurricane came and threw all that’s left away. There was absolutely nowhere that I could hide from them. Years previously I was a juvenile joyful lad just like every youngster would be, who would have thought.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

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Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

Chapter 3: Emotions Evoked

“That singled out moment that even though lies where roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Berseba, Brits, from one small village to another, located in the south west of Brits town, it has been there for more than 17 centuries, more civilized than Mogopa. This began to be my new home. I couldn’t wait to start over, from which my mind had me believed and it was a big shift. From the east were few houses in alignment with the river that was just at the back yet a bit further away to the bush, when the west was more remote houses, covered by lots and lots of trees. The south was a dead-end when the north gave a pathway to other nearby places, like Modikwe, Bethanie and a lot more. The passage between the places was a walking distance when one was ought to do some exercising. A boiled atmosphere excreting the warmth winds blowing crossing the village to the north in the early days of harvesting season. It had begun.

It seemed more like poverty sealed and covered up every possibility of every dream of a young soul all in a fog of tears and wonders, the loss of my parents never ever sat well with me, from the beginning of time to the end of it.  It felt like saddest seasons, dreadful weathers, screaming out “someone unplug my soul and let me sing with angels”, Heavens awaits.  Scornful beauty vituperated the inner me, I have told my story, and I have seen the depth of my wellbeing. They say it’s unpredictable, well, to say the least, I have seen the end of it, when at times one would feel like giving up on a moment that God has provided.

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

Early that morning, after my relocation, I did a bit of introspection, deep in thoughts, seeing that the world was upside down and everything I had just seem to fall. I found it very hard to see what’s beyond possibilities, beyond the skies and observe dreams I had. I couldn’t even see what was before my eyes; everything seemed over exaggerated. Seeking for happiness in doors that I knew there was so much hatred, shadowed my life within a specific scale. Friends, family, relatives, as I had no interest in thickened blood, because I had believed I didn’t have any.  I seemed to worry more about tomorrow than what is in the moment, more concerned about what will than what is, forever stuck in what was, I even forget the divine taste of water, how my High School English teacher would enlighten us in early mornings, “Why would you want to commit suicide when water taste so good, Zack have you really tasted water, Huh?”, as he would randomly ask the question, felt like he was sending a message to me, although he was only referring to the passing of one of the learners who had committed suicide, when rumors had it that it was because of her cheating boyfriend. Blessed is thy soul with an understanding of their purpose, I came to think about my life, see what is now, than what will, to appreciate the present to better my tomorrow, yet not to forget what was, to better my presence. A roller coaster, that’s what they call it. My life had shifted from point A to point B yet I still didn’t know which point was which, it had all taken me back from where I started. The fall I took and what it took to get up encouraged me to let my inner person take over so one wouldn’t feel lonely. I come to realize that all problems are equally nerve racking, that’s how I finally understood that sometimes trust is everything, with so much wrong going on, if the truth was told to everyone, the world would be a chaos. Yet again, no matter how long we keep a secret, it has a funny way of creeping out in the open when we least expect it, words that resonated in my mind, over and over again like when a song elevates.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

I wrote a poem when I was feeling awkwardly alone, when I wanted to feel the love from a woman that never seemed to have loved me.  I tried to seal it and move away from that chapter, but sometimes I just let one day seem more like a life time, when in fact it was just a spur of a moment, it happens to everyone.

“The end of a new beginning had me believed that there will be more tears to cry, unsolved mysteries, here we go again Just like in a dream, moments I sacrificed, I know that I deserve the pain, as I walk in drowning waters I might die today, but I have no regrets I know that I played my part, I wish you knew the heart, that speaks the words of love, the love lost but will be claimed, If not here, Heavens will proclaim. I am willing to walk in the rain, even if it doesn’t stop, and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim. I am standing beside you, hoping that you’d feel the heavy air that I breathe. I am walking beside you, this could be my last walk, angels are walking down, to seal my soul, mountains I’ve climbed all by myself. I wish you knew the heart that speaks the words of love. The love lost but will be claimed, If not here, Heavens will proclaim. I am willing to walk in the rain, Even if it doesn’t stop and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim, I will be waiting, so you can know that I meant every word, I’ll watch from a distance, like an angel up above, For the time is near, I will always remember you. I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim, I am willing to walk in the rain, even if it doesn’t stop, and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim.”

My life then began to be that of unturned and unfulfilled purposes, everything from top to bottom, felt half-filled. I became the source of all emotions, felt from the touch of every edge that’s about to crack and fall off a cliff. My pure sense of affection was attention, to be heard, to be loved. My obsession became to be that of Love.  If anything that’s of the heart compromises what my heart desires, that emanates from the core of the initial ache.  Pure nature captured at the fore front of what I had witnessed, linking all aspects back into perspective. What I had expected was way beyond what was to be offered, believed an inch for every inch that gave me enough glimpse of the truth beyond all lies that I had instilled within.  Demonic gestures of all sorts of impediments, uncertainties and deceits. The evil of all demonic creatures, yet it is of what made the world what it is.

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

6 AM in the Morning, I hated Mondays, in a moment of a short recess with myself in bed before the final snooze of my alarm. I had my mind moving across the universe, swimming all the way up with unnecessary clouds of thoughts, just how they kept me amused, as it had always felt real. Every 5 Minute I would temporarily get lost and catch a sleep, blown off from the journey when my alarm had finally gone off.  It had happened the moment I reached equilibrium, the moment of peace, sensed with a bit of the cultural event of what my mind perceived as love, peace and happiness. That singled out moment that even though lies were roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity. I had put heavy stones up my shoulder and the only thing under my sleeves were that of what made a man disintegrated, when I was reminded to be one of the other, the man to inspire many or be inspired by many. Words running through my mind, as I slowly woke up, leaped off bed, and boiled the water using the electric kettle, far more better civilized that during winter when we had been forced to make fire from the outside, for us to boil water so we can bath. I slowly poured water in a wide bucket, almost every drop at a time; I had taken a trip far back from the time when I was at the angle of the inward light of what I hadn’t seen but had in mind as hope and faith to walk across every journey. The life I desired, how comical that as a child the only thing that I had in my mind before anything else was a woman, perhaps a woman I never got to make any permanent memories with, but I had always thought of a woman, a woman I gave a name, the woman I talk to when I have nobody to talk to, she always listened, and gave me the best advice. I was then on foot across the lights of Heavens, as I had a foretaste of what’s beyond.

“You again, I wonder what’s troubling you this time”, She asked.

I lazed on her chest for a moment.  Although I couldn’t say a thing, I had teary eyes and she just wrapped her arms around me, and that was just about enough.  After the last drop of water, as I came back, I took a very quick bath; I was ready in no time. I was still bruised emotionally, all of which was banked within, and piled up every moment until I started defining my life with the things that had already happened. I placed myself in different situations at all times, because I wanted to be accepted, yet I hadn’t accepted anything that had happened in my life. Bit by bit, a backward progress, was a perfect excuse for a life I dreamed of. I started dressing up for a new day, early off to school, when I started wondering and begging for answers, and its early days for a bruised heart to start an unforeseen journey without the closest at heart, so I thought. The souls of all hearts attached and still had to detach myself. I never knew the difference, letting go didn’t mean forgetting, it meant finding some peace at heart to move from a point of disastrous deeds, to a new path of a different challenge, yet I never wanted to, I refused to.  I wanted it to rain as hard, to feel the pain every day, and felt like I deserved it.

Dwelling in and out as she was still wrapping her arms around me. I was having my breakfast, I then realized that perhaps the first cut isn’t really the deepest, it put your spirit at bay, it isn’t the first cut, it’s a digging hole each day, how deeper it gets, comes back to you as an individual and how you want to deal with it. My mind ran me wild, like I knew all the answers, answers didn’t give me solutions, and they seem to have been adding more to my problems. Paths and patterns, felt like I have gone through this ordeal before, like I’ve said these words before. The last piece of bread and that last sip took me back; I then came to look deeper in my situation. Everyone has a situation, and mine looked far more dubious than what the eye and mind can see. It was complicated for me to explain to myself. Part of which was hurt, part of which was gratified and an amount of tentative moods, thinking of the day I will breathe my last breath and how I preferred to.

There was just too much going on in a very short period of time, I wanted to solve all in that space of time, I’ve seen it happening before and I never liked the results. A struggle always seems to give off better results if one hasn’t given up. Nobody chooses a struggle; we are just bound to go through one. I knew if I never put my life on paper nobody would ever hear about it. The mind seemed to work in mysterious way, the word I had in my mind when I was now ready to go to school.

“I will walk through the path, I will fall through the fall I had already fallen, I will make amends, and I will never stop walking”

For some reason, that even, helped me to keep going.  I felt challenged, but then yes, everyone was. Most of my life I queried and forgot to live, I dreamed and forgot to pursue,   I walked but  I never knew my destination and where I wanted to go, for all we know I could have been walking in circles, felt like a life without a purpose.  But I always hoped, I never stopped hoping for change in my life. It never gets easier; it’s only a matter of the strength I picked up on previous occasions, with enough hope just to get by.  Although I was deeply scarred, all that mattered was a woman that I cherished, loved and formed.

 

Getting ready for my 8th Grade, on my way to school something strange happened, I saw an images that reminded me of something that I may have forgotten, something I believed I have memories of but yet still don’t know if the memory is as it appears to be as in the truth beneath what a young soul couldn’t reach. A mother carrying a child on her back walking down the street seeking for help and food, she was protecting the baby from any harm and the rain. Through it all, she carried him through, as I walked past the 2nd street, Strange enough, I saw a young boy about my age, his mother’s copse lying down, a young boy was drowning in his own tears, as I looked close enough, those images reflected back to me. Memories stuck with me, for a lifetime, but I only realized that my mind was over thinking and displaying images as I reminder of what I had lost. I walked past and went straight to school, which was actually my very first time at a new school, fresh man in high school, as we were referred to as newcomers, that’s when corporal punishment still reigned.

Blindly I remember bits and pieces, Time passed me by, then I saw the second girl, in my 10th Grade, you’ll still hear about the first, when all that I could think of is my life with her, spending the rest of my life with her, yes I counted too many chickens. I was never a man to accept rejection. It was like a disease, yet I believed that I brought it to myself. I was never a man to go fishing in the sea; I always dived in for just one particular fish, to the very point that I get it, funny thing is, too many obstacles had the fish and left when I was still chasing, I found it to be very sad in my case, when I would tear up day and night thinking to myself, if my feelings were so real toward her, why couldn’t I have her?   Body and soul, her beauty through the in and outer shell, just amazed me. I remember the touch of her lips, cold and sweet, her hands around my neck, how she turned me on and the only thing that mattered was that moment in time. I felt at ease – the only thing that mattered most. She stroked me gently around my waist as I pulled her very close to me. Her eyes and every part of her body were just as amazing. I couldn’t believe my eyes, “she’s finally mine” I said, but all just day dreaming by myself, I always listened to my inner voice. In about that time my inner voice spoke to me, that when you truly love someone, everything about them matters, like the feeling of their heart beat being close to yours, their wet, moist lips caressing with yours, the feeling of their cold hands wrapped around you, feeling their heart beat can bring tears in your eyes, your love making evoking all of your emotions, hold ’em too tight like you don’t want to let them go, the love so strong – and that’s how I wanted to love someone. This reminded me of my very first love letter; when I was 9, when all it had was 4 words “Lala Kele, Lala Zack” Which would possibly mean, let’s sleep together, no sexual content intended, and I clearly remember my real love letters, I was age 17, when I really struggled to woo her love. When some called it obsession, she was the first lady I laid my eyes on, just when I thought that chapter was closed…

My life seemed to deepen daily and very much aware of it, as I grew, it may have seemed that I have been on a road that barely can be understood by the traveller, along the way there are things we do, and at times one would wonder just how such thought could ever cross one’s mind.  The closest at heart are always the ones to be hurt, we get tempted, and we fail to control ourselves, and yet again instead of fixing things we tend to put the blame on others for our very own actions and when things start to fall apart, its starts to hurt and haunt you as well. I have always asked myself a question, and that is how to fix a broken heart that had broken thousands more, dealing with the fact that you’ve chased away the only thing closest to you. I had always been told to appreciate and cherish what I admire most, that should I lose it in any manner, let it be a happy ending if not hurtful and yearning for more of them, with memories to endure a life time,  words I would hurl out when hell breaks loose.   The road seemed longer, overwhelming, and I was relieved that I seemed to be walking on the same road with many. I have always been told that life has always been short, but when you have someone by your side, someone who truly understands you, it’s all worth it, and no matter how much you think you have learned, it still comes back to you, when you finally realize that money can never buy you anything that’s within the heart. I may seem to have failed to cherish the moment I shared with my loved ones because I was young and had no idea about the air I was breathing.  The inevitability of it, as I grew and came to understand the effect it caused, I wanted to let death be the only barrier that breaks apart the link, and be ascertained that when heaven proclaim, my name will be called with the ones cherished and loved. At times, you realize that fights and hurts bring you even closer together, only if we knew the number of years allocated for us, for all we know, I may never see the end of this day, only if I could stop myself from thinking.

This few moments in life borrowed, I just want to spend them together with the ones closest, this moment in time, is the only moment in life I have, It’s only when you lose the closest at heart you then realize how precious life and time is. Don’t live life full of regrets, things that you could’ve done to change it all.  Haunted by what ifs and wonders, trailing in your mind making it seem like your life is not of importance anymore, because of the mistakes you’ve made that led to unforgettable disastrous events, which takes me back to the day I first I saw the woman, it had been long enough that after a few weeks I just wanted to let her know how I feel about her. The Moment I held her hand and I said,

“I have seen you couple of times and I know it in my heart that I want you so bad, I know you know, but do you really? I want to touch you, hold you, and make sweet love to you. I want to climb up the ladder with you, carry you with me through the storms because I won’t give up on us. I miss the look you give me, you know that “I hope you won’t look back” look. That when I did look back, I miss how you shy away, smiling down on me, the intensive love that reigns through my heart when I taste your lower lip that I haven’t got a chance to bite. I want you so bad. I want to push you against my headboard; I want to get deeper in you. We’ll pop a champagne or two, whipped cream on you, and I know how much you want to lick me, I’ll put my lips in places I’ve never been. I want to squeeze you so much. Hold you very tight and close to me. I want you so bad… I want to cuddle with you, give you the best feeling you’ve ever experienced. I want to wake you in middle of the night to tell you that I love you; I know you’ll be mad but you’ll smile about it in the morning. I refuse to be with someone else, No, because I want you, You have no idea how I feel about you, how much I want to take care of you and everyone important to you. If saying the words isn’t good enough, at least let me show it. Let me be the man, my feelings for you are real”

.and yet it was like I was talking to myself. She never looked into my eyes to witness the truth, when all she ever said was that I wasn’t her type. I had plugged enough encourage to stand up and look her into her eyes, and all I ever said was,

“Type?  The type that will always be there for you, the type that’s going to love you from now till the end, that’s not your type?”

I was devastated because I knew I loved her, part of me wished I didn’t. But I knew she loved it when I showed it. The question I kept asking myself was, will I ever have her as my own? And the answer to the question rode me back to my thoughts, wishes and wonders. The dream I had, what ifs and the truth out shadowed, I wrote in the words that matters, whispering the words of truth, she barely kissed me, we touched, caressed. The woman, I always loved, the little time, tick … Tick… Tack, that’s the only sound, the reminder that all we have is now. I am still waiting for her to hold my hand, remembering the night that I looked in the mirror like I was talking to her.

“millions of women, beautiful women, amazing women, women to die for, yet they aren’t worth any of my tears, but out of millions, I chose you, the thought of you keeps me awake yet takes me through a peaceful night, and a dream I had, I whisper out from what’s from within, I feel you in my sleep. Dearest, I know it hurts; funny that it hurts to love you but what hurts the most is that I will never be with you.”

Any attempted and failed effort drove me back into a commotion of the past. Every piece that I lose before I even had it, or the one that I feel that I have lost, takes me back and reminds me of just how much I’ve lost, I’ve always needed a friend to let me know, that although they aren’t here today, that I am still not alone. Old news I know, they haunt me, wherever I seem to go. Now that the feeling has come back alive, it’s going to lasts longer, no matter how many times I’d break down. I just didn’t want to be left alone, I was afraid of thinking. My thoughts were dangerous to my well-being. The next time I regret, I won’t be around anymore. All I wanted was to be someone’s best friend; to share the love that’s over whelming and battle out all obstacles together. There I was within my inner self trying to figure out the impossible, how could I have survived the battle that had already been lost…

Next Chapter: Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

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Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

Chapter 2 – Emotions Evoked

“When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?”

I try to make sense and understand the moments that I went through and how I possibly made it through a day. I know that I never had a choice, the only thing that was there, was to face whatever had to come my way. I felt at ease for a moment before I felt my heart beat go off in tragedy, like an earth quake erupting from every part of the world and there’s just no place to hide. I remember seeing a random hearse from a distance and I could already see the end of it. I could feel rage and I remember hurling out the words “I hate you; I won’t allow you to take her away from me.” I felt something that moment, sooner or later I had to face the truth and watch as it unfolds right before my eyes. Scornful, undesired animosity, mixed emotions in a pile like a stack of books, right above my lower chin and couldn’t see what was in front although my heart had already confirmed that the good will become the worst. I assumedly thought it was just a minor unstable state of mixed feelings. The day when in the afternoon I felt the rage growing stronger, the more I resisted the feeling, it came back with a bang like a pulled trigger right through your head, and there’s nothing you can possibly do, you’ll just have to feel the heat followed by vacuity, then you’d have no idea what just happened, yet you won’t even realize that you had already crossed to the other side.

Most of my time I would spend it with friends but in this point in time, I was a very sad little boy, depressed, and I couldn’t really tell what was the course.  So many times that she had been hospitalized; later on I heard no news about her, thinking that she’d come as healthy as did the last time she was sick. I recall one of my few friends, we were about the same age, he came to me and said “Life is unfair don’t you think”, and I reluctantly smiled, with a fake grin and said “Sure is, Sure is, but today everything is well”.  I knew there was something I wasn’t told that Friday, I just knew, yet I didn’t know what it was but my heart couldn’t handle it. I went to my bedroom later that afternoon after school and sobbed, my emotions just took over, and I couldn’t apprehend the cause behind. The nights were thoughts of the gloomy grounds, like paddling through bloody waters, invaded by demons. I knelt and prayed so hard to cast them away. I yet again fell in deepest seas, I felt lonely in a crowded domicile. I was surrounded by Death-stalkers, Boom-slang, Hyenas, Komodo Dragons, Leopards, Carpet Viper and my greatest fear Brazilian Wandering Spider.  I was protected by the Lion, felt at ease yet scared of what wasn’t known that’s yet to be told, it was just a matter of when. I was defenseless in a moment of torture between the lines of what’s coming, shouting out let God lead my way. I was drastically trying to move sideways, and I was still stuck in one position like a dreadful nightmare. It felt so real, the Lion encircled me in the mist of all danger. As soon all danger backed up, I was relieved. I felt a sense of maturity, a sense of the last man standing, amusing how the journey seemed like an effortless crusade, all of the animals took their own way and disappeared, and sadly, the Lion died. I looked around scared battling to calm myself down, thinking what if they came back. I tried waking it up, but it was gone and I was still left all by myself. No matter how I tried to hook myself up with other people, no matter how I tried to adhere myself to them, after a long run even a glue losses it’s adherence, I just had to face it all by myself, the fear of being on my own, the fear of making it on one’s own. No matter how the situation looked, at the end of it all it felt lonely. At some point in life, I just have to face the dance, so my mother used to say. I lacked a sense of belief that I couldn’t protect myself from all the danger that I may encounter. The dream couldn’t make any sense. When the nights got darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary? My fears created a barrier of self-esteem, images that I had were brought into reality, I felt a distinct pain pieced right through my heart, my heart started to beat a bit slower than usual, but I can feel my blood vessels in a rush. I fell right into a hole of all mysteries; my thoughts have become a center of my reality. Reality bites harder than thoughts, when all my thoughts did was taking me to a place of torture and misery.

 

3 AM in the morning, I woke up from a nightmare, shaking and confused. I went outside for a fresh breeze; my whole body was weakened from the dream. I could hear a roar from a distance, suddenly I bounced back to the dream, sparing my analogy of what was going on and what was to happen, deeper into my box of emotions seeking for answers, seeking for that one thing to define what is at the moment that isn’t what’s supposed to be. Something outside the ordinary, clustered, but all I could see is a mixture of all sorts of uncertainties. Boiled with such emotion, geared to chaise an empty promise, a glimpse of a magnifying truth, Ignorant and lost in my own words. I went back to sleep, in those terrifying moments I was still staying with my Uncle.

8 AM in the morning, I woke up from all of my own thoughts, in that very instance there was a young beautiful woman by the name of Khido. She would at times visit, when my mother was bedridden at my aunt’s place which was far away from home. Seeing her from time to time brought too many memories, as we used to sit together, her, myself, uncle and mother. She loved cooking; As soon as I’d see her I’d instantly know that she was going to cook us a very special lunch and supper. I really loved her dearly without any doubt. When at times she would ask me to do something and promise me something in return just like my mother used to.

“I am making you lasagna, today.” She said.

“Whatever that is, can we first go and call my mother, it’s been a while and I would love to hear her voice.” I replied.

It had already been three weeks, I had missed her dearly. We did call in a public phone. The moment I said goodbye, it never felt the same. Days passed by and one morning, I woke up and Khido had slept over, we were preparing food for lunch as usual. My uncle was nowhere to be found, and was probably out smoking with friends. In about that moment my uncle came in and…

“Shhhhhhhhh”, I heard a hissing sound, I heard too many voices, like the nightmare I had, the Lion that I couldn’t safe, everything stopped. Every moment in time flashed back from a dream, and I felt my mother’s presence as her thoughts within me came in torrent, rushing through my vessels, felt her breath and how I use to cuddle and how I missed that. I couldn’t wait to cuddle with her again, how she’d always stand up for me when I had a little trouble with my peers. My heart felt the need to call her at that very moment and tell that “mama, I love you and I miss you”. Memories of the past, when her biggest salary of my memories was R700 in the years between 1999 – 2000 after 3 weeks of hard work just so I can have shoes to wear and food to eat. When at times she would sell diamonds for under R400, and I don’t even know if they were real diamonds, they must have been, but through all tussle, she did everything to protect me from all harm. A strong woman, with big dreams, I only realize now who I take that from.

”Sister Khido” he said.

He always had something to say, something to ask for and I just never even wanted to listen to whatever he had to say, I couldn’t seem to ignore it, it came as clear as a song. I thought about a lot of things that moment.

“I came from Gleneden and…”

As he continued, my mind froze for a second dwelling into the deepest thoughts of what was beyond my imagination. Queuing at the beginning of all ends, the finish of a new episode, the life lived more valuable that all treasures, the mountains I climbed, climbed back on the shoulder that hasn’t finished any ends of it all.

“.he said that…”

he continues and yet at this point in time I have no interest on the news, “it’s nothing that concerns me” , so I thought, unavoidable, clearer and clearer as it resounded in my ears. It was a bit chilly, June, and I was a bit cold, I couldn’t feel my toes, my fingers become numb, My body temperature dropped, and yet I couldn’t understand the nature of what was going on with me. The last words that touched me from within as he continued,

“.Kenosi died yesterday”.  He drops a boom shell.

In that moment everything just ceased.

Next Chapter: Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

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