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Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration – Emotions Evoked

>Prologue

When I had decided to take a break from all the mount of affliction, I traveled to a place of inspiration, a place where gulf winds were of messengers to come blow off the steam of all meaningless purposes and steps that I had stepped my foot on.

“…Mmmm…”

I sighed as the winds blew with the warmth air that I seemed to relish, as well as the dazzling display of a place I haven’t traveled in a while.

I was in a constant reminder of all sorts of evil and how manipulative people can be in this world that we call home, just when the real home is yet to be proclaimed by the Superior. I sauntered down in all mists of dilemmas with my hands full of blood of tears from the core source of troubled worlds. The main source of all matters, after tossing and turning, as I leap out of bed, as the sun rises, days when a smile was polluted by a knock in my door when I actually knew that it was of no good. It felt like the devil had come early that morning with a delivery of red letters, like the man in a suit to take what the law has given him the right to take. I ignored the knocked doors and continued to fly through and above all distress, seeking for closure and that of that we seek most often, to feel cherished. I knew that I was adored by many, but if the closest at heart didn’t, all fades and seamlessly utters all evil. That takes me back to moments I was queuing as I waited for what is known as “The One”. I seemed to have been lost waiting to be rescued, yet purified with the sense of persuasive minds of the concealed. “The One” to be, was the “It”, the love and the romance, the instinct love that overcomes all walled areas, and cross over all sorts of prohibited places. The One was in fact the lost, the hidden treasure, perhaps one considered family, parts and parcels that comes with friends and all those that my heart yearned for. I always believed that there’s a source that holds all worlds together, that can also break all worlds apart, yet of all that a man can seek in all human, and worldly material. I chose my best friend to be my source, and without him knowing, the center that would make or break me. When at times it felt more like I had nobody, as there were storms I had created on my own, that I would still cry when it started raining. I walked past the Good Book, because the truth is within and is the only place that can open up your heart and see the truth with a naked eye and not with a blind ego and mind of what’s right before the eyes of a man who claimed he knew it all. I longed for the power of love, and what it could do to me. My mind populated with all sorts of imaginations, deceits and all that could make a man want to just forget about a dream and focus on what could never be. I flew past a desert, now it gets lonely; it gets to a point where I don’t ever see the supremacy that holds me. Isolated from reality, I hardly recognized the eyes of a man that was once a friend. As I flew across all oceans, it deepens, It felt as if I was threw right down the waters with a chain and a heavy metal strapped on my leg, as I sank inch by inch, I felt helpless, that’s when I started screaming, even when none of it was left I held on to an empty hope, and to keep the emptiness of it breathing, I started screaming for help, in a middle of the sea where there was just nobody, it was just me, yet I squealed not because I was fearful to die, or that I was in any kind of danger. I screamed just so I can see or perhaps hear a voice from a distance calling out for me as an indication that there’s someone out there, and they still care for me. It gotten even blue when I drowned and there was nobody there to claim me.

 

This dream reminded me that we struggle to breath in order to survive, but when trouble awaits and you are under the water, it’s the breathing that’s going to cross you over to the other side. Just when I was about to breathe and let go, an eagle grabbed me with its claws and flew me across a city, known by its corruption and yet that’s where fame is earned. It may have felt like the City represents somebody, and I fitted into the category, but I was the atmosphere rushing through the city, the atmosphere that was created by the people, and not that, that comes natural. Bitter, anger, joy, ecstasy, uncertainties, confusion, lies, deceits, and all sorts of emotions squeezed in a bottle, until to a point that one was immune to another. My mind must be playing tricks with me again, flew across so many places, places that I’ve never heard of, hearing voices from above, confirming with my inner person that I indeed know these places, that I had subconsciously hid them right through the back of my mind. Places I wish I’d never known, as I laid out what had happened I realize that these places had played a role that got me in all sorts of situations. I blew out a whistle as I winged across as a symbol of appreciation, when in fact, the irony was blowing a toot as far as my culture was concerned, was a symbol and an awareness that someone had just passed. I would already see the outcome of a dream that had already been broken, forgetting that each disaster, sorrow and all trouble, sets you closer to a place you want to be. I could sense that the eagle was already tired as I moved transversely, and my mind shouted “Whenever you ready?” The Eagle went up in a speed of light, and before I knew it, it let go of me from above the skies. I could feel the gravity ready to pull me back, as it dropped me, I started diving down like I believed I could take a wing. I could see clouds right below me, as I went down in a stream, just when I reached the clouds, I couldn’t even see myself, and I woke up. I woke up to face reality and see things just as they are and not as I wished they were.

 

“I may have been through some tough times but it didn’t have to end my aspirations in life. I am here for a reason; I am here to sweep my own floor so I can lie on a clean floor with minimal distractions. I am not here to prove myself to anyone, but just to take life and everything that it throws at me and do something about it. I have seen a lot of people falling, it took a few to get up again, I want to be one of the few, and so I choose to be one of the few.”

 

I had so much to work hard for, so much to achieve, so much to do and I wasn’t going to let time distract me because as we all know, you are never too old to reach your dreams in life. I have always convinced myself that time is there as a reminder, a reminder of the inevitable, we shouldn’t be scared of the world, we are all human and we here for one thing, to serve our purpose, until then heaven awaits you. Do we choose situations we fall into? No! I don’t believe anyone chooses to fall, we just trip and we are bound to go through, and hopefully walk through, and break through to the other end. However, I was also a reminder that, every step served as much purpose as the step taken back.

 

 

That’s when it hit me that I actually knew less than what I actually thought, I then shot back to the myths of my mind’s eye as I came to realize that reality is far more complicated than what the eyes can see. However when it was time, I went ahead and walked on my pure realism. That’s when choice was not of the matter and what was needed to be done was to face up and to make amends where I was harmed. I found that healing a wound doesn’t change facts, doesn’t change who you are, and doesn’t make new choices for you, because in this era of life, when one wound is healed, another is opened. Even if that was the case with me; life did not wait for my wounds to heal. But all that’s left was to hope for better days. When I was faced with decisions to make, I had always been glad, because it is one of the symbols that I was alive and I realized that life is all about making choices, decisions, sacrifices, and hope that someday, just someday…

 

I have been trying to work on with what’s left of my life.  The little piece of everything, my heart, my soul and every other piece to help me get up in the morning and do something about my life. The chances I had in making it seemed very slim, but I believed in something, I believed in someone, and I carried that faith with me to the end. Even though the lights were going to be switched off very soon, I just knew mine will keep shining upon many even when I am no longer there to hold the candle.  I knew it in that point in time that the power was within me. It felt like I was lonely only because I was, and I let myself to be and I can’t blame anyone. I have always hoped for a miracle, but as for miracles, I had always believed that we work for miracles; I believed miracles too want to be met half way. Anything in life has to be met halfway. I had to stop sobbing because this world doesn’t care about anyone’s tears, they will pull a “shame” remark, pity you for a while, and then it’ll get old.  Might help to let it all out, yet comes a time when it’s enough, and to turn one’s life around in a big way or just the way one intended to. I conceived myself that if I work harder, someone out there will meet me halfway.  The life I lived and the future should be completely different, so I always hoped. Taking a firm look into my past and all that possess,

“I tell you now, that little that you have, is a big change and start to appreciate it, embrace it, we all want to go further, but it’s only going to work out if you appreciate the little things that you received.”

I could still hear the words of my mother.

“Zack?” she said, and cleared her throat.

“…what about your love life?”

Asked a very beautiful and attractive woman, as she kept nagging, and I was going to get there but, yes, in the romance compartment, looks like nothing worked out for me back then. I rushed; I crushed into bad unrealistic relationships. I don’t think my heart was ready for, considering the burden I was still carrying. I needed to be loved, cared for, appreciated, because I believed I didn’t get any of that from the deceased that some I never got to see, but until then, I knew my day would be called upon.

“You know everything there is to know, Gloria.” I replied.

“What now?” She asked.

“Now it’s only you and me, a way forward is the only path allocated for us.”

Let’s face it, it’s very challenging as it is to think of the next time, and look at how we plan for the next day even though we might not live to see it, the hope that has become oblivious, and each day was blessed, a gift, giving us a chance to fulfill our plans, the question was, did I? Or did I still procrastinate. I never realized that the only thing I was procrastinating was my future. Did I want that on my watch? I don’t think so. I drew a plan for my life goals, and I wanted to make it work. I hoped my life would someday inspire someone to make a change in their lives and others. I have seen the depth of my own image, I have rolled over many times, and I stood by my true nature even when the battles were too much to handle for me. I became the lion of my own life, the camouflage when I was tearing deeply.  Even during my impair era I still believed in the hero within me. I walked bare footed across every thorn, I was pierced deeply but regardless, the other end was where I was headed. I may have been waking up in the same bed, walking the same road each morning, but the real route had taken me steps further. It’s not a delusion, it’s a map implanted through a realist and a dreamer with a plan, and so I kept telling myself. I have always believed that hard work is handwork; I had been fooled to wait for a miracle. I always knew that someday my tomorrow might take forever to come, and the only chance I had was to start then; and I had nothing to lose, when the plan was to create my own silver platter.  I took a step back from non-believers, non-dreamers; and associate myself with people that shared the same dream with me, people with positive attitude, people that believed in possibilities.  I had been around people with so many depressing topics, and it really got to me, considering the state I was in, but once I woke up, there was no sleeping.

I personally don’t regret any of the life I lived, saddest moments, and all other moments that have ripped my heart apart. I in fact look back most often as a reminder of the path I have traveled, and hopefully not to ever get myself in the same path again because then I don’t know what sort of a test would that be.

“What happened in my life can never be changed, it all starts now with me and taking what I have learnt with me and walk with my head held high because where I am going, things are about to change for the better.” as I repeatedly convinced myself to keep my hope alive.

Going down a series of thought of the things that I have done, that I am not proud of, and I know that life has a way of showing us the truth beneath hidden closets, and well, I knew that nobody is perfect that’s why it didn’t worry me that much. It’s not an excuse through, to do the wrong. I have been in a deeper length with my emotions to a point that I didn’t know how deep I was. Lying to myself about having it covered when in fact, it was too much for me to bear.   The only truth I knew was a lie I never believed, that yet lived through me. Things get even more complicated when we try harder, when at times we just have to be and let go. Scriptures written will reveal a journey that was chosen for me as each and every single one of them is a journey on its own. Everyone has a story to tell. Good or bad, the end will only be determined by how we have perceived the incredibility of how one’s journey can be one of that can inspire, through bad, through the worst, there’s always a story to tell. The times we choose to do things and the little things we desire and choices we make, every walk, and work we’ve done, at the end of it all makes us who we are. Every one of us has that evil thought that crosses our mind now and then, but the evilness is just a thought and I believe it can never overcome the love instilled in our hearts which makes us human. The journey ends and begins, mine had just ended from the beginning, it took me a while to fix what was broken.

Next Chapter: Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

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Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

Prologue – The Introduction

I was evasive the whole of that day, dependent on a little laughter after laughter. My mind had me blocked from all reality; I wanted to make certain that I was not in no way in close to the truth. However I had to face it at some point, which is why I always wished to have been elsewhere when the news were broken down. One is never ready for the hurtful truths, no one is ever ready to feel any kind of pain – The point of it all was for me to find peace within, no one knew what I was going through. Yes, I was young; vibrant with such promising dreams – The voices in my head, every thought of it all tried to lead me astray.  When the news where broken down, I sat there with a spatter of blood, down my throat. I couldn’t breathe probably; I was slowly running out of breath, even that pain wasn’t enough to what I was feeling in my heart. It felt like rain of tears pouring down like those of a bad weather. I kept wondering, why the Lord had abandoned me. My concern at the time wasn’t anything near to a solution; I had suicidal thoughts that I was glad to have been a coward to pursue. Her name had already been called, I could hear as I was listening to the sound of the melody from up above, calling out to be heard – singing it’s time to say goodbye. The morning was gloom and blurred with such ugly news. Who had ever looked in the inside and asked: (How did I get here?).  Years and years, passed – but I had tricked my inner self and never thought of facing the consequences later on in life. I had me deceived. I never accepted the inevitable. I denied what life had thrown at me and created my own world – a space of peace – and turned out to be the contrary of what I had me preserved. I tried to make sense of what was happening, I wanted to make sense – but the only sense that my state of mind allowed was that – that suited me.  Yes, I was home, on a beautiful Sunday Morning as my Uncle – Ramoshebi, Walked in.  I never had ever listened to what he ever had to say after he had smoked marijuana with his friends because then nothing he ever said made any sense. I was reluctantly listening carefully to the words he was about to tell us. My soul wasn’t ready to handle such news, it felt as If I was seeing myself walking down to a dead end, one which was already specified to be, bluntly because everything supposedly happened for a reason.

“NO I REFUSE TO LISTEN!” as I shouted out from the inside – how could’ve known what he wanted to say. Sadly because because the news had already been known by a few more others and only broken down to us a day after. I felt it although I was too young to understand what feeling down felt like. As he said it, those where moments that I barely could even walk out of shock. Stumbling through my inner core of existence – as I wanted to part ways as well. Clearly because, so much had happened with nothing to show – you will soon understand what I am talking about. I tried to hide from nature, but I knew I could never hide from the irrepressible, when the mind knew it all, we all wished the news wouldn’t have been told.

“…Zack!”

“NO!” I continuously refused; I couldn’t feel my arms, my legs, all were numb, the air I was breathing, slowly became shorter and shorter. I had to calm myself down. I then saw a bit of fabric that I starred at for several minutes and I had thought hours had passed. I didn’t want to believe half of what I was told.

“Here’s some coffee”

The nights were the longest, days were even longer. You never knew what they’d bring.  The weather from that moment in time were in accordance with my situation, angered clouds, saddened cold fronts and confused winds blowing with fierce across the place known as Mogopa, a small village situated in Venterdorp, with a few scattered houses and a few closely placed together.

Life sometimes pierces an individual where it hurts the most, it doesn’t ask question nor does it prepare you.

“It is going to be alright, Zack…” The biggest mistake I ever did was to think to myself that I was going to deal with the situation later. I kept on with the avoidance of my own reality as I was looking down the road and the long way that I had traveled, born in the outcast of a place known of its crashed dreams in a bowling shadow of  clouds and heavy rains, thunderstorms and the winds blowing from coast to coast. My life, shadowed by deceits and the only hope I had were trees of doubts bearing bitter unhealthy fruits of a battle long lost in the mist of my unconsciousness – Lost soul yet too ambitious to finish any initiative. My whole life – I travelled in an unclear route covered with what ifs and looking back the road I traveled and the journey that’s still ahead. Eyeing at the way I mirrored myself and the actual image, and yet I couldn’t tell the difference. Gazing down dreadful unfortunate circumstances that are supposedly a blessing in disguise, how I dubiously looked when my English Teacher continuously said the phrase. The rain in my life started pouring down, across my soul, through my veins, – I became a walking disaster, feeling, walking and reeked of dynamite. Just in the end, then suddenly all was clattered on the floor just to the edge of uncertainties, a single push and I was dead.  The nights and days I would reminisce over torturing good memories, sadly in tears when the smile I had brought so much pain – memories are more painful than actual events. I kept dwelling in and out of a lost anchor and almost gave up on the soulful breathe I was blessed with. I remember the day – when I had thought to myself, I travelled this world too long and yet too short to see the rest because I was ready to go. In my mind, I believed to have been a man that has walked a path in the deepest seas and also searching for the finish line in a lost track. My own image didn’t matter, and neither did my purpose and all that I possess hence all of the blessings received, I simply turned on a blind eye. I became hungry for what a man can’t achieve and so I strongly believed. A phrase I would often say that “merely `a man, can’t appreciate, when all that I saw was `a man o’ disastrous kneeing down and `a man o’ lavish life waiting for disastrous to believeth in Thy Name”, I had to listen to what’s in the inside at some point.  Walking down a gore of tears, strangled with tacit fear, looking for a hook of evidence, whenever I’d would go astray, I’d hear the words “for thy choices they make thou shall dwell in the hands of the receiver…” and so I kept an eye on deceitful memories and unseen possibilities, I gave it all I had and still wasn’t enough. At times enough was too much to carry with. I found myself sitting with a permanent scar, because I believed happiness was what made life worth it, worth living and worth waking up in the morning. Unrevealed mysteries, such a pain that makes a man want to call out for help. I never wanted to have a room for disenchantment, because I believed in something else more than I believed in myself, and how hilarious that I still did even years after. “What am I turning into? Where did I go wrong?” The torture had gone extreme, every part of my soul was haunted by ghosts in the mist of thoughts and undesired beautiful memories, and I lay awake in the middle of the night, thinking of ways to battled out wars unknown, but then one had already chosen their own way. “If this is how it feels like to love, if the pain I am feeling is part of it all, I want out…”

 

That’s what I mostly felt when thoughts kept haunting me in my deepest sleep, the sleep I had wished to not be awakened from, lost in my own kind, having lived only for 14 years and told that the one that carried you in agony for 9 months, is no more, before I ever told her the words “I love you”.  The indefinite state of my emotions continued, as I laid my eyes on her for the last time, looking peaceful in a decorated crafted work of art that was still to be hidden in the darkened area when I initiated the act by the first throw of sand from my very own hand. I couldn’t throw enough on my father’s or my sister’s that I never got to meet and that of my half-brother. I still hear the words I brought to myself, “precariously placed in a steady grid of loneliness”, “Doomed in the world of failure”, how I overlooked possibilities when every path is encircled by an experience, intended not to determine your strength but to break through your weakness and make you a better person, but that didn’t mean a thing to me anymore. I felt beat down, spit on, stepped on, faith taken away from me, no one bit of hope was left. I was left in the empty world full of hatred, where dark clouds were upon an innocent soul, the pain was unbearable. I cried until my tears dried out, I could feel the misery, and nothing seemed to be working out.  I felt abandoned by my own people and there was no hope of survival. “What is it that I have done that I got it so wrong to deserve such wretchedness?” I asked. It felt hard to lift my head and look up to someone. My life was showered by the past, the past I never wanted to forget. The past I never wanted to let go. How unfortunate that it caught up with me. I lived my past and destroyed myself even further because I believed that my past is exactly what my future held, with such anger and stones crawling towards me, the darkness I tried to overcome with such storms of lightning, but didn’t last long, the darkness grew even darker, I couldn’t believe that I have seen the end of a life that I still had to live, and yet I crawled into and knelt to the one that had already abandoned me, and those were the lies and deceitful thoughts in knowing but yet convinced myself that It was all true. The road and the path I took and the life I imagined, the life that I am living now, could it be any different? Just when reality had stricken just after relocating to my aunt’s place, because of the aforementioned, well, it had already begun…

Chapters

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”

CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”

CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”

CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”

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