CHAPTER 6 – Emotions Evoked
“Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”
I needed to know how far I was willing to go, and changes I could make that weren’t working. There were a lot of the questions that I kept asking myself. I always feared to be different, when the world shared the same mind set, I just wanted to be a part, but I knew I didn’t fit well in that division. I had a mind of my own, and everyone has their own perception about life, it may seem as if though our goals are different but they weigh the same profusion. They have something in common, joy, ecstatic fulfillment and unequivocal happiness, It seemed and I believed that people that made it across the globe, people that have successfully achieved their goals, hopes and dreams, people that have all the joy that we seek, all of them chose to be different. The joy of life is that you get to determine your own happiness when most see it as an unfortunate circumstance, the question was, was I able to determine mine? I’ve had a lot of conversations by myself. Like those when I couldn’t have her as my own, just how I tried to explain that I don’t have to replace anyone in their life, when I merely wanted to create my own place in their hearts.
“I am not okay with how my life turned out to be, things have gone their own way, my own way is deserted, I am not where my heart desires to be. The chair I am sitting on doesn’t suit me, I have tried to move on the path that would show me the light, but I seem to have to make radical decisions just when I thought my life was getting somewhere. I wake up daily looking at people living my dream and yet I find it very hard to make it through. But yes, I have survived the worst, giving up seemed to have crossed my mind too many times than I have lived. But there’s always something within us, something that nobody can take away even if they tried. Something that separates you from the rest that we wished we had. There’s a winner within you. Nobody made it alone; we all need somebody to give us a little push to the right direction”
Seated alone under a tree, in a scary bush that I could never remember how I got there, my thought took me far apart from my own world, thinking and wondering how all has come so far to a point that nothing ever made sense. I stood up, “life, where are you taking me?” I screamed. In the early hours of the night, came across a thought that had me going with myself for some time that when I came back all was yet still not achieved. My intrusion thoughts that kept me thinking about what I really wanted to achieve in life, things I admire, people I want to be with and associate myself with. Friends I had, believed there’s more that I can achieve than what I set myself, but I knew that at the end of it all it’ll come down to what I want and what or rather who I choose to live for. Still trapped in my thoughts I looked at the spectrum of possibilities, the potential being within me. I would look at one day that has past and to think of that many hours that has past that I haven’t been very productive with my life. The word “useless” started to be painted across my face; it took me sometime to wash that off my face. “I have failed my life” The feeling that had me entrapped that I began to live by the words. My life was full of what I had walked on. I never felt pressured even when my peers were doing well. I had to start believing in something, I feared, I became conscious of my surroundings. It was not just me; there were and still are a lot of us that are still in that coma, so sad that a few are stuck and trapped barricade by unfortunate circumstances, the world is a tunnel and the universe is in a space nowhere. I always knew that it’s never too late to make a few amendments with one’s life. I was never prepared to try again, I feared failure, and I feared death, all of which are inevitable. We failed numerous times in life, we are bound to, and we have to accept that. “Give up” that was one of the voices in my head; how can one stop this madness, I asked when all you have is your life, how do you then give up on the only thing you have. I travelled a long walk; I wanted to walk even further. It’s never an easy task, rather one mammoth task that you start to question yourself if it’ll ever end, and the truth is it never does; the only end is through death.
“I pictured my life differently”
“I. but how” I added.
Threw me off the cliff, if planning is so essential then why doesn’t it always turn out as planned. I only realized that planning doesn’t get you where you want to be, it only boasted my confidence to start walking, but where It threw me, was a place I belonged, I tell you now that at this moment, whether you are grieving, you are in pain, or you are happy, you can’t figure out what just happened, that right there, that’s where you supposed to be at this instant of time, you cannot be in that place forever I know, unless if we choose to. Feels like every step is a decision to make and every decision you make is bound to be a risky one. In our minds we don’t realize the worthy of risking our future by taking essential steps; we always want things to work out.
.But Someday, a day that might never come, who cares because someday is the only hope we have. I walk with so much faith, because in my mind I knew that someday it’ll all be alright. I don’t know when might that be, but I know that day will come. It doesn’t mean life doesn’t go on, that I have to sit and wait for that day. Maybe my someday is death, Maybe my someday is wealth, Maybe my someday is love, but I know for a fact that my someday is a mystery. Don’t look at my life with a hopeless eye, because every one of it will end.
“Someday” I said.
“A day of mystery, A day of commemoration of the past life, as we fearlessly take another step, one of significance, dearly endured all torment” I added.
I don’t know a way forward but I know a path of a way of a direction, I don’t know so many things, I have so many questions, I would like to know the answers to, but then again, if I knew everything, would it make any difference? As one gets older it doesn’t matter what difference it will make, at least we’ll have all the facts.
I knew that I was solely responsible for the actions that I was going to take. Even if that may have occurred, I needed some time off from my own self unaware that I was a bomb that had already exploded, the question I had in mind was, do I have to pick up those pieces and rebuild them back together, wouldn’t that be yet another boom?
This is when I realized that this is only the point when my mother’s passing was sinking deeply, when I thought it had already sunk. That’s the only time when I knew that it’s time to let go even if this was my official deliverance from myself. I needed someone who understood me better, just so I can have a shoulder to cry on. At times in life, when you get deeply in some sort of crisis, it seems like everyone then starts to untie themselves from you, when you indeed, need them most. It’s one of the packages that life comes with, and there’s nothing that one can do to change that. When there’s no one there’s just nobody and we have nothing else but to accept the terms of life. It’s then that you have a choice to make, really that doesn’t even matter at the time because you have nothing else to do but do what you have to do to walk against all odds. People seem astonished that the orphaned are often pitied, sometimes it works for us, as time goes it gets old. How sad that I used to get opportunities that because I didn’t feel loved, I just let them slide, it then shows how important love was to me, because if I would choose anything in this world, it would be to love people and be loved in return. The rest wouldn’t even matter.
We are often misunderstood, and we often expect too much too soon for a lifetime. Yet, we not blind and it’s not like we don’t know that things will never be the same, we turn a blind eye, and hope for better days.
As I was throwing up in that moment must have been something I ate the previous night. I told myself numerous times when at all these times I didn’t want to believe, “Your mom is gone”. No matter how many times I could repeat it to myself I never wanted to accept. I cried in my room for several hours, I would spend most of my time in the bedroom, and my aunt hated it. I would’ve have told her that I just need to be hugged, loved, and tell uncle to stop with unnecessary arguments, but then I was terrified by the way things worked out at home, eventually I got used to it. That’s when I possibly begin to go out of the room, even when at times it felt like I was laughed at behind my back. The kind of a kid I was is the kind that everybody judged to be a thief, a sellout, amongst other names that I would hear my own people. When in fact I was just an ordinary child who has just lost his only parent and needed some time to heal, but everyone else looked past that, that when I started acting weird, I was called disrespectful.
Days went by slowly but surely, as each day pass, were the worst, and those were my early days. “God, please walk through with me, for I forgive him”. Raising a child that’s not your own, as a child I didn’t understand the burden that I was causing, if perhaps I have done something wrong, to be in a house that I have to tremble my way to sleep each night, that when nobody was home it was the most joyous feeling, at last there was peace. But eventually everything worked out; I don’t know how I made it through, which I never thought I would. But I did, some arguments are still stuck in my head, some insults are still in my head. I can forgive but I cannot forget and that’s just how it will always be. Through these toughest days, His grace carried me all the way from all impossibilities, from the strangest, to a place I called home; right back where it had all began. I don’t like to be a wall in between people, and that’s how I felt, constant arguments, when 9, 10th of them were about me. “Your Sister’s Child”. Those were the words I constantly heard. At most of the time I would provoke these arguments, I would instigate them, because I had already lost meaning between right and wrong. At School I was a different person, that’s the only place I felt needed. Growing up like that, made me a bit stubborn, I didn’t want to listen, I didn’t want to do what I was told because in return I didn’t feel loved. I had a mind of my own. I wanted different things from what’s considered normal, I was told this, but I would do that. Most would say I was a rebel, a real one indeed.
I still don’t want to blame anyone for the things that will not be changed. It was my challenge to battle my own way, even though I sucked at it. Still here and I was trying to make it even further. All that I have done to this far is nothing but give a lot of people headaches with my undecided emotions. Whatever was underneath the surface, I had hoped to find it, even though it might never be today, but one day, I knew somehow I’d wake up and break free from all the madness and I’d possibly know a correct path to take, because at the point I was in, it seemed more like I was lost, even though it was clear I still didn’t want to believe it.
Distractions are an addiction, lots of what my mind has anticipated. Moving back and forth through the rain, trying to walk and walk with a limping leg, holding tighter to my faith. I have nothing to be scared of, yet failure is what my mind keep crawling back to. My name isn’t a definition of what’s in the name, but what’s behind its work, that’s how I’ve always wanted to define myself. I am now in trouble with my inner soul because all that’s left of me and the only thing that I can hold on to is life itself. I was not in the mood for smiles, never mind the fake ones. I was surrounded by fake friends, fake people, when I am stricken through by a black lightning, covered off by black clouds, I am neglected. But when the sun is brighter everyone seems to want to be on the shine and closer to me and make friends.
One day when I woke up, was the day I thought it would be fair if I marked my territory and trusted all that’s just within my heart. The lowest ranked soul is in danger of the outsiders, mugged by the disciples as one of its followers. I am now in a hole, trying to prevent the worst but all that I can think of yet again are the lies that I have endured and lived by all my life. The days of my life are counted by a finger that’s dripping of blood. I don’t know and I never knew the sense from what’s known by only what people knew. I am now going in deeper through in a scent that’s smells of blossoms in a bunch. No way that I have what it takes to walk through a fired wall, burning fiercely, and walk on top of heated red coal, not having realized I have already walked through sharp needles. The phrase “My entire life” seems to be misused, I will never use a phrase like a promise that I cannot keep. I have only my entire life to make it right, and live it right. Everyone can make it through all obstacles that you they may not want to face, but that one is bound to be faced for the reaping to be worthy. I believe we are stronger for the tasks assigned for us, the question that stands out is, are you willing to finish the tasks to get rewarded. I never thought I would ever be ready to be ready for anything. I have no reason to stop believing, but I have a reason to cry and my tears tried to stop me from going to get what I deserved most. With my faith and hope lost, I felt deserted. Yet, I knew I am the one deserting myself. All I wanted was to blame myself because it’s hard enough to blame someone. So I have nothing to lose in blaming myself, all that is, is more pain than what my heart can handle. I have had chest pains now and then, all of is due to unstoppable tears that I have cried to many times. Just a look at one’s self trying to make amends with a heart that isn’t willing, it’s always a step back because nothing ever works out.
Going back to talk to my other friends, those that I had marked as my utmost friends that would stand beyond my family, as the trust I had for my own was minimal. I would seek for help, not bluntly, just someone to listen, and they would, I thought that would help, even when it did, I never realized it has. I was still caught in all that misery, I am trying to be safe from all of my own emotions, I am trying to find my way home but home is a deserted place and I knew there was no one home. How do you run back to a home when there isn’t anyone? When I reached there, I had found my way back, but all that was left, was just me. There isn’t a home with just a broken hearted man seeking for all that can make him bring that smile back. A day may have seemed like a lifetime, I had no idea what I was trying to achieve with my life. I still find myself screaming out at the door hoping someone would hear me but my heart already knew that there isn’t anyone. It’s just me, I have to live by own rules. The only moments in life when I realize that I am on my own, in denial but a thought crossed my mind numerous times. Help me seek my own image, I am not trying to protect it, I am trying to find it to keep it. The depths of my sorrows have been hidden for a long time. I let myself go, extremely so, when I thought perhaps a woman would mend my heart. When I stopped loving myself, I lost respect for myself, and so did everyone. I hadn’t any idea that this would affect me for this long. I knew that first impressions last, even in life. I had no any other choice but to walk, walk away from whatever I was hang on to. I have no idea why my heart keeps going to undesirable places when all that I need is a home. Again I get struck in a middle of my own journey, no matter how I tried, I felt far away from finding myself. I am now in a journey with no single sign that I might get lost in a road that I was already lost in. Everyone seemed to be looking at my every move, I thought they’d help, but they are looking to see if I’ll make it and survive my own war. The mistake was that I started to concern myself with thoughts and opinions of others. That moment when I thought that life is taking me somewhere, it was not doing anything and I even forgot that I was doing all the work, and it’s very sad how a little opinion can take you back to what use to be, and believe and starts to live one’s life through opinions, It happened to me and before I knew it, I was back to where I started.