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CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 11 – Emotions Evoked

“There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

Bakwena High School situated in a village known as Modikwe, not so far from home, just a walking distance. My first and somewhat real love affair was entirely with a different girl, whom I dated at age 19, and the routes between our lives faded apart too soon.

“I love you, so much Eliz” I said.

“I love you too” She replied.

CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

A catchy sound of beautiful tunes a desire to incline above a soothing melody to dwell in wholeheartedly. The words that stand to mean too much of a little in a crazy world that reigns of love, the vulnerability of its powerful sense and how it showered me off all depression, resonating from inside out. A sight of mind that’s only given a concrete structure of light, blinded over the shadows of all mists of affections, the feeling so good it creeps in through all sorts of formats, a thorough-sucking para-love within the heart, contained in the heart through blood vessels. I tend to move across the battle of my inner most perception of what is unknown to the eyes. The weather changed, in an instance, I knew that afternoon what my soul at heart had expected. It had started in class when my best friend at the time, Thato Sono, informed me that his cousin wanted to see me after school. My ego as a man hadn’t been matured enough at that moment in time. I let her in my space, to hear her out.  However, even though she may have taken initiative, I have had my own mind running wild about her.  “How can I ever let you go, when I feel so attached to you? My body, mind and soul are just surrounded through by the love inside me. You are my consolation, my desire, my true love beyond every aspect of love, beliefs and facts, the only love that creates a brand new world of my own. I walk in peace with the smallest amount of thought of her, smaller for a microscope to see.”  Mesmerized by her ways, her beauty, how quickly she understood me. How much I knew about her within the moment she first looked at me. The way she made love to me in a dream, how she exceeded my expectation in reality. She moved me far apart from the point I thought I understood a woman, to a point I finally got to be a man that finally understood that it didn’t really matter. I lied to myself for years, seeking for specifics, when I was supposed to look deep in thy heart. I was looking for the opposite of me, yet my compatible was the woman who was just as much of me as I was of her. I ignored the glowing sunshine to a better understanding, and took a path in life that led me to many trials before I finally got to my situation. I battled out all deceits of my own emotions; I started meddling with all my virtuous deeds to interrelate through all that had been happening from dawn.  The state of my emotions deteriorated. I walked through a miserable path that I believed I was in. I slowly made silly mistakes along my way up, that I almost lost my best friend and most important people in my life and I was enough with that.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

Words that got me mesmerized, conversations we had over the phone, bitten the lower lip as I got lost between my own words. The love I felt and had for Elizabeth, she indeed was the second girl I madly fell in love with, I took my time and she made the first move, I was 18 at the time going to 19, and she was only 17.  She had short hairs and she was incredibly beautiful, I couldn’t believe that a beautiful girl like her would hit on a guy like me. Things moved on too quickly, our love for each other just seemed to be weakening as each day past. We broke up after 4 months, it’s only when she was gone when I wanted her too badly. Even at high school this was a bit of too much to deal with for me, I was not so normal, if you’d run through my mind, It would be a nightmare for you. I needed a branch of hope instead of a stem, I looked deeply into her life, and realized how complicated I make my life to be. But I knew that one day all this will be gone and forgotten.

“I want to go home” She said.

“No, don’t go, I am going to be bored, I’ll even sleep here” I replied.

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

We were sitting in a decorated stone, it wasn’t a park, but it had a “Phola Park” Sign. We would sit there for hours, when at times we would hug and hold each other, not even saying a word. So oblivious, it takes my breath away thinking about it now. Moment I cherished in life.  Although we were young, our break up at that time was not something I didn’t think of. It is true that no matter how young you are, you just know when you have made a mistake. I couldn’t fix us, she didn’t let me – I couldn’t force it, it always takes two and unfortunately for me in this case, I was by myself. I screamed, I cried, I begged, I texted, I sang, I wrote, I drove, none of which was good enough for a soul that had already made up its mind.  Years later the same woman in my bed and cuddling, the next morning she admitted that she was just using me, regardless, I screamed, I cried, I begged, I texted, I sang, I wrote, I drove, none of which was good enough for a soul that had already made up its mind.

The unforgettable is the first lover.  How I gladly ignored the saddest face on Gloria’s face. Our first goodbye was the last. There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes, goodbyes that never crossed my mind that it might be the last, and by the time you realize, it is then that it’s too late, and no matter what one can do, there’s nothing left for us to do but accept the fact that it’s done. I can never regret any moments we have shared when in fact I miss most of it, the augments, long texts, kisses, hugs, well, sounds more like it’s all of it.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“I love you, and the way you carry yourself”

Over the phone as I whispered these words through the phone, as she replied, her voice was like a melody in my heart, I pinched myself just so I can see if I was still awake. She was the anchor of the soul I was breathing. There were moments in life that were priceless. I valued everything she ever said, and she was too easy to approach, to talk to. All that mattered that moment was her smile. How beautiful she looked during her ugliest days.  I would still find her irresistible.

“You and just you, bring my true nature, I am glad you love who I am, because I love everything about you boy”

I didn’t know what love was, in that moment I never cared, all that was, was enough for me, and I wanted it to last for a lifetime. I started to care too much too soon; I started to see the future and her as my wife and two boys running around in the house.

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

“Daddy! Daddy!”

“Hey, Buddy! Where’s your Brother?”

“I don’t know, Daddy…”

How wonderful it is to daydream, to see yourself up there when you are still down here. A prediction, like you know how is ever going to end, then in the middle of all that, life happens, it remains erratic.  It’s only then when I was in not so happy mood, when she called me and wanted to see me. In about the moment, I knew, I just knew it was those moments that had to be cut in my life. I saw it coming, I also thought about it. We outgrew one another, we had different dreams, different goals, different values, we only realized when it was long overdue, but my heart didn’t care about that, I knew we could make things work, but in that moment…

“This is not working for us” She said,

My heart pounding, looking into her eyes for the last time, I knew she had already made up her mind and that there was nothing I would do about it. I didn’t even try anything; I just wanted to spare myself any further torture.

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

“What’s not working baby?”

I usually never find myself asking questions in the worst situations, I wanted to know what was on her mind, what’s she thinking, when do we have to suddenly break up when I had fallen deeply in love with her.

“This… Us”

I just had to make her say it, I didn’t want to look desperate, at that age, and my ego took over. Perhaps if I had fought for her, things would’ve turned out differently, if I had begged her not to do this. You just never know.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

“You are right babe, this is just not working for us, I hope you’ll find someone that will make you as happy as you made me, but sometimes love is just not enough, enough for the two of us, I may have failed us, although I wish there was a way to fix this”

Giving her a clue that I wanted to fix this, and still didn’t seem to shackle her brain, and I was wondering if she was hearing the words I was saying, so I repeated it.

“I wish there was a way I could fix this, because I want to”

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

She didn’t want to indulge in this; I knew it in that point in moment when a relationship just ends with nothing that triggered it. I didn’t want to show that I was hurting, that I loved her dearly to work it out, she just blew me off.

“Thanks. I wish you all the best in life.”

I don’t like that statement in moments of a break up. Don’t wish me well just hug me. I wanted her to embrace me for a second or two, tell me she loved me just one more time, and I’ll tell her the same. I was devastated, as I turned to walk away, she stopped me.

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

“Zack!!!”

You know that moment of hope, when you turn with such excitement hoping that she had changed her mind. I didn’t want to show that I was smiling. I asked gently like I was whispering but audible enough for her ears only.

“What is it babe?”

She looked at me, for some time. In my head I am wondering what could be going on in her hers. I am screaming out “please Lord let her say the words”. She comes a little bit closer to me, then my heart started pounding again just like the first time when we met, and she locked down on me.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

“Please…”

“Please what, Eliz?”

Right now I honestly don’t know what to think but my heart is expecting something that’s going to soothe my heart. Her voice started wavering just like the first time when we met. How is it that we feel the same way in a moment like this just as we felt when I called your name and you called for mine?

“Please don’t try calling me, ever”

I was extremely speechless, I didn’t say anything, and I just turned and walked away.

Sometimes the things we feel are so real that we tend to ignore them. I had always wished to have made things different and took a different turn but then isn’t it too late to try to change things now? I guess you’ll never know but clearly things can never be the same. She had already proven to have moved on; in my mid 20’s I had found out that she was blessed with a beautiful daughter. That didn’t separate us, I would still see her now and then and played daddy to the baby, I had always wished for her to have a boy, born on the 28th of June like daddy, and unfortunately she was born on the 27th.  How much my love for babies grew, as I have always wished to have one, but I was never ready to have my own until I had a home and financially free.  The truth is that one night I was with her, if only things worked out differently, this baby could’ve been mine.

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

“I am sure if she were mine, she’d be a boy”

“No! I’ve always wanted a baby girl who’ll look just like me”

She prayed about it, and I believe she really did. I was happy that she’s had a healthy baby and that she was going to take very good care with her.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

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CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 10 – Emotions Evoked

“Shadows of the hurtful earths”

From the south, felt like the weathers were not happy as the winds blew off to the north, waiting in a queue so long that I had forgotten what I was queuing for.  I moved out of the queue, and walked home. On my way back I saw a woman in tears, neglected by the man who promised her the world, when all he could’ve done instead is to create a whole new world together, I saw a woman settling for less for the sake of being in love, I saw a woman of possibilities blinded by a man who speaks the words “I love you”, I saw a woman, a woman who wasn’t just any woman, one of a kind, but yet dwells in the world of misery and all we see is an ordinary woman in tears, I felt a need to hold her hand, but she won’t let me, she blames the world for her anger. I walked past her, I stopped for a moment, and from the point where I was standing, I hated being a man, to think one of my kind, destroyed a young soul and that we are all to blame. I turned yet again and still felt the need to hold her, but she won’t let me. Walking towards the shadows of the hurtful earths, I saw a woman in tears, little did I know that she was blind with two kids; I cried for a moment, what has the world turned into. I walked and I walked, I kept looking back, for my soul was hurt. Things we easily ignore, the world is a very cruel place as I kept telling myself.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

The barriers created through that we can’t see beyond the eyes, the mind, beyond the impossible. Walking down a stream of all paths that are suppose to enable our vision to see clear, but in fact the fear we have overcome the dreams we share and the goals to achieve. We mumble through the words and the actions are of the unknown. Startled by the achievements of others when the paths are there of the same nature. Dominant is the negativity that led us astray. Singing songs of neglect and harmonizing through the pain, a trail of all evil, we let it sink in within, and sank well it has.  Seeking for all sorts of distractions to blame, yet time is not waiting for our inward-thoughts instilled through our unconscious minds. The tongue can only explain so much, the mind can only think so much. The session to withdraw from, in a darkened room with deemed lights, the eyes can only see so much. It’s only the beginning; the end is not anywhere near.

I’ve always had an utmost respect for women; one doesn’t have to learn about women to start respecting them. It comes natural. Which reminds me that lazy afternoon, after a long power nap, I hit the streets of Johannesburg, as dangerous as I was told it was, made me feel like every day was a risk.  I was new in town as everyone could tell by how I was amazed by these huge buildings and taking pictures. My enjoyment was dissolved by a scent of a man passing by reeking strongly of alcohol, that had me turn around, but when I did.

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

I just missed home so much that I just wanted to pack my bags and leave. I got lost in a big city and I didn’t know my way back. I fade out in emotions, looking pale, as I started to be nervous, when I hoped to be found.  Felt like I was held captive, like I have nothing else to do but to negotiate with the terrorists. I had to break out from that mentally, I had to fight my way out of my own misery, maybe if I had  learned that my life will never matter to anyone until it mattered to me, I would have been found by then, seemed like it was going to be a long day. I was able to find my way back, yet I was still lost. Moments you think you have figured out, when in fact there’s nothing of intelligence that can come out of the mind and thoughts, when intelligence was of abundance, I failed to be wise.  I knew how to add numbers, but I didn’t know how to apply them in reality. Sometimes knowing is not enough, you have far more to do with what’s known, if you can master that then you can conquer all deeds.

“Boy, I want to teach you the life in Johannesburg”‘

As I looked at him talking about teaching me about life, I wished I could’ve told him about mine but we just met, all that we were was roommates.  I didn’t have the time to let him know about what I had witnessed earlier, as to him might appear as normal.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“I am ready when you are”

We walked as he was showing me the places around the city of gold. Looking at every hopeful soul walking around, I knew that moment that we are all here for the Gold. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Then as we walked across the taxi rank, someone got robbed in the middle of the day, when everyone was watching, that lady was screaming helplessly, I wanted to go help,

“Hey, Stop”

My roommate pulls me back and said, “You don’t want to get involved in all this”

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I was astonished and quite shocked that it happened so fast, and nobody cared as long as it didn’t happen to them. Got me asking myself time and time again: what world is this? I just knew that moment that this isn’t a place for me or for anybody. She even had fallen down, and later she got up, picked up her hand bag with a few items left scattered on the floor.

“Ruthless.”

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

That all I had to say. I walked all the way back to my room and didn’t want to say a word. The only thing going in mind was those three ruthless guys. How do you attack such a vulnerable person? I grew up knowing that men are supposed to protect women, take care and give them all the love they need.  I stand abashed to know my kind has broken our number one rule as a man. It’s funny how I still protect my own even if she’s no more. I’d never let anyone say anything bad about my mother.

 

Joburg just crushed me within in that moment in time.  Few Months later, I auditioned for radio presenting, how excited I was when I got the job as a volunteer in a community radio station. Four Months later…

“Elected as the CEO for a weekend”

I really worked hard to make a difference in that studio as I enjoyed it dearly., when my time was up, I slept in the studio that night, came back to Joburg early in the morning, then I saw a woman in a red dress, short in stature, light in complexion, with such a beautiful smile, reminded me of the mugged woman.

“God forbids it happens to her too”

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

I walked, and I took a different turn, unaware. It didn’t even matter to me; I knew I was going to get to my place. I was listening to my recordings as I was presenting the show, as the CEO for that moment and how exhilarating it was, so much laughter and just so much bliss. It felt like I was back in the studio. I was just lost in it when suddenly…

There was a weird activity going on, I didn’t know what was going on, but it’s happening before my eyes. The show I was listening to just stopped, I didn’t even realize it has. I only realized after sometime that I was getting mugged by five guys with people watching at gun point, all my belongings I had in the bag I was carrying and all that I had in my pockets, my wallet were all gone. It’s only that when they were long gone when one passerby said “I thought they were your friends”. I shook my head in misbelieve, in my head I am thinking “yeah sure, and we happened to be playing with guns in public”, I went back to my room, and slept.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

I drew back into turmoil of disastrous and unvigilant neighbors, shaking in my boots, when the noises I could hear were those of the man who was holding a gun “shoot him, shoot this dog”. I almost believe they were never going to shoot me in a middle of so many people to witness.

“What happened?” questions asked when I announced, when all I cared about was that I got to live to see another day, and so was that lady. I began to have this images in my head, what if he had decided to pull that trigger right there. I see myself slowly falling down, everyone screaming and running all over, as I slowly and slowly almost about to hit the ground, blood spattered everywhere.  The shooter looking regretful for what he has done.  Just when I hit the ground he turns slowly and runaway yet my mind and body is still breathing. I can’t get up, I am helpless, and everyone else is trying to protect their lives, I slowly see this images fading away until there’s nothing but darkness and noises, as they slowly fade as well, and a second before that of the last noise, I get a flashback of my entire life. I was awakened by that dream, sweaty, my heart burning from the shock.

I healed on my own, I came to the terms and accept the fact that it had happened, that I am just happy to be alive.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

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CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 9 – Emotions Evoked

“At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

It occurred to me that I may have stepped over just a little bit over the edge. I went around the back, knocked one time, with the intention not to be heard, and for my conscious satisfaction. An enigma I’ve become, a lot of conspiracy and shenanigans at the central pool of my own Machiavellian thoughts. Gloria Velsey, The woman in a dream, white, thin, Beautiful, short with long black hair, my woman, my creation.

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

“Are we going to be okay?” she asked with curiosity, because I have been distant lately.

“I think so my dear why do you ask?” I replied with a question, even though I knew where this was headed. I looked around, and suddenly realize that we were in the middle of a forest, as I could hear uncanny sounds of animal noises, sitting beside the fire that she made. I was lying on her lap. She looked at me with her remarkable blue eyes.

“What have you been up to lately”, she asked.

“Well, I have finally found my way around the back door and yet it was still locked”, I replied. Slowly but surely pictures of all the blurry events that had happened, started to be clearer and clearer.

“…and what did you do?” she asked. My mind started to come into sense; I chuckled as if I wanted to shed a tear.

“I broke in”, we chuckled together.

“Tell me all about it” she said, even though my mind wasn’t in a state to talk about any of it at all, it had to be said. It seemed as if it was getting darker and darker. I looked at her; her smile was just an amazement to break my fear of thought of what could be in the dark. I started telling her all about it,

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“Well, remember, Elizabeth, Charity, Ellah and Martha?” I asked.

“Of course the women that you happened to have loved and never got a lifetime chance with neither of them”, She said.

“Yeah, I was thinking about it a lot lately and I just think it’s unfair that I …”, Then I suddenly I heard her saying my name, it was weird because the whole picture started fading.

“…ZACK!!” She shouted. I looked dubious,

“ZACK!!!” then suddenly I woke up, and it happened to have been my aunt screaming and shouting, “Get up right now”, I got up frustrated that I couldn’t even get to the sex part. Yet I remembered the dream, for years. I realized that I have been searching and looking for ways to swing right into my life, love and romance. It made me undergo desperation, forgot what I was in it for, I became lustful, that when I was in it, I called it love. A woman that I gazed for was not of the ordinary from what I had experienced. Dignified woman, with a dignified stature as she stands everyone listens. A woman that’s not full-of-herself and doesn’t think she’s more superior to others. A woman pronounced as my own, never ashamed to shout out from the top of an Eiffel Tower that she’s all mine, and naughty in our own private space. I went back into bed, it’s a Saturday Morning in winter, I just pretended to be getting off bed when I tossed and turned… then I fell asleep, struggled to go back to my dream.

“You…?” She asked. I swayed myself right back into my own dream.

“Oh, I just don’t know if I’d ever find the one thing that I am looking for”, I said. I felt the chilly winds blowing from side to side. I took off my Jacket for her to wear, and yet she still kept me warm.

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

“Interesting, what are you looking for?” She asked. That’s the question that I never thought I’d ever be asked by a woman. I’ve never known how to begin to answer the question. What are you looking for; sounded like one has to sell themselves, like in a political campaign or an interview. I knew that moment that whatever I say, it also in return says a lot about me. So now I am now hesitant, I am shivering, there’s absolutely no way to avoid the question, and I cannot make up any answers. Just have to be honest, after a long pause…

“Oh Gloria, Someone with a heart and Soul, Someone to have a good laugh with, The one I want to talk everything and anything, have stupid fights and then kiss her on her forehead and pull her towards me as I apologize one more time, The one to hurt me and still feel emotionally involved even when the affection becomes a mystery”.  I said with such affection and passion. She looked at me with curiosity,

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

“So you looking for someone like me?” She asked. I looked at her and just smiled, as we continued to enjoy the fire, and fell asleep right in the middle of it all,

“…Zack!!” My aunt shouted, this time I was ready to get up and get ready for my daily chores, I felt at peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me.

I knew that there was still a long journey for me to travel, and I was ready to get into all that beguiled me closer to my romance desires, and all that my emotions were yearning for. The heart was yet ready to tackle issues of the mind, and that of the observation. The only time I would regret anything would be the day I miss an opportunity to get my hands on my assigned challenges. Love, lies, romance, lust, it’s a journey we face, a journey most failed, yet a journey intended to be accomplished by the heart that truly understands matters of the hearts. Be right, be wrong, acknowledge your own imperfections, and let the love with the weakened heart take over and let the mind be wiser. It’s the soothing moments of truth that gets us getting further in life.

 

Gloria is now in my head constantly, from a dream to imaginary, to a friend, to a lover, a mother, an adviser and I loved spending time with her.

“When dreams and goals are on hold, life continues” I said.

“Isn’t it something” she said.

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

It started during darkened days, when there was no hope for me. It felt like I am stuck, like I am in no position to plug any sort of courage to stand firm, funny that I had no choice, although my heart had already reached a state of hopelessness, meaningless, a senseless meaning of lack of living. A sudden thrush to a wrong direction, everything I’ve ever hoped for sank leisurely and seemed as though my life was coming to an end.  I could never tell if I’d ever make it, the question was, did that even matter? My mind had me manifest in the impossibilities. My mornings, doomed, had my eyes blinded from the beauty of nature, the sunset and sunrise became one of the same.

“Oh Gloria” I sighed.

…and for me that was enough, she understood me better.  Yet, this purged me deeper.

…Dejection, my closes suicide note, yet, not enough to push me to the edge.  Pierced within and was too much to deal with. If the end was ever near it would have started with me, slumped with too much too soon, so I thought. I cried out for help from the departed, concurrently called out for Heavens to open doors if thy purpose is served.

“Would I be recognized if I passed you by, would I be seen if I spoke out in middle of a crowd, would you still remember my name, if I said hello?” I asked.

“I know I would” She smiled.

The walls I had to walk through, how does one walk through a wall? Impossible it seemed, It’s opaque, not even light can pass through, a challenge of life that saddened me, be your own man, and travel through all sorts of spaces seeking for a stable place. I was trying the impossible; clearly you can’t walk through the wall I had to find a way to break it. It’s funny that every wall was followed by another. It seemed more like it’s a way of life and its one part that I didn’t understand.

“My life, an exaggeration of poverty” I said.

“That’s an understatement!” She Giggled.

I laughed, not because I was trying to ease the pain, but because I knew it’ll put me at ease. I began to fear for the results of chances I had to risk. Although in my mind I knew the challenges and risks are worth it. I sat there for hours on my own. Looking deeply instead of focusing on what’s on the surface. My mind, went on to dwell even deeper, breaking every wall within that can ever stop me from thinking. The kind thinking that got me into a state of turmoil.

“No Zack!” she shouted.

“It’s only a thought Gloria, just a thought, you know, curiosity”

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

I looked into the purpose, the purpose of life. I figured maybe if I have a specific purpose to serve then my mind should be the master of guidance, created in a manner that it will have to drive me towards that. I chose to believe that whatever dreams and hopes that resonate within one’s heart are our purpose in life. Yet, I would dearly hate to work hard on what makes me happy and find out later that, it’s not really what’s meant for me. The reason I believe that if it makes you happy, dearly joyous, then it’s worth it and should be equivalent to your purpose in life, yet I still stand to be corrected.

“Makes sense though” She said.

Whenever things don’t go your way, makes you think, wonder, and we tend to fail to try again. I cannot recall the number of times I failed to try again. I knew the correct thing to do. I know life doesn’t want to be defined, but some things are common sense. And yes it’s the common sense we run away from. I never feared to start over, because it felt like I’ve been stuck in the bottom.

“Gloria?” I called.

“Yes?” she responded.

“Is making it that hard though?”

I called it the mysteries of the mind.  Felt like I was pushed against the wall, as I cuddled up in a ball.

“Please don’t hit me” A scream of a helpless child. The burden carried when life happens doesn’t turn out to be what the mind expects; it takes its own turn, making it seem impossible to make it through.

“Oh making it is the easiest part, the way to, is just up to you” She said.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

I sat there for hours, reminiscing about my childhood, how I rushed into growing up, thinking perhaps if I could turn back the time, yet I knew I would then have to relive the same life and that I have come too far. Sometimes I look in the eyes of others, I wonder of the hardships they’ve went through in life. Shaking my head in misbelieve, I then sank through my own thoughts, I decided to maintain a positive thought, focus on what’s important, figured if one is guaranteed death, let me guarantee myself success. Let me walk tall, be seen, be heard, take risks, the only sleepless night should be those of hard work towards a better life. Spare me the time to be miserable and sit here hurting, there’ll be plenty of time for that. For now though, can I work on my success?  It may have come to a point I realized, some things in life are not worth it. Through all that one has been through, what’s the use to throw more trouble on top of the hardship that you went through?

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

“You worry too much boo” She said.

“Don’t let it” she added.

“Let it?” I asked.

“Yeah, don’t let it.” She said.

“You right. I shall not let it. It might not have a clear definition, but I will define mine. My life will be defined by myself. I will walk this walk; make change through this walk, save lives through this walk. Encourage the young to walk with me, purify my soul through this walk. Discover my own destiny that I may have not yet have a clear vision of. I will conquer the world; fight the fight to win the victory. My achievements are that of my own sweat and blood. I shall make it. Believe in me, I will call up to Him. Watch me walk through change, watch me do the good deeds, but I shall not be seen with a perfect eye. I am far from it, but the life should be worth it as it is precious.” I said joyously,

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

She smiled, and I always known that within everyone there’s that inner person, a very determined person, the person that wants to make and be successful in life. Help that person, wake them up. Eventually I looked into the mirror and I saw that person. If you look closely you’ll see that person too. I know it still a long way to go, so many mountains to climb, once you get to the peak, see what’s down there?  It’s all yours. Although for me a life without a mother, this world separates you from life, everything else seem beyond your reach. No matter how hard you try to not think about it, every Mother’s day is a reminder, every family day, Christmas day, cold days, stormy days, each day is a reminder that you are now on your own to try and make this work for yourself.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

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CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 8 – Emotions Evoked

“If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

She had already seen it in my eyes when I was standing in a corner with my heart dripping, because I had already seen it coming, when in the street my concern was finding and exploring love, when in my shelter, it was the one thing that I struggled to understand. My uncle and aunt where the only parents I’ve known and relied on for all matters that needed solving, and matters that merely needed a hug, love and just being a parent.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“Kiwi!”, as I was told I resembled the black polish.

“Black mamba”, screams I heard from the other room.

“You are a liar just like your mother was”. The screams from the other room continues.

“You are the only one that eats in this house, I am tired, and I work for you when I should be working for my kids”.

“Every time when I come to the house, just the thought of you being in this house, I wish I could go back”.

No matters how many tears I shed, the screams would never cease, “I am counting days, you are going back home”

“I am glad your mother had died, I wouldn’t want her to witness the grieve you giving me”.

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I had always found a corner that’s my sacred place. Every hurled insult, I would take it as it came. Bruised internally, my soul was slowly falling, searching for that light, a glimpse of faith that everything would ultimately go back into place. Ignored the bad, when all I was is pessimistic, yet the hurt didn’t meet me half way. I dived into the worst, when I devoured all negativity. I seemed to be an attraction of the worst, life didn’t seem like a very happy place to be. I sank below the water, and forced to breathe just so I can feel that excruciating pain and slowly smell the agony of death approaching. My horrendous past seem far better than my present. Blistered with prose beyond what the hand can inscribe. I tried never to shallow any of it but I couldn’t stop the mind from remembering. I chocked deep in my sleep – drenched my pillows with such fierce in my eyes, felt like an interloper, deserted, faced with acrimony. I swayed my mind into believing that it’s never easy to brush a child’s hair that isn’t yours.  This is when my hole was dung, the first cut wasn’t deep enough. I had thoughts of absconding, but the road wasn’t going to take me far to a place I wanted to be.  The time that most feared arose, run out of buoyancy, when I was sent back home. I wept until I couldn’t weep anymore. The challenge seemed greater than what I could handle, to be back where it had begun. It felt more of an aide memoir from God, just so I can stay focused because in a few days He carried me back. A human asked me if I had forgiven and forgotten, I looked at him and said, “I can never choose what to forget and what to remember, but I made forgiveness a choice. Before all this had happened I had already forgiven all troubled souls”.  My mother use to say, you can never ever be free until you learn to forgive, I never understood that until I saw one of my friends that had angered me, and I was the one with rage, and anger, but he seemed to be waking up in the morning with a big grin, like nothing had happened. Forgiveness is for ourselves, to be set free from all the anger, the hurt, the bitterness bottled within us, but the one thing that I had always said, it doesn’t matter how bad anything may look in your family, if anything, don’t give up on your own blood or rather that of an extended family, beside all, family is family. I forgive because at the end of it all, I still had a life to live.  At times the bitterness in your heart will tempt you to do things that you’d never do, the resentment, the temper – careful where it may lead you.  I regret my moments of anger, in the depths of despair, when I couldn’t control what was within, the fact that it was still there to haunt me, I struggled to talk about what was eating me up, when it was told too many times, became old news, but the wound deepened each day and every moment when I take a glance at what was. The exterior was the opposite mirror of what was within, and nobody ever understood my emotions. Life seemed meaningless, “Mama” the only woman I wanted to make her proud of me. “I am sure wherever she is, she’s looking down and she’s proud of you” words I heard a lot, that I never wanted to hear from a soul.  It never felt the same; my people would look at it as a blessing in disguise, that proclamation devastated my inner persona. Slacking bit by bit in touch with reality as thoughts threw me off the edge.  I knew things would never be the same, losing the only person you have, that’s a big shift, and it takes a lot of processing to adjust to the situation. I took every hit as it came; I believed that life would get better in time, faced with a challenge to make my own life work, to build a life and be seen among-st others.  When introductions are made to other members and you don’t get to be introduced as well, it builds in. Only If I could bring her back, as I sleep at night, words from a deep sleep that awakened me from a peaceful night,

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

“Open the goddamn door, this is my house” coming from a knock through the window in a room I was sleeping in,

“It’s a process, you’ll have to adjust” words from within. I never thought I’d ever get used to it, but eventually I did. My life became a bedroom domicile; I only wanted to be on my own and I never got to miss home when I was away, because there’s nothing interesting in my bedroom that I would ever have to miss except sleep. Comes a moment, you wish you had someone to talk to, the only person I had wish to have one last tete a tete, one more heart-to-heart, mother-to-son, a lost soul that ceased my mind from the rest, really irreplaceable. Black folks in my culture don’t believe in psychiatrists but to say the least, I healed on my own.  Nobody ever wanted to deal with all that. I had become turmoil of all sorts of emotions yet again. When I woke up to explain the burden I had been carrying, I had to kneel down and ask for all the strength I can get. I wanted people to carry the same burden to feel it physically and emotionally, just how strenuous it was.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

“Wake up”, silently whispered a voice from nowhere.

“Zack, Wake up”, but I was already up, dubious as I turned to see who was whispering, and yet there was nobody. Then it hit me, I have been sleeping, I have been sleeping a dream of the past, the past that had happened, but I have turned it into my reality. The reality that exist in my head, made me. My existence was based on it. The friends I have been too attached to that I have believed I have lost; I pushed them away, because my reality was for them to do exactly as my heart desired. I expected too much. I wanted from them what I never had. My reality was they were the replacements of my mother, my father, my half-brother and my sister. My reality was that they should love me and always be there when I needed them.

“Wake up, Zack” as the voice continued, I had one more look at what was left behind. The only moment I was able to say goodbye.  So I was urged to wake up from my own nightmares. Don’t let the pain make decisions for you, don’t turn one bad day into a life time, once you’ve taken a step forward, a step backward still counts, and it’s time that you are wasting. Every second is just as every cent, it must be well spent. I was also reminded when my English Teacher had said never to rush into a commitment if the heart isn’t ready; don’t let commitment become a responsibility; let it feel just as love feels. I believed that at all times that family is very important, that family feuds are only meant to be temporary. Love that kid like it’s your own, it’s being human.

“You are going home today!” My uncle said.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Ventersdorp, Mogopa, was a place and a reminder of all cluttered devotion. The mountain in the south, reminded me of my childhood, how me and my mother we’d go to the bush for dried cow dung and woods used to make fire, running around as a kid, having wild raisins.

“Mama, I found cow dung”

“Put it in the white plastic bag” she said.

We would at times put them in separate designated areas for those that are dry and those that are almost dry. The love she had for me, how much I appreciated her, even though I couldn’t tell what that meant at the age of 8. I just knew that I did.

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

“Mama”

“Yes?”

I repeatedly called her name, it was annoying for her, and I just laughed. I would continue calling her name until she didn’t answer anymore, but that never stopped me, I kept going until she eventually got tired of it.

“Zack! NO!”

I laughed some more, running around, I still get those blurry moments, when she asked me to go buy some sweets, the blue and red ones, called “fire balls”, although the blue one wasn’t as hot as the red one, and I deliberately bought the red ones. She had no idea, she started licking and she couldn’t take it anymore, she was so pissed at me, I remember laughing hard. Later that afternoon I begged her to go watch a soapie at my neighbors as we had no television at home.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

From the far north, an old road referred to as “Big Street” brought even too many memories. “Lala kele, Lala Zack”, the past that really came to pass once again in my head. Blackberry fruit trees, the first fights, first kisses, its home. However I didn’t last long at home, even though it may have felt like my uncle kicked me out, I found a way to go back, because the path I was designed to travel wasn’t about to put me back to where my life began. However, looking at it with a consideration eye, so I call it. Perhaps I needed to go back to the roots, to look through the troubles I have passed through, the pain I once felt, A glance at the past, A quick look at my origins, so I can plug up enough courage not to give up, to keep walking. In that misty thoughts and how I realized how much have changed, I then got my feeling back, I felt more alive, that’s the irony part of it, and I was taken back to where I left off, to continue with the journey. I knew that it was far from the end, it was back to school.

“How do you breathe?”

“Huh?”

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

As I asked one of my classmates, looking confused as I was continuously asking him and he had no idea what I had just ate, as he repeatedly said, however when he started talking about diaphragms and the intercostal muscles, and chest cavities, I was less interested. He did answer the question but that was not what I was looking for.

“How do you breathe?”

I then questioned myself over and over again. How does one breathe without the one that gave your life?  Arguably Christians might attack me and say God did, that we know. But God gave me this path to walk on, and I am questioning myself, if the one that gave birth to you is no more, how do you then breathe, as each day passes, there’s just no meaning of anything. I am thinking to myself that I am never ever going to make it because it seemed impossible. She was all I had, the only one. You don’t have to add anything else or anyone; she was the only one my heart knew.

“How do you breathe?”

It’s hard to, feels like you no longer want to. Even mine’s borrowed how I ignored that fact.  It didn’t matter; it felt like it was just too soon for her. I needed more time, but everything that I am, everything that I will be, I owe it to the one that gave me life, but then if they are not here with you. “How do you breathe?”

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

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CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 7 – EMOTIONS EVOKED 

“My souvenir”

The strength through my heart that drew from within, implicitly content, the beauty of understanding a way to challenge the inner perspective, drawing out every single means of what makes me the man that I am. I lose myself when I am in a space that can only be understood by me. The drive it took to finally get to the greener side. I acquired my souvenir and that for me was love, my Achilles hill, my strength, the one fad that got me intact. How it got me engrossed to the people I got attached to, from friendship to any relations although I valued friendships more than anything else; even if I had been told that they aren’t there forever. I was obsessed over love in all of its kind. Falling in love made me feel at ease, looking into someone’s eyes – and declaring my love for them, gave me so much joy, when at this point I had come to terms with and rejection was a least of my worries, although it really did hurt when I, Friday afternoon, approached a lady that made me feel like myself whenever I was with her, she was the first lady that when I looked into her eyes, cleared my blue skies, I could feel my teary eyes, each moment I fell deeper and deeper. All of my wounded hearts were instantly healed, feels as though nothing else mattered because it really didn’t. I could weep, for the joy within my heart is over whelming.  When I felt that way, words couldn’t come easier; I wouldn’t say she made me speechless, no, she was the very first woman that made me say the words “I love you” with meaning that I still can’t describe to this day.  I don’t know what that is but who cares, I feel it now, yet I can’t say the words because she has a wounded heart and the two of the same kind may feel hesitant. It felt genuine when I held her hand for the first time, when I looked into her eyes and said,

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

“The kind of love I have cannot be defined by no man,  It goes deep beyond any imagination, the kind of love that can only be defined by God, the love so strong created to be shared with one soul, the soul I believe I have found, the kind of love I have speaks so loud without words, the kind of love that shakes the universe, burns fiercely seeking for my other rib, out of many that I found don’t seem to fit, and yet here you are, I have finally found you”.

She looked astounded, and the rush through my heart was just mysteries of the greatest feeling, I was so much happy I wish I knew the course yet I knew it was just before my eyes. The feeling goes to the depth of my soul like I am a butterfly in a shiny day, I feel like the world is a better place for everyone, like life’s the greatest adventure, when at times I felt like I don’t need a woman to complete me, boy was I so wrong! when I remembered that God took my rib to create a woman. I felt the joy within my heart, so happy like I just met Jesus, I felt like I can just claim Heavens and shout “Hallelujah”. How I wish it could stay permanently. In this point in time I could smile to all sorts of situations, for the first time I really was happy.

“I am sorry Zack, I am just not so into you”

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

I couldn’t understand. That moment in life, one moment, when tears doesn’t matter anymore, when you feel so crushed, that moment when you ask questions and you feel so abandoned, when life seems more like a rollercoaster, one moment I have so much dreams for us, and the other I have nothing left. The soul and the air I breath is just a clicking clock,  just waiting for it to stop, when loving someone is too much to bear, knowing that all hopes and dreams that you had meant nothing, one moment in life when you ask yourself a question “God, why is this happening to me” I have been fighting a lost battle, the love that I had, I don’t want it anymore, this life, I feel so cold, the inside is dead, the outside is just a matter of time, I wish I could be strong for her,  when I thought my purpose was to take care of her.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

“Now my dreams are all shuttered! Because you were my dream, you were the soul that I breathe, the only light that brightened away my misery. It’s funny how much I still adore and love you. It’s funny how I feel the need to hold your hand, funny how life proved me wrong when I thought I was right all this time, looking back with teary eyes when you realize the tears you cry will never do any good, I love you so much, this is too hard for me, and I know it’s too hard for the one’s closest to you. I had a dream and that dream was to make sure that I keep safe away from bad decisions that will affect me in the future, and it’s too late for me, too late for us.”

“I still love you no matter what, I still do, this path you’ve choose is too much for me and I hope you’ll come to your senses” I said and walked away. I figured that’s what happens when you grow to know and understand someone that you’ve instantly fallen in love with. When you fall deeper and deeper, before you know it, it has become an obsession, but I didn’t feel like I was but I knew that it was between those lines. It started off with letters to her.

 

#1: “I remember how I needed you desperately, when I told you I loved you, you laughed at me, I walked away with a sad face and hoping someday you’ll understand the emotions I go through just by thinking about your smile and your touch, how I needed you Charity, So many things I wanted to tell you, I know you just never wanted to hear one single part of it. I knew you were never going to be mine, but that didn’t stop me to be the best friend you needed; I cared too much to just let you slip you away. The hurt you put me through, the break-ups and make-ups, all of the pain and misery, sleepless nights, all of the dreams you made me throw away, tears I cried, in the mist of all that, I do love you, still…”

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Yet there were no make ups and breaks ups, I was in a position where I had already thought we were dating, part of me was clearly and pretty much aware of what I was doing, of all we know. It is not exaggerated, throughout the event we were just calm, I had even told her that she is the one for me and I am the one for her. I just couldn’t stop myself from writing.

 

#2: “I have been a fool for love, thinking I needed someone by my side to feel complete – but then what’s the use if you are here with me and still not happy. So If I lose you now, it would still feel the same, I have travelled every corner of this feeling, and I know it hurts to hold on to someone you “hope” they’ll feel the same about you. I only feel so strongly in love with you because it’s part of me, part of who I am. Love is the only emotion that’s able to break or make me. I know I have so much love in me, and I am not asking you to love me, I won’t even talk you or convince you to love me, It isn’t there. . . I don’t want you to learn how to love me, I wanted it to just come naturally and love me for who I am. I am seeing it many times and it hurts even more when my heart falls for someone who doesn’t feel the same, because in their hearts it’s just not there, so clearly they don’t know one bit of how you feeling. I never want to depend on you for my happiness . . . Love is not about to be taken for granted especially for a man like me. ..  I still feel like I need you.”

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

The second letter was too personal, it was truly how I felt, but she never responded to any of my messages. I was still on my 17’s and 18’s trying to woo her heart. I just kept going until to a point that it didn’t matter anymore, I never stopped going.

 

#3: “Like a mirage, the closer I try to get to you, the further I push you away, I’ve looked for you all my life and now that I have found and still can’t have you, breaks every inch of my heart apart, how to cease the heart when I made a promise to it, Just a thought of you being gone before I even had you, where did I go wrong. Is it because I lost mama and papa that I am this emotional, or Is it the loss of  my Sis, and half-brother, or Is it the miserable life I am going through,’ or is it that I can’t find love on every corner of the streets, or is it all that, Is it because I am not as loved as I thought I am, Is it the lies I keep telling myself, why do I take love so seriously, why am so attached to the one thing I can’t have, what is this path that has been chosen for me. I see myself teasing my brother and sister, and mama telling me to stop it, when papa is watching the game all lost in a memory and lost throughout. What is this love that I am looking for, that`s so hard to find. What I am going through at this very moment is unbearable,”

 

At this point in time, I was numb, and lost out of words. I just wanted to give up as it was known that 5 years later I was still feeling the same way about her.  I heard a voice from a distance saying that deep inside me, there’s a child, a child that’s waiting for the right moment to emerge, a child with so much faith, hopes and dreams, don’t let anything take away the faith in you, you are designed for a special purpose, you are designed to survive, to overcome anything, and achieve anything you set your mind to, it will be ok, just don’t keep that child too long. The smile struck me hard on my face, contagious with enthusiasm. I am sitting there all by myself as I take a walk down the memory lane. Flying back to where it all began. Out of all the possible dreams in the world mine was to spend the remaining of my life with her, I wish I had told her that I am dying, any day now. And with her away, she was just are making it easier, but I knew it was just devious thoughts pulling me away further from reality.  “If you ever come back running back to me, I’ll be already singing with angels, I wish I had told you sooner.” Longing for love in all that I can see, so concerned about tomorrow when all that we have left is Today, yet I am still trying to fix Yesterday.  Looking out the window, thinking about her, and how we’ve been distant lately, funny that I hardly know if I’ll ever get a chance to do things with her, to make memories and build our own little empire. Just in a blink, I wished for better days, our existence together seem apart, not to add too much into it but, I hoped she had a good day the other day and I sure hoped she’d have a great day on the presence. If anybody asked, I begged them to tell her that I still adore her.  Love was all that I needed, nobody told me that my journey in all sorts, will be a tussle to tackle. I meant more to me than anything else. The dream I knew, I knew that if I had found it, I was never going to let it go. Yet I knew for a fact that this is all God’s work, that one day I will understand.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

I know that this will teach me how to appreciate love when one has found it. Young, wild and free, yet was trying to understand the depth of love, digging deeper beyond my ability, waiting for something to come, something precious, I rushed, I wanted to force love into a heart that isn’t meant to love me, desperate to fall in love, to have someone to call my own.  Today, she still is the best friend I needed, loved and cherished whole heartedly. I had thought I finally found someone but I lied to myself, I believed and yet how I felt was real. I still look deeply into one’s heart, crying from within, asking myself too many questions to answer. Seems the only thing I know is the same thing that wags me chaotic. The words I kept telling myself numerously, thrown back in a designated area for all of the uneasy hearts, pile of thoughts in a mist of unanswered questions. Trying to figure out a way forward from this dreadful mess I’ve cost for myself. It may seem as if I was looking for commitment in my early stage, yet I still couldn’t define it, but I knew all about it. Love seems to have knocked me too many times down than to warm me up when weathers were cold. I battled out a fight, a fight that I was fighting alone; I needed a shoulder to cry on. I skipped a sequence and fell into a hole, troubled by my own doings.

“I have no idea why I feel the way… the way I feel about you, but I thought we were soul mates, Yet I am still in love with you, but I can understand that perhaps you don’t feel me as much as I feel you, I still need you as a friend, because regardless of what had happened, you just complete me.”

I said this wavering, because it came from the heart.

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

“It’s okay, I understand.”

She smiled, we hugged.  Sitting down in a crowded place and yet I couldn’t be seen. I stayed there for hours, reminiscing about the events that had happened in my heart. Invisible in a sunny day, no matter how I screamed nobody could hear me, although everyone else was hushed, led on right into the dark.

Next chapter: CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

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  • Sesethu video breaks the internet

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    Isn’t it sad what the world has become. There’s a 14 year old who is trending on Social Network known as #Sesethu. What is the story behind the Trend. There’s a video of a 14 year old (Sesethu) – In the video she is self stimulating herself with the hand for pleasure – I guess I […]

  • A concerned South African talks about Sesethu Video [Sarel-Lee Maribana‎ ]

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  • #Sesethu - The Trend in South Africa

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    REPORTS: An unseemly video of a young lady, named Sesethu, is as of now doing the rounds via web-based networking media. A considerable measure of jokes have been made. Sharing the video and passing uncouth remarks about the young lady is online networking disgracing. While you may play around with your peeps on Twitter and […]

  • Crime in SA #TaxiRape

    #TaxiRape: In front of her 10 year old son, she was raped.

    by on March 23, 2017 - 0 Comments

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  • Chapter 4: "I scored before I could score and missed"

    by on February 12, 2017 - 0 Comments

    CHAPTER 4: Emotions Evoked “I scored before I could score and missed” Suddenly everything slowly started to make sense, although I couldn’t get the sense of how it had all began, I was way too young to endure such misery. Lonely and miserable in my own way, suddenly I started to enjoy the sadness and […]