CHAPTER 11 – Emotions Evoked
“There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”
Bakwena High School situated in a village known as Modikwe, not so far from home, just a walking distance. My first and somewhat real love affair was entirely with a different girl, whom I dated at age 19, and the routes between our lives faded apart too soon.
“I love you, so much Eliz” I said.
“I love you too” She replied.
A catchy sound of beautiful tunes a desire to incline above a soothing melody to dwell in wholeheartedly. The words that stand to mean too much of a little in a crazy world that reigns of love, the vulnerability of its powerful sense and how it showered me off all depression, resonating from inside out. A sight of mind that’s only given a concrete structure of light, blinded over the shadows of all mists of affections, the feeling so good it creeps in through all sorts of formats, a thorough-sucking para-love within the heart, contained in the heart through blood vessels. I tend to move across the battle of my inner most perception of what is unknown to the eyes. The weather changed, in an instance, I knew that afternoon what my soul at heart had expected. It had started in class when my best friend at the time, Thato Sono, informed me that his cousin wanted to see me after school. My ego as a man hadn’t been matured enough at that moment in time. I let her in my space, to hear her out. However, even though she may have taken initiative, I have had my own mind running wild about her. “How can I ever let you go, when I feel so attached to you? My body, mind and soul are just surrounded through by the love inside me. You are my consolation, my desire, my true love beyond every aspect of love, beliefs and facts, the only love that creates a brand new world of my own. I walk in peace with the smallest amount of thought of her, smaller for a microscope to see.” Mesmerized by her ways, her beauty, how quickly she understood me. How much I knew about her within the moment she first looked at me. The way she made love to me in a dream, how she exceeded my expectation in reality. She moved me far apart from the point I thought I understood a woman, to a point I finally got to be a man that finally understood that it didn’t really matter. I lied to myself for years, seeking for specifics, when I was supposed to look deep in thy heart. I was looking for the opposite of me, yet my compatible was the woman who was just as much of me as I was of her. I ignored the glowing sunshine to a better understanding, and took a path in life that led me to many trials before I finally got to my situation. I battled out all deceits of my own emotions; I started meddling with all my virtuous deeds to interrelate through all that had been happening from dawn. The state of my emotions deteriorated. I walked through a miserable path that I believed I was in. I slowly made silly mistakes along my way up, that I almost lost my best friend and most important people in my life and I was enough with that.
Words that got me mesmerized, conversations we had over the phone, bitten the lower lip as I got lost between my own words. The love I felt and had for Elizabeth, she indeed was the second girl I madly fell in love with, I took my time and she made the first move, I was 18 at the time going to 19, and she was only 17. She had short hairs and she was incredibly beautiful, I couldn’t believe that a beautiful girl like her would hit on a guy like me. Things moved on too quickly, our love for each other just seemed to be weakening as each day past. We broke up after 4 months, it’s only when she was gone when I wanted her too badly. Even at high school this was a bit of too much to deal with for me, I was not so normal, if you’d run through my mind, It would be a nightmare for you. I needed a branch of hope instead of a stem, I looked deeply into her life, and realized how complicated I make my life to be. But I knew that one day all this will be gone and forgotten.
“I want to go home” She said.
“No, don’t go, I am going to be bored, I’ll even sleep here” I replied.
We were sitting in a decorated stone, it wasn’t a park, but it had a “Phola Park” Sign. We would sit there for hours, when at times we would hug and hold each other, not even saying a word. So oblivious, it takes my breath away thinking about it now. Moment I cherished in life. Although we were young, our break up at that time was not something I didn’t think of. It is true that no matter how young you are, you just know when you have made a mistake. I couldn’t fix us, she didn’t let me – I couldn’t force it, it always takes two and unfortunately for me in this case, I was by myself. I screamed, I cried, I begged, I texted, I sang, I wrote, I drove, none of which was good enough for a soul that had already made up its mind. Years later the same woman in my bed and cuddling, the next morning she admitted that she was just using me, regardless, I screamed, I cried, I begged, I texted, I sang, I wrote, I drove, none of which was good enough for a soul that had already made up its mind.
The unforgettable is the first lover. How I gladly ignored the saddest face on Gloria’s face. Our first goodbye was the last. There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes, goodbyes that never crossed my mind that it might be the last, and by the time you realize, it is then that it’s too late, and no matter what one can do, there’s nothing left for us to do but accept the fact that it’s done. I can never regret any moments we have shared when in fact I miss most of it, the augments, long texts, kisses, hugs, well, sounds more like it’s all of it.
“I love you, and the way you carry yourself”
Over the phone as I whispered these words through the phone, as she replied, her voice was like a melody in my heart, I pinched myself just so I can see if I was still awake. She was the anchor of the soul I was breathing. There were moments in life that were priceless. I valued everything she ever said, and she was too easy to approach, to talk to. All that mattered that moment was her smile. How beautiful she looked during her ugliest days. I would still find her irresistible.
“You and just you, bring my true nature, I am glad you love who I am, because I love everything about you boy”
I didn’t know what love was, in that moment I never cared, all that was, was enough for me, and I wanted it to last for a lifetime. I started to care too much too soon; I started to see the future and her as my wife and two boys running around in the house.
“Hey, Buddy! Where’s your Brother?”
“I don’t know, Daddy…”
How wonderful it is to daydream, to see yourself up there when you are still down here. A prediction, like you know how is ever going to end, then in the middle of all that, life happens, it remains erratic. It’s only then when I was in not so happy mood, when she called me and wanted to see me. In about the moment, I knew, I just knew it was those moments that had to be cut in my life. I saw it coming, I also thought about it. We outgrew one another, we had different dreams, different goals, different values, we only realized when it was long overdue, but my heart didn’t care about that, I knew we could make things work, but in that moment…
“This is not working for us” She said,
My heart pounding, looking into her eyes for the last time, I knew she had already made up her mind and that there was nothing I would do about it. I didn’t even try anything; I just wanted to spare myself any further torture.
“What’s not working baby?”
I usually never find myself asking questions in the worst situations, I wanted to know what was on her mind, what’s she thinking, when do we have to suddenly break up when I had fallen deeply in love with her.
I just had to make her say it, I didn’t want to look desperate, at that age, and my ego took over. Perhaps if I had fought for her, things would’ve turned out differently, if I had begged her not to do this. You just never know.
“You are right babe, this is just not working for us, I hope you’ll find someone that will make you as happy as you made me, but sometimes love is just not enough, enough for the two of us, I may have failed us, although I wish there was a way to fix this”
Giving her a clue that I wanted to fix this, and still didn’t seem to shackle her brain, and I was wondering if she was hearing the words I was saying, so I repeated it.
“I wish there was a way I could fix this, because I want to”
She didn’t want to indulge in this; I knew it in that point in moment when a relationship just ends with nothing that triggered it. I didn’t want to show that I was hurting, that I loved her dearly to work it out, she just blew me off.
“Thanks. I wish you all the best in life.”
I don’t like that statement in moments of a break up. Don’t wish me well just hug me. I wanted her to embrace me for a second or two, tell me she loved me just one more time, and I’ll tell her the same. I was devastated, as I turned to walk away, she stopped me.
You know that moment of hope, when you turn with such excitement hoping that she had changed her mind. I didn’t want to show that I was smiling. I asked gently like I was whispering but audible enough for her ears only.
“What is it babe?”
She looked at me, for some time. In my head I am wondering what could be going on in her hers. I am screaming out “please Lord let her say the words”. She comes a little bit closer to me, then my heart started pounding again just like the first time when we met, and she locked down on me.
“Please what, Eliz?”
Right now I honestly don’t know what to think but my heart is expecting something that’s going to soothe my heart. Her voice started wavering just like the first time when we met. How is it that we feel the same way in a moment like this just as we felt when I called your name and you called for mine?
“Please don’t try calling me, ever”
I was extremely speechless, I didn’t say anything, and I just turned and walked away.
Sometimes the things we feel are so real that we tend to ignore them. I had always wished to have made things different and took a different turn but then isn’t it too late to try to change things now? I guess you’ll never know but clearly things can never be the same. She had already proven to have moved on; in my mid 20’s I had found out that she was blessed with a beautiful daughter. That didn’t separate us, I would still see her now and then and played daddy to the baby, I had always wished for her to have a boy, born on the 28th of June like daddy, and unfortunately she was born on the 27th. How much my love for babies grew, as I have always wished to have one, but I was never ready to have my own until I had a home and financially free. The truth is that one night I was with her, if only things worked out differently, this baby could’ve been mine.
“I am sure if she were mine, she’d be a boy”
“No! I’ve always wanted a baby girl who’ll look just like me”
She prayed about it, and I believe she really did. I was happy that she’s had a healthy baby and that she was going to take very good care with her.