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Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 16 – Emotions Evoked

“I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”

For the mere fact that I could still walk gave me hope, even though it rained heavier as each day passed, I knew that no matter how long it may take there will be a sunny day.  It may have been too sunny to walk on the light; I knew it was not yet my shine. If I would wake up sleeping in the streets, that too would still give me hope, and I would still know that the foundation of the bridge I want to build has already been started. I don’t want go high above the skies because I won’t see anyone that have nurtured me to be able to go that high, and I know if I were to fall, no one would catch me, and I’ll fall hard. The same feeling that may have been evoked by a set of hilarious laughs, I instantly thought of how the end would be.  A second with an inch passes by to a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year and a decade, and then that it hits you that time has really passed you by. My first decade, I was a little boy, looking forward to life, with so much dreams and goals that I wanted to achieve. Every morning was started on with a smile, nothing worried me, and life was just as beautiful as a sunrise.  Daily, was lived like there was no tomorrow. My second decade, as I grew wiser, on my way up to finish of my second decade, I lost my pillar of strength. I believe that’s when everything changed drastically. I had no longer see things the way I use to.

Prologue – The Introduction [Emotions Evoked]

On my third decade, on my half way there, I made decision and that was only when I started loving myself and chose the person I wanted to be. I cared; I loved, yet in return there wasn’t enough left for me.  I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well. I grew stronger, people may have felt neglected, and I was in a journey to discover myself. I walked away from my world, stopped calling, stopped texting, I never showed how I cared or loved, all that was left, was the man in the mirror. I took a minute or two each day as it gradually grew even longer and stronger. It made me realize how much I had neglected myself and that my life was all just a wreck, hiding behind the good I did for a person and the love I gave away, when it should’ve started with me. Too many people looked at me like I was a bad guy, but I needed change, because I wasn’t comfortable with who I had become, the life style, clothes I wore, the bed I slept on, the way I was looked at, they saw what I had given out, as it was out in the open. People I cared about that I thought they’d care for me too, seemed more to be comfortable, and just merely accommodated me and thought perhaps that’s who I was, only my best friend at the time, Thato, knew better.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration

It seemed each year I grew an inch shorter, which prevented me to see what was behind the walls. I wanted too much where not even a little was offered. Growing up made me realize that everything that you mostly want in this poor cruel earthly nature, you have to work hard for it. I wasted most of my time hoping, although hope is very essential but of no use if you not taking any steps. I wasted my time hoping for a miracle, I still believe in miracles. Although they shall find me on my way up, I know I said it before but I am going to saying it again, that everything needs to be met half way. I was in awe, when I sat alone for moment thinking about my life and where I wanted to be. I am still in awe that I may have been so blind, in such a clearer path. I look a lot at a lot of friends I knew, and some of which I grew up with. They have grown and truly matured, but then look at me, I know you aren’t supposed to compare one’s life with another but, I am giving you permission to, for inspiration, for you to wake up from a dreadful nightmare. They are not any different from you, yes I did convince myself, they worked harder and harder to achieve their goals and be the best as they can be. Isn’t that what we all want?  I was still stuck and trapped in a 14 year old body of a boy who has been through some things, for how long? Time has yet again passed me by, and yes, I would still use it as an excuse if things didn’t work out as planned.

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

The moments in life, that’s when life hits harder, you look back and find that one particular corner where you were stuck before and stay there, who knows for how long, yet I do realize that some things are just meant not to work out. You will only be helped in life when you help yourself, and there’s a scripture in the Good Book of that sort. I believe God will only and only help you when you help yourself; even miracles have to be met half way, I said it again. The truth is biter and makes you want to curse, hurt yourself, punch someone, at the end of it all you’ll have to face it.

Limitless effort is required to move in within your thoughts and rearrange your way of thinking, and face what’s in the open just like as it is. Let’s call a spade a spade, no need to smoother it, it will remain as it is, it’s our time we wasting because you will get back to it, if you leave it unturned.  It might not be easy, clichéd or perhaps easier said, but sometimes it takes only you to stand, and take that one single step and everything else will follow.  Take a look yet again, if you would tick everything that you wanted to achieve in life, how many would you mark, I see zilch, perhaps a few but you haven’t got to a point where you want to be. The fight never ceases.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

I remember one afternoon just me in a park, looking at people walking up and down, some relaxed with their loved ones. I envied how they were all in love, snuggling and having so much fun. That never stopped me to cease thinking about all that I really wanted to achieve. Perhaps if I had a reason I would stand and take a step forward. I looked deeply into this situation, I seemed to have put making people proud my first priority. See, then I realize that, I may have wanted to please people than anything else, why is it that we care so much about what people think about us, about our lives and what we want to achieve, when all that matters should be about you and making your life work, and it has become so oblivious that we don’t even realize that we doing it.

“Zack, why do you want to achieve this so much…?”

I felt the end part of the question echoing in my mind, I then realized that I may have wanted to have a clearer reason, something that will make me want to wake up at 2AM in the morning and start working. It is so unfortunate that we fight to live and we live to fight for a better life. It doesn’t matter how my life was, it is a fact that I want better, better than what used to be. It may have applied in everything that one lost, even though that some of the things that I have lost are irreplaceable. The idea was to cure myself and just be.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

Ever been in a fight so long that you forgot what you were fighting for? It came to my attention asking myself that if it has been so long that you needed to be reminded of the battle you fighting that you probably have already lost, was it really worth it anymore. Yes, we do get stuck in a lost battle, which sometimes I feel we are afraid of change, afraid of a new challenge, afraid to start over. The time had yet passed me by again. Life can never be as easy as it seemed when one was on his first decade, yet if we can learn to live like that for a life time, imagine how much we can achieve. There is no such thing has a new you, or an old you, you are as you were born, and you will remain. My High School Principal, Mr Makhutle had always told me that we are born fisted, I believed it’s because you are born a fighter and he had said it’s because within its all talents you possess.  I never for a second believed that a better pay cheque will make me happier. Although it is what I strive for each morning, and its called living, when all that we need is love. You might disagree, but I promise you, without any love of some sort, all that materialistic things you have, don’t mean a thing if you don’t have anyone to share them with, that even without them it wouldn’t make a difference. Before the next person, it had to start with me.  Sometimes, just once in a while, I wanted to be selfish and let it all be about me, if not now, then when is it ever going to be about me?

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

If nobody appreciates you, make them. This life truly is unpredictable, you never know if the next day will be any better if the worst doesn’t happen. We wait and hope with so much faith that it shall arrive and wake up to do what one is designed to, or waste another precious day that might be your last.

 

…The truth? Yeah bitter, but has to be told.

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I have been miserably all my life; it’s time to shake me awake off all that misery and face up to the truth. My past has now worn out; yes it marks a great reminder. One I can never forget, and no one is asking me to, but we all deserve better.  As my mother use to say, that I can never save the world but I can always choose to make a difference, It reminds me of my early days of relocation, when one my “friends” visited, when we were dished up, it had never occurred to me that I should share with him, and it’s human for that to come naturally, but it felt at that moment that I was losing my humanity. I didn’t even care much, I never wanted to listen but I wanted to be heard and yet I wasn’t saying anything. My aunt tend to look at me and possibly wonder what was going on within my head when I myself didn’t even understand one bit of what was going on with me. I believed at age 14, I knew all that needed to be known, yet every day of my life there would be one or two things that I would learn, some of which I could’ve just thought of myself, made me realize that, even though we are cruel to one another, we still need each other. We might fight all night but in the morning, we almost have to hold hands just so we can survive the day. I believe it’s a human thing, not complex, but rather a way that God had created us to be. We will fall with the nights and we’ll rise with the Mornings.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“I am here now, young and fearless”

Those were the words I had in my mind, because I knew it was never the end, when it in fact was the beginning of a life, re-born from a life of turmoil, re-born from a life of abundance, neglect and all unhealed wounds. I sacrificed the dark worlds with my hard work and dedication, yet I am still in touch with my inner emotions. I tear up when I look back yet with a smile to think that I almost gave up on the one thing I was left with, and that’s life, but I also had Gloria, and she was never going to make it any easier for me. I realized that my journey to Johannesburg was the beginning not for me to forget where I am from, but to face up with how life is and possibly try to draw myself into a better person. I never wanted to ingest in the past but rather live for the best. Giving up, had to be my last resort. Look how beautiful the sun rise is, to think that I wouldn’t enjoy the beauty of nature because of what was and probably never ever will be. I deserted that thought.  I only realized how powerful a thought can be, that it actually takes over and before you know it, you are literally bossed by your own thoughts. The moment you realize it’ll be too late. However, I have a forgiving heart; I was able to forgive my past, yes, I forgiven my past for doing me wrong when all I needed was to be treated right.  I tend to believe that the most dangerous heart is the vulnerable one with a wound that still needs some healing, yet I tend to find an opportunity in the worst places as I actually used my wounded heart to look at the positive sight, trying to seek for that one single spark of a shining light. I too walked my own, and I know that the walk will continue with or without me.

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

This draws me back to the hands that might never get to hold me, Charity, the beautiful and most sensational, super being that for some reason, my heart can never cease to love. I cannot explain what beats my heart to explain, it is as it is and I should just accept it. I tend to pretend not to care, not to love, but my heart will always yean back to her. I am now walking a path, a difficult love life, that every single lady I see within their eyes is the girl that my heart yelled and yields so much space to accommodate her, but with so much that I have done, there was no chance for me to do anything more than what I had already done. Maybe she still has her pride, and she turns to be the first lady that I actually liked, loved, adored, and in my minds was the wildest dreams of me and her, and still is. She had seen what was within that I neglected, something I never cared for, loved and respected, and that’s me. She herself sensed it in a way, I knew it in my heart that she loves me too, she cared deeply, and she had admitted once or twice but my lack of loving me more and appreciating me really put a low profile score, so I call it. Every morning, I prayed for her, she was the closest I knew. I knew that this feeling was to last a life time and never regretted it. Things along the way would work out at least now that I am awake and I see everything clearer and clearer every day.  My hopes and dreams never changed, they remain as they’ve always been. I see them coming in and walking out, each day, but Charity will remain. It’s not about finding a replacement, and if one would walk into my life thinking they are going to replace her, they really have another thing coming.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

“I have been distant lately, not because I have neglected you or perhaps you think I love you any less, the more I distance myself from you, the more my heart cries out your name in tears because all that my heart can accommodate is you”

CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

This was the last message she received, she’s very stubborn, and I wasn’t expecting any respond, then I knew that we were back in our old habits. I was the chaser and she was the target playing her silly games, but it was better that way. I had figured out a lot of things that needed to be changed, things that I need to do for myself, I chose to wake up in the morning and live. I had so much to achieve, part of which she remained a part of. I see myself as a winner, the kind that can achieve more than I deserve, and I only see it now that we all have that within us and all we have to do is wake up. You can wake up from a lot of things. That nightmare you never seem to stop dreaming. You can wake up from that miserable life. You can wake up from the past and look forward to the future.  Let what you have now, motivates you to get you even further, and if you have nothing, let your greatest achievement fill that space. We all have too many holes that needs filling. We all have an empty book to start writing a way forward of our lives, we have places we want to visit, dreamed to live at, and mostly we have a life to live. All that you ever dreamt about ever since you were a kid, now you old enough to get out there and make it a reality and nobody can stop you but you.

CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

The mornings now are the brightest, because I chose them to be and that’s how I would prefer my mornings to be. I start my day with a cup of coffee and a smile on my face. Have I figured out my purpose in life? I don’t know that yet, but this feels great that everything seems flushed away and all that is, is a life filled with so much happiness. I believed from years back that happiness is a choice and it’s only that when I have chosen it, things starts to unfold. I pretended for a while, you know the saying, fake it until you make it, well, it worked pretty well and yes I listen to critics, they are the most amazing people out there. The journey continues and will end when my life ends, until then I will do just what one was born to, work hard, be a provider, make a difference, and take each day as it comes.  You know that facing life was the most difficult thing to do, but not anymore, life now is easier when faced, it only fights back when ignored. So as each day passes, I shall live mine like I know for a fact that tomorrow, tomorrow might be a day no more.

CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

…The truth? Yeah bitter, but it must be told, and the truth is your life lies with you hence on, it is what you do with it next that matters, I have lived mine to see the rest before the end, and it has just promised the end as I predicted as a Child

…The End.

Reader’s Digest

 

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CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 15 – Emotions Evoked

“My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”

“Unrevealed truths”

“.and Memories”

CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”

Before my mother’s passing I moved on very quickly from that chapter, it felt more embarrassing for me. Reminding me of a girl that I had been sleeping at her home, when my mother would let me sleep there, that one day she had accused me of raping her. We were both 11, we didn’t know what we were doing but at some point if felt well, she had agreed and there was no penetration whatsoever.  Remembering days yet blurry pictures when I was naked with my crush in some room, and I remember trying to penetrate her, yet it never happened or that of my neighbor, when she really wanted to be penetrated but I yet again I failed to.  When I flash back, in a stream of confused thoughts, some sort by far a word that can describe molestation is thus the only word that can describe a night with my neighbor, he was drunk, and he invited me over. I didn’t tell anyone about it and will never if I was going be asked about it, I never even confessed this to my best friend, after an exposure of his genitals to me, I escaped, although he had me to a point when I remember that he pulled my hands over his crotch. I ran, and even though I laughed about it, it haunted me for a few months until I grew old to understand what was going on. I heard rumors that he had died.  Some things are better left untold. Remembering when I was a very naughty boy because of the friends I chose to hang around. I believe every kid has been naughty at some point, like that when I had my first fight and almost bleed to death when I had only figured it was a mere nose bleeding from the hiding I got, or that when I first approached a girl that I liked and she told me to go bath because I am too dirty to be with her, perhaps that when I was accused of inserting broken card on a public phone, or when I stole R10 in the 90’s, when I would be able to buy bread, two litters of paraffin and half a dozen of eggs and still be left with some change or when my friends asked me to steal peaches from my own home, perhaps when I broke into a house to steal some money, that was a bit extreme, you look back into these things, you realize that friends you choose, can somewhat make you do things that you’d never think of doing.

CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

I remember back in 1998, when we stole peaches at some other place, because they were just hanging outside, from the fence, I came up with the silliest idea to walk from home to where my mother was staying with her boyfriend. It was a very long walk about 30 Kilometers and yes we did, but they were very tired that they decided to go back, and I just continued walking. When I got there, I just found out that she had gone back home. She went crazy looking for me that she almost reported me missing, until someone made a call of my whereabouts.

 

Remembering how funny that when you grow up with a lot of different friends with different personalities. That’s when I was about 9, I said my first curse word, because I was really pissed, and everyone else was surprised. I remember pointing out and said “Yes I said it”. Although I found it weird to think that my mom cursed like nobody’s business and yet when I did, everyone was suddenly acting all shocked.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

I remember how my mother would dress me like a girl, for some reason I didn’t find it weird.  As well as ladies underpants, thinking about it now make me want to ask her just “Mother, what were you doing though”, I would dress like that on “casual day” at school. I remember I was teased but I was actually fine with it.  I remember that entire crazy make up, and my very first and only bicycle I had, back then it seemed normal, but I remember it was pink in color and it was a tricycle.

 

I remember how much my mother would love to exaggerate on everything and every truth had to have some added details, and for some reason I had to remember all the events I never attended.

“Yea and it was fun, fun, fun. Fun, tell them baby”‘

I am sitting there looking like an idiot, I am thinking to myself, okay, what do I say, and what do I say.

“Aaah Yes it was…. fun!”

…and I could see that they didn’t buy it at all, but I didn’t even care, and I knew my mother very well, like no other. Just, I wish sometimes that I could have just one more conversation with her.  I remember the one time when she made me drink alcohol; I was about 6, “my mother though”. She made me drink the whole cup, a minute later, I didn’t know what was going on with me, well I was drunk but I didn’t know by then. I remember crying, and all she said was, “oh my baby is drunk”, she forced me to sleep, from then, I don’t even remember the next morning.

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

One thing that pained me to the core was in 1997’s New Year. When everyone celebrated with fireworks, my mother was sleeping, it was dark, we had no electricity, I went out, and everyone was having so much fun with their families and celebrating, I felt unwelcome. I went back home, cuddled with my mother, and said “Happy New Year Mom”.  I knew she was crying that she couldn’t afford to buy me just a single bunch of fireworks, but I understood and it was OK.

Next Final Chapter: CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”

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  CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 14 – Emotions Evoked

“Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”

Defining one’s self isn’t as easy as it may appear in the mirror; the shed tears may discourage the true nature of what’s right before and seen as real. Despite what my whole life may have shown the other reflection, I know better.  I am now all and above, content with what’s within.

“Hello”

“Hey”

Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”

It’s dark, in middle of the road, going back home, and the spirits of all evil coming in a stream to take away the only thing I have in life that I may want to live for. I was drunk for the first time.

“You are not going to make it, Zack, why suffer if you can end this”

The picture I had in my mind was seeing me in a dark room and I was all by myself trying to figure out what might happen if I pulled a trigger. My mind is blown out of proportion; my thoughts are now in control of every thought that might cross my mind. All negative thoughts seen as a reflection of the positive. I believed what was never there yet a reflection of my past convinced me otherwise.

“Pull that trigger” whispered a voice.

I thought I was in a room but now it feels like I am somewhere in the middle of nowhere, the same place that I had found myself, I could hear a owl, hooting. I am in desperate need to end it and possibly never ever hear about it.

“Pull that trigger” The voice continued.

I started to cry, a man’s tears like those of a woman, weakened by all life’s threats. I am in need of a persuasive scripture to save me from my thoughts, just when I thought it was dark, it got even darker, and darker, and darker, then suddenly a flash of light from the mysterious fire started burning, and I knelt in front of it.

“Pull that trigger”

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger. There was a long pause, as the bullet slowly escaped from the gun, I could move my head around, confused, trying to figure out what was going on. I felt a gust of wind blowing me away from the bullet; as I slowly fell down, the beer I was holding, slowly fell down. I knelt there on my own, with so much tears in my eyes. I looked up and screamed.

“HELP!!!”

I felt like I had already lost my mind, at times I convinced myself that help was coming my way when at times it felt like it was too late for me. I kept the faith, the strength I had wasn’t enough to hold on, and faith was the only thing to hold on to. I truly was on my own, not because I chose to, nobody chooses a life like that. Nobody wants to be hurt and left alone. We only endure through that path to walk out. I may have thought of extreme measures, I am only glad that I was a coward enough to do it, but I can only have been more of a coward if I had done it.

Finally the bottle reached the floor, and I could see how that glass was broken into pieces. I took one broken glass, squeezed it into my hand, I needed to feel some pain, even that was not enough from what was felt within. I realized then just how much the internal affects us, emotions can make or break you, they decide our feelings, I was there trying to make sense of everything, yet I was as blank as a newly born baby.

CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

I slowly became unconscious, I laid there until my blood clotted and stopped bleeding. I was awakened by the cold weathers; see even then I had nobody. I walked, freezing, and saw an outdoor spigot dripping water, and I washed my hand.

When I arrived at home I don’t know, where it had come from, I felt a slap from behind.

“Where are you from?”

As I turned, it was my other uncle, at 14 few months after my mother’s passing; he wanted to show me who was the man of the house. I had a lot more to deal with, as I ignored him, going to my room, he pulled me back.

“HEY, I ASKED YOU A QUESTION” he shouted.

I laughed, as he hit me one more time, it was his first time, and hoped it’d be his last, I was not in the mood for this. He left me, although there were continuous hits because of my misbehavior, but today I am able to laugh about it.  I slept for hours and all afternoon, surprisingly he didn’t wake me up.

CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

December, 2000, I knew this was the last day for me in Venterdorp, woke up earlier than ever before with such excitement. I ironed my clothes, polished my shoes, I had no tie by then I always wished I had one, as I had seen it as one of fancy garments.  I got to school; they handed out our reports and applied for a school transfer.  As soon as I was done, I was ready to face another path which I hoped it would be easier on me.

“You really are living?” a rhetorical question.

…Asked Moses Hector, who was my best friend by then.  I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t very pleased about it, but in mind I had already made it up as if it was my choice.  I just gave him a brotherly hug and told him I’ll keep in touch. Earlier that evening my cousin Khido came from Joburg.

“Isaac, you were rejected in my school because they don’t have the subjects you doing” she said.

For some reason I was pleased that it had been rejected, because I wanted to be close to my aunt, I knew she was my last option, which it was never going to be rejected. I knew for a fact that public schools accept anyone.  I was ready for a new start. I remember, I packed all my clothes, took a long nap, in exactly 11:49pm I saw rays of lights coming through the windows, as soon as I heard a car horn I was ready to hit the road.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”

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Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 13 – Emotions Evoked

“It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”

CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

Rays of the sun through the window woke me up from a peaceful sleep, after so many years it was like a brighter day as I put things into perspective.  Weird that I went through my old stuff, and there I found words I inscribed in a piece of paper.

“Dear you”

“Can I tell you about you?”

Those were the first words of my sentence.  I didn’t remember much that I had written on that paper, even though the first words got me intrigued, I folded the paper and put it into my pocket, made breakfast, and after sometime I remembered that I had that paper in my pocket, I took it out. Re-read the first statement, and continued with it.

CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

“You are amazing, you alone can build a bridge of your own success, you alone can measure up your own meter of success, you alone can stand firm and claim all victory, and you deserve more than just the greatest. You alone can begin a story, and choose how to end it. You’ve moved past the worst, You’ve already made it, you just forgot to claim the prize, because it’s already yours no matter how long it may take to be redeemed.”

CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

With a smile upon my face thinking out loud, “I wrote that?” Although it wasn’t all that I had written, that piece of paper, gave me so much to think about, and that from way back I’ve always had courage that one day I am bound to make it and let the world hear my voice, out of many things that I may have chosen, I’ve also chosen to be alive and to live.  Dreams to fulfill, a way forward from all the mess experienced, is still seen as a gargantuan task to tackle, but the rest truly was up to me and how I decide to end it.  My mornings will rise and my nights will set, but my accomplishment will stand firm.

“Your finish line is already here.” I continued reading.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

I took that with me everywhere I went, I must admit that sometimes when you fall, there are times when you just feel like you have given up, even though you know that it’s the last thing on your mind. I feel like I am insulting my inner soul when I say “The last thing” like it’s in my list, because I don’t have it on my list.  I am not scared anymore, I break the walls, all obstacles, I move at a speed far greater than that of a light, if we talking about my future then I have the right to make that move.  Funny how I’ve always wanted things on a silver platter, thinking I deserved it, but ironically if you believe you deserve something, you work hard for it. I failed that once, twice, thrice, four times, but hey, who’s counting? It was just a matter of me getting it right this time. I moved back and forth too many times, life is only awarded once, if I continue with my madness, it won’t get me anywhere.

“You are the limelight of your destiny, the pillar of all strengths destined for success; you are the music and the sound of joy, the link that matches the other end of happiness,”

I was sipping on my tea as I was standing around the house, and went outside to read more of the script. I was approached by a morning breeze that merged with the words I was reading. Felt at ease with my soul, my towel almost fell when I stretched my muscles; the lady from next door was pretty much disappointed.

“Morning” she said.

“Morning” I replied.

We never say much to each other, that’s all we ever say, as the breeze reverberates the words of the script of the last part I had already read, I then read the whole part

“… the questioned re-defined, but the definition comes from within, so the question I am asking is, who are you? Because I can only say less than more than you can express. Can you tell me about you?”

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

That’s the question that had me thinking, who am I? I tend to believe that the amount you suffer is equated to the amount you’ll receive even though I was hoping for far greater. But I was so wrong it’s not even funny. It takes determination to make it. The friends you make, the people that inspire you, the people that encourages you, the people that surrounds you. Even after that many aspects, you still have a choice to make. I realized that nobody was going to hold my hand to the finish line; I had to run on your own, the only thing they can offer is water and food in early days, after sometime, even with that too; I had to make a plan.  I screamed out “Wow, life really sucks”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

“Gloria, where have you been?”

I had so much to do with my life, there’s still hope where there isn’t any left. Nothing can ever change what had happened. Be glad it happened, embrace it, move on but never forget. The future is ahead, that’s where we going, that’s where we should be headed. Never mind the silly mistakes you’ve made, it’s never too late to make amends, and one thing you can never change is your path. Your mistakes in life, where bound to happen, you didn’t stand any chance from getting away from them. Part of your mistakes are bits and pieces of your journey, they are lessons that one is supposed to learn from. Never ever give in, not in the worst situation possible, they have always told me that, the heavier it gets you should know the end of a new happier challenge has approached, and therefore what’s left of you is to keep going and the rest will be lessons learnt.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“”I guess this is it?” she asked.

“Not by a long run” I replied.

“What now?”  She asked.

“Now we live.” I said, and smiled.

Every morning is a questionnaire waiting to be filled, a purpose to be filled. Mondays are the worst, I can’t lie about it, and Fridays are the best. In any between others, I still wake up to make a decision to go out there and make my life work. I am not preaching, for the mere fact that you reading this today should mean something. I remember one morning I woke up, in winter, I went outside bare footed, and I screamed. It felt good but cold as ice. I felt relieved, I knew my purpose in life, is a purpose I will discover along the way. It will be an insult to me as human if I didn’t take enough steps to make right choices which I knew one of which was to get up and make every step to count.

“Zack what do you want in life?”

“Zack are you winning?”

“Zack are you anywhere near?”

“What’s going on, talk to me”

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I didn’t realize the pressure Gloria was putting on me, but not that I didn’t like that. She has always been there for me, cared for me, tried to guide me all the way. She always gave me a reason for breathing. In a mist of all the troubled paths I had nobody but her.

“I am here”

“Oh you almost gave me a heart attack there” She said.

Although we all know the mysteries of how Gloria Velsey came about, it worked for me. Few of my friends knew about her. She has always been part of my life, there’s no getting rid of her, and she will forever follow through every step I missed.

.Crazy? Yes, but then look at me now, determined, inspired, motivated, encouraged, ambitious, self-couscous, people’s person, loving, arguably charming, some facts have to be faced. I have run away from the truth for too long, how did that work out for me? I have been miserable for a number of years. But eventually I acted and here I am, newly born and ready to conquer the world, and yes I did it on my own with a little push to the right direction.

“So what you up to now” She added.

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

I was working on a project, I had faith on, something that I hoped one day will be read, but I decided to give her my full undivided attention, how she enjoyed my attention.

“Doing a lot of writing, you?”

“Just looking at you and how far you’ve come, I am proud of you” She said.

I cannot really lie about it, I did come from far. I don’t compare, mine was hard enough, so was yours, or is yours, it doesn’t stop here though remember? It’s a cycle, with every circle completed begins a new one. With a new one allocated, hopefully you’ll be faced with the tougher one, because it’s only then that you will know you are redirected to a better path. Redirection processes are never my favorite, But I love the final destination, which of course is ironically the beginning, it’s just a new circle prior a finished one.

“This is a point where you get speechless” I said.

“I love you”

Such a powerful phrase and might break you in a long run. Often carelessly used but I didn’t mind it hearing it from someone that speaks it from the heart. It’s moments like these I cherish, when I am at peace with myself, the only sentiment that’s left of me. When you know all that needs to be told is out there and you took the liberty to move on with a smile upon one’s face. I knew that it will get easier.

“I love you too”

You know the change you bring in yourself when you start to appreciate yourself, when you start to love the person in the mirror, as clichéd as it sounded back then, now I am living the meaning, who can ever take that away from me? I can assure you now, nobody, unless we let them. From now on, I just needed to focus on the positive and make every messed up step taken serve as motivation. It’s only when you fail that you start to see clearer and clearer, the more you do, the more you keep on, the more you persevere, the more you start appreciating, it’s the more you realize how essential failure is in life, you will start to see motivation in odd moments. When they ask you, how you did it, tell them that my failures gave me too much courage and that’s when I realized how alive I am that I knew giving up is a disappointment in nature. The steps we take now, and every punch we take in, only makes us stronger for the next step.

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

I didn’t understand the phase I was going through, felt like I was walking on broken glasses that at times I just couldn’t bare the pain and I instantly stopped walking. I loved this woman with all of my heart, just can’t seem to get her replaced, the mistake that I may have made. It’s dubious to think how I can have grown so close to this woman that I can’t seem to get her to be my own. Yet I may have deceived my mind that I had her off my system, but one can never fool the heart. She called me on my 25th Birthday, It only rang twice, and never called again.

“…is it Charity again?” Gloria asked.

“This time I swear it’s over” I replied.

Just when you think it truly is over, that’s when you should know it hadn’t begun. I am a mess, as I kept telling myself. My heart is playing me for a fool. It’s only temporary; my heart still will see her as the same girl I first laid my eyes on.

Next Chapter: CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”

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CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

Emotions Evoked - Reader's Diggest February 12, 2017

CHAPTER 12 – Emotions Evoked

“Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”

That afternoon I decided to visit one of my good friends, Phemelo Pooe, short, darkish, and very intelligent than what a man would assume, nicknamed “Phex”, he at last agreed to quit smoking.  Sitting at his home, her sister Charity decided to go to visit some of her friends. Life turned out differently, even though there was progress, perhaps it seemed to have been very slow. Feels like I’ve been stuck in one position for several years, I am sitting there trying to figure out how life could’ve have turned out the way it has.

CHAPTER 11 “There’s nothing in this lifetime that I hated more than goodbyes”

“So how is joburg? I really want to come visit you someday” he asked.

Johannesburg is a place where supposedly dreams are made come true. The question drove me into thoughts. It drew from within, the pressure, what had made it so Impaired. How often we try to create dominion over what’s natural. The strength we seek through our own validation. A life owned by the very hand, yet validated by the person closest at heart, the fear to walk across change, change that would soothe our soul and put our sprit at ease. We can’t seem to stand tall and face the facts. The fact that time raises above all, the ticking sounds never cease with or without us, time that’s necessary for us to make amends, to look through our lives in detail. Time for introspection, how much we please people, living the only chance you have of life pleasing the people that are actually living their dreams. In time of despair, when the world seem to have knocked you down, Instead of a helping hand, we seek for a hand to hold on to, once we do, we tend to think that our lives would actually be better for all if we lived up to their expectations.

CHAPTER 10: “Shadows of the hurtful earths”

“Wake me up from such deceitful thoughts”, words I screamed out from all that would lead me astray. What about my dreams? What about what I want? Things I want to achieve, the life that is intended for me, living the life that was designed for me to live. Our purpose in life is not to please another, or to validate our lives to others. Nobody is going to show you directions, we have to fall in all types of potholes. Its okay to envy what people have, but it should be an encouragement to work twice as hard to be better. I have been through a situation, my life was like a wrecking ball, yet the only tears I had were those that I had brought to myself. Although it may have started with what had happened prior the period. I started to hang in a hook that was behind my friends, we did things, walked across the line, from up top to down bottom. The only thing I thought of, the fight I had with Thato. He seemed to take things easier than I thought, only because I was an emotional wreck and I knew he was as well, but he seem to have found a way around it.

CHAPTER 9: “At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”

“Anything knew?  You should find me a woman, man.” Phemelo asked.

I dwelled back, trying to avoid the fact that I am still in love with his sister, Charity, the woman I’ve sent so many letters and too many to count. I decided to be a guy, and make up stories of the girls I haven’t seen or heard of.

City of Gold, so I hear people scream in joy as it’s acclaimed of its pure gold. I barely could stand in my own two feet when I got here. “Uh my man, Where’s the Gold? “I asked when I saw the dirt in the taxi rank when I arrived at the city at 5am in the morning, with all the rumors about how people get mugged on a daily basis, made me feel uneasy. Just when I stepped my foot on the ground, a young man come directly to me,

CHAPTER 8: “If anything, don’t give up on your own blood,”

“Baba, where are you going?”  He asked me in Zulu.

Well, I can’t exactly tell him that I don’t know; he looked at me and started to say random places,

“Ranburg, Mabopane, Limpopo..?.”

“Umm, I am not going anywhere, this is it!” I said.

He wasn’t very pleased with my answer, I was really nervous, shortly that morning I met with the others and went around looking for accommodation, moved in and out of different flats.  I never for a second thought I’d ever see myself wondering around Joburg. I woke up one morning, took a shower, and ready to hit the street and go to school.

CHAPTER 7: “My souvenir”

“Is it anything you had in mind?” I snapped out of it, as he asked. Trying so hard to change the subject, he kept dwelling back to the topic at hand, as he was most interested on the about of this city.

“I… It’s n-not that b-bad” I stuttered.

I was not in the mood to talk about the city, but I didn’t let him know. Somehow he understood the fact that I didn’t want to talk about this at all. He shifted the topic.

“How is life?” he asked.

CHAPTER 6: “Death is inevitable but fear is a choice”

I never know how one is to answer this question, do you base it on recent activities, or rank the entire life you lived to date. We friends I’ve known him for some time so, it’s called having a conversation so the simplest most common answer came about.

“It’s just okay, yours?”

Weird how this conversation started about, we never sit around talking about life, we guys, we supposed to be talking about women, that somehow came as a sense of maturity, that now we want to talk about life and discuss matters of life and how one can approach it to get to a point where there will be less worries.

“Mine’s just what it is, and going about it with the flow, wherever this river is talking me”

I am thinking in my head, I am not going to be depressed today; I just want some beer and a good smoke. How I continuously laughed at myself knowing that those were none of my habits, yet its guy-talk and with a guy-talk we make up bunch of stories as amusement, we all know the stories aren’t real but who cares? We communicate; it’s like the absurd level, faking the lies.

“I am sure you have plenty of girls by now, huh?”

CHAPTER 5: “Tears of life, persuasive way to claim victory”

Look at me for a second, who am I kidding; I am the old fashioned guy and believe in the unbelievable. I have always considered myself as a one woman man.  But this question tricked me and rolled me over back to the days, when I still loved his sister. I still felt the connection. I wanted to tell him that, but I knew this could ruin a good topic and friendship, although he didn’t mind me dating his sister, but Charity was a very stubborn lady, who led me on and on and just when I thought that was it, I found out it was all just a “game”. Regardless, the more she resisted me, the more I wanted more of her. She is still that one woman that when I look back, it brings memories we never had.

“You know me man, I have 3”

What a lie, I am sure he saw that within me, we all know these stories, if it’s not 3, it’s always 5. I wasn’t here for that though, but I kept hearing people talking about man’s needs. I had this statement so wrong, that when I interpreted it, I said “Yes, a man’s needs, I need a house with a family, I need a lot of love, I need wealth to feed my family”, people we intersperse with, I learned a lot from these people but there are some things that we have to define ourselves.

Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”

“Wow, Three? What are their names?”

I thought of any name that would quickly come in mind. I struggled with the last as I paused for 3 second, that’s way too much time to pause for a name, I knew he didn’t buy it; I didn’t really care much, we were passing time.  I thought perhaps I should just be honest but it’s too late now I had already said too much lie.

“…Mandy, Sandy and Lo”

“Lorraine” I added.

Hours went by, as we busy lying to one another. That was the whole point though. Then I learnt something from that conversation that we had, because later that night he accompanied me home.

“You know that I know that we just fooling around, but its fun at times.”

Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”

Even though I thought I knew that he knows and hoping that he didn’t, he did, and it didn’t affect our friendship because we all lie about everything at time when things are tough but a little truth wouldn’t have hurt. He also knew how much I loved Charity, he was just being a brother and looking out of her sister but he knew that I would have been the best man for her, but then it wasn’t up to him. We could speak all day about it, but it wasn’t our decision to make, it all lied in the hands of the beautiful Charity. Regardless of her decision, all that I have felt about her, just never ceased to grow, and I at times think this might get ugly in the future; I was not controlling it, or was I? It was happening on its own, the more I tried to ignore her and cut her off my life, the more I wanted more of her. I was just hoping that day, someday, if I don’t get to get over her, maybe perhaps I should get to hold her hand one more time, only this time, ask her to marry me. My thoughts are not to be confused with reality, I stand firm with my two feet on the ground, I am not weakened by mistakes of the past, I just never ever wanted her to be part of the package, although she is not a mistake, she is between the packages that never worked. This is the only reason that sometimes keeps me going back, hoping that someday she’ll try to escape from one of those packages, because the longer she stays there, I don’t know how long it will take me before I close that door and open a new one for myself. It’s easy when you’ve already done it, but harder when one has to make the first step. The truth really impairs one’s soul to think that the one dream you always desired will never happen. What then is a man to do when we are faced with such? But even that will come to pass.

Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?

I had to tell him the rest of the story. Johannesburg, I could hear screams outside, listening to the sounds of cars honking, babies crying, people screaming, as the train passed by at 4 am in the morning, still awake. You never seem to have a peaceful sleep in Joburg, I had being told that one gets used to it.  I heard an irritating sound, yet I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. It continued just when I was about to catch a sleep, as I slowly open my one eye, the glow on my phone was a clear indication that it was my phone ringing. I just pressed any button that my finger was close to and even switched it off.  In that morning 6 am, the hustle continued, more than motivated because I now knew what I was fighting for. It was way beyond than a better life,  Part of me needed that inch of satisfaction that I wanted to live, to be important, to be listened to when I speak, to be part of an important role, to lead, not by a title, but my name to be such. It’s not the world for specifics, individuals.  It’s a world for everyone who wants to be part of it. I had dreams, I had opportunities, although I never intend my world to be that where I chase opportunities when rather I wanted opportunities to chase me, but either way, remember that it has always been my choice and it will forever continue to be run according to where I direct it.  I heard voices saying break out of that fear and go out and do what makes you happy even if I’ll be the first to laugh at you. This is the only chance that we have to make things right and make choices that will best suit our lives, but never ever regret any decision you’ve made thus far,  sometimes when it’s our time to live by these lesson we are unable to.

Chapter 1: traveled to a place of inspiration 

I am now in a middle of a crisis, but really, what crisis? It has passed, and I am still stuck in it and I let it control me, and nobody cares about the past, everyone cares about what you do next. It’s like an interview question when asked of the most difficult task you’ve ever encountered, all they care about is if you had a solution for it, yes there is a solution for every single crisis and it doesn’t matter what is. Remember that moving on is also a solution. The way things may have turned out, I didn’t choose that, but I can choose where to from here.  I cannot walk like this ever again with such a painful thought within my heart, yes it’s painful, and yes it happened, yes I won’t change that, it doesn’t haunt me anymore, it stays there, there’s no letting go of anything, Yes, I knew things would never be the same, but I knew that it’ll be okay. I run back into my own personality to save myself from the harm that might be caused by my own thoughts. I am not going to fight a fight that’s not worth it anymore. I keep trying to put hope where there isn’t any that can hold any promise of any guarantees.  I am done feeling sorry for myself as there’s so much out there than in here. Out there, is a battle, and it’s worth all the fighting.

Next Chapter: Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”

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