Prologue – The Introduction
I was evasive the whole of that day, dependent on a little laughter after laughter. My mind had me blocked from all reality; I wanted to make certain that I was not in no way in close to the truth. However I had to face it at some point, which is why I always wished to have been elsewhere when the news were broken down. One is never ready for the hurtful truths, no one is ever ready to feel any kind of pain – The point of it all was for me to find peace within, no one knew what I was going through. Yes, I was young; vibrant with such promising dreams – The voices in my head, every thought of it all tried to lead me astray. When the news where broken down, I sat there with a spatter of blood, down my throat. I couldn’t breathe probably; I was slowly running out of breath, even that pain wasn’t enough to what I was feeling in my heart. It felt like rain of tears pouring down like those of a bad weather. I kept wondering, why the Lord had abandoned me. My concern at the time wasn’t anything near to a solution; I had suicidal thoughts that I was glad to have been a coward to pursue. Her name had already been called, I could hear as I was listening to the sound of the melody from up above, calling out to be heard – singing it’s time to say goodbye. The morning was gloom and blurred with such ugly news. Who had ever looked in the inside and asked: (How did I get here?). Years and years, passed – but I had tricked my inner self and never thought of facing the consequences later on in life. I had me deceived. I never accepted the inevitable. I denied what life had thrown at me and created my own world – a space of peace – and turned out to be the contrary of what I had me preserved. I tried to make sense of what was happening, I wanted to make sense – but the only sense that my state of mind allowed was that – that suited me. Yes, I was home, on a beautiful Sunday Morning as my Uncle – Ramoshebi, Walked in. I never had ever listened to what he ever had to say after he had smoked marijuana with his friends because then nothing he ever said made any sense. I was reluctantly listening carefully to the words he was about to tell us. My soul wasn’t ready to handle such news, it felt as If I was seeing myself walking down to a dead end, one which was already specified to be, bluntly because everything supposedly happened for a reason.
“NO I REFUSE TO LISTEN!” as I shouted out from the inside – how could’ve known what he wanted to say. Sadly because because the news had already been known by a few more others and only broken down to us a day after. I felt it although I was too young to understand what feeling down felt like. As he said it, those where moments that I barely could even walk out of shock. Stumbling through my inner core of existence – as I wanted to part ways as well. Clearly because, so much had happened with nothing to show – you will soon understand what I am talking about. I tried to hide from nature, but I knew I could never hide from the irrepressible, when the mind knew it all, we all wished the news wouldn’t have been told.
“NO!” I continuously refused; I couldn’t feel my arms, my legs, all were numb, the air I was breathing, slowly became shorter and shorter. I had to calm myself down. I then saw a bit of fabric that I starred at for several minutes and I had thought hours had passed. I didn’t want to believe half of what I was told.
“Here’s some coffee”
The nights were the longest, days were even longer. You never knew what they’d bring. The weather from that moment in time were in accordance with my situation, angered clouds, saddened cold fronts and confused winds blowing with fierce across the place known as Mogopa, a small village situated in Venterdorp, with a few scattered houses and a few closely placed together.
Life sometimes pierces an individual where it hurts the most, it doesn’t ask question nor does it prepare you.
“It is going to be alright, Zack…” The biggest mistake I ever did was to think to myself that I was going to deal with the situation later. I kept on with the avoidance of my own reality as I was looking down the road and the long way that I had traveled, born in the outcast of a place known of its crashed dreams in a bowling shadow of clouds and heavy rains, thunderstorms and the winds blowing from coast to coast. My life, shadowed by deceits and the only hope I had were trees of doubts bearing bitter unhealthy fruits of a battle long lost in the mist of my unconsciousness – Lost soul yet too ambitious to finish any initiative. My whole life – I travelled in an unclear route covered with what ifs and looking back the road I traveled and the journey that’s still ahead. Eyeing at the way I mirrored myself and the actual image, and yet I couldn’t tell the difference. Gazing down dreadful unfortunate circumstances that are supposedly a blessing in disguise, how I dubiously looked when my English Teacher continuously said the phrase. The rain in my life started pouring down, across my soul, through my veins, – I became a walking disaster, feeling, walking and reeked of dynamite. Just in the end, then suddenly all was clattered on the floor just to the edge of uncertainties, a single push and I was dead. The nights and days I would reminisce over torturing good memories, sadly in tears when the smile I had brought so much pain – memories are more painful than actual events. I kept dwelling in and out of a lost anchor and almost gave up on the soulful breathe I was blessed with. I remember the day – when I had thought to myself, I travelled this world too long and yet too short to see the rest because I was ready to go. In my mind, I believed to have been a man that has walked a path in the deepest seas and also searching for the finish line in a lost track. My own image didn’t matter, and neither did my purpose and all that I possess hence all of the blessings received, I simply turned on a blind eye. I became hungry for what a man can’t achieve and so I strongly believed. A phrase I would often say that “merely `a man, can’t appreciate, when all that I saw was `a man o’ disastrous kneeing down and `a man o’ lavish life waiting for disastrous to believeth in Thy Name”, I had to listen to what’s in the inside at some point. Walking down a gore of tears, strangled with tacit fear, looking for a hook of evidence, whenever I’d would go astray, I’d hear the words “for thy choices they make thou shall dwell in the hands of the receiver…” and so I kept an eye on deceitful memories and unseen possibilities, I gave it all I had and still wasn’t enough. At times enough was too much to carry with. I found myself sitting with a permanent scar, because I believed happiness was what made life worth it, worth living and worth waking up in the morning. Unrevealed mysteries, such a pain that makes a man want to call out for help. I never wanted to have a room for disenchantment, because I believed in something else more than I believed in myself, and how hilarious that I still did even years after. “What am I turning into? Where did I go wrong?” The torture had gone extreme, every part of my soul was haunted by ghosts in the mist of thoughts and undesired beautiful memories, and I lay awake in the middle of the night, thinking of ways to battled out wars unknown, but then one had already chosen their own way. “If this is how it feels like to love, if the pain I am feeling is part of it all, I want out…”
That’s what I mostly felt when thoughts kept haunting me in my deepest sleep, the sleep I had wished to not be awakened from, lost in my own kind, having lived only for 14 years and told that the one that carried you in agony for 9 months, is no more, before I ever told her the words “I love you”. The indefinite state of my emotions continued, as I laid my eyes on her for the last time, looking peaceful in a decorated crafted work of art that was still to be hidden in the darkened area when I initiated the act by the first throw of sand from my very own hand. I couldn’t throw enough on my father’s or my sister’s that I never got to meet and that of my half-brother. I still hear the words I brought to myself, “precariously placed in a steady grid of loneliness”, “Doomed in the world of failure”, how I overlooked possibilities when every path is encircled by an experience, intended not to determine your strength but to break through your weakness and make you a better person, but that didn’t mean a thing to me anymore. I felt beat down, spit on, stepped on, faith taken away from me, no one bit of hope was left. I was left in the empty world full of hatred, where dark clouds were upon an innocent soul, the pain was unbearable. I cried until my tears dried out, I could feel the misery, and nothing seemed to be working out. I felt abandoned by my own people and there was no hope of survival. “What is it that I have done that I got it so wrong to deserve such wretchedness?” I asked. It felt hard to lift my head and look up to someone. My life was showered by the past, the past I never wanted to forget. The past I never wanted to let go. How unfortunate that it caught up with me. I lived my past and destroyed myself even further because I believed that my past is exactly what my future held, with such anger and stones crawling towards me, the darkness I tried to overcome with such storms of lightning, but didn’t last long, the darkness grew even darker, I couldn’t believe that I have seen the end of a life that I still had to live, and yet I crawled into and knelt to the one that had already abandoned me, and those were the lies and deceitful thoughts in knowing but yet convinced myself that It was all true. The road and the path I took and the life I imagined, the life that I am living now, could it be any different? Just when reality had stricken just after relocating to my aunt’s place, because of the aforementioned, well, it had already begun…
Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
- CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”
- CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
- Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”
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