CHAPTER 16 – Emotions Evoked
“I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
For the mere fact that I could still walk gave me hope, even though it rained heavier as each day passed, I knew that no matter how long it may take there will be a sunny day. It may have been too sunny to walk on the light; I knew it was not yet my shine. If I would wake up sleeping in the streets, that too would still give me hope, and I would still know that the foundation of the bridge I want to build has already been started. I don’t want go high above the skies because I won’t see anyone that have nurtured me to be able to go that high, and I know if I were to fall, no one would catch me, and I’ll fall hard. The same feeling that may have been evoked by a set of hilarious laughs, I instantly thought of how the end would be. A second with an inch passes by to a minute, an hour, a day, a week, a month, a year and a decade, and then that it hits you that time has really passed you by. My first decade, I was a little boy, looking forward to life, with so much dreams and goals that I wanted to achieve. Every morning was started on with a smile, nothing worried me, and life was just as beautiful as a sunrise. Daily, was lived like there was no tomorrow. My second decade, as I grew wiser, on my way up to finish of my second decade, I lost my pillar of strength. I believe that’s when everything changed drastically. I had no longer see things the way I use to.
On my third decade, on my half way there, I made decision and that was only when I started loving myself and chose the person I wanted to be. I cared; I loved, yet in return there wasn’t enough left for me. I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well. I grew stronger, people may have felt neglected, and I was in a journey to discover myself. I walked away from my world, stopped calling, stopped texting, I never showed how I cared or loved, all that was left, was the man in the mirror. I took a minute or two each day as it gradually grew even longer and stronger. It made me realize how much I had neglected myself and that my life was all just a wreck, hiding behind the good I did for a person and the love I gave away, when it should’ve started with me. Too many people looked at me like I was a bad guy, but I needed change, because I wasn’t comfortable with who I had become, the life style, clothes I wore, the bed I slept on, the way I was looked at, they saw what I had given out, as it was out in the open. People I cared about that I thought they’d care for me too, seemed more to be comfortable, and just merely accommodated me and thought perhaps that’s who I was, only my best friend at the time, Thato, knew better.
It seemed each year I grew an inch shorter, which prevented me to see what was behind the walls. I wanted too much where not even a little was offered. Growing up made me realize that everything that you mostly want in this poor cruel earthly nature, you have to work hard for it. I wasted most of my time hoping, although hope is very essential but of no use if you not taking any steps. I wasted my time hoping for a miracle, I still believe in miracles. Although they shall find me on my way up, I know I said it before but I am going to saying it again, that everything needs to be met half way. I was in awe, when I sat alone for moment thinking about my life and where I wanted to be. I am still in awe that I may have been so blind, in such a clearer path. I look a lot at a lot of friends I knew, and some of which I grew up with. They have grown and truly matured, but then look at me, I know you aren’t supposed to compare one’s life with another but, I am giving you permission to, for inspiration, for you to wake up from a dreadful nightmare. They are not any different from you, yes I did convince myself, they worked harder and harder to achieve their goals and be the best as they can be. Isn’t that what we all want? I was still stuck and trapped in a 14 year old body of a boy who has been through some things, for how long? Time has yet again passed me by, and yes, I would still use it as an excuse if things didn’t work out as planned.
The moments in life, that’s when life hits harder, you look back and find that one particular corner where you were stuck before and stay there, who knows for how long, yet I do realize that some things are just meant not to work out. You will only be helped in life when you help yourself, and there’s a scripture in the Good Book of that sort. I believe God will only and only help you when you help yourself; even miracles have to be met half way, I said it again. The truth is biter and makes you want to curse, hurt yourself, punch someone, at the end of it all you’ll have to face it.
Limitless effort is required to move in within your thoughts and rearrange your way of thinking, and face what’s in the open just like as it is. Let’s call a spade a spade, no need to smoother it, it will remain as it is, it’s our time we wasting because you will get back to it, if you leave it unturned. It might not be easy, clichéd or perhaps easier said, but sometimes it takes only you to stand, and take that one single step and everything else will follow. Take a look yet again, if you would tick everything that you wanted to achieve in life, how many would you mark, I see zilch, perhaps a few but you haven’t got to a point where you want to be. The fight never ceases.
I remember one afternoon just me in a park, looking at people walking up and down, some relaxed with their loved ones. I envied how they were all in love, snuggling and having so much fun. That never stopped me to cease thinking about all that I really wanted to achieve. Perhaps if I had a reason I would stand and take a step forward. I looked deeply into this situation, I seemed to have put making people proud my first priority. See, then I realize that, I may have wanted to please people than anything else, why is it that we care so much about what people think about us, about our lives and what we want to achieve, when all that matters should be about you and making your life work, and it has become so oblivious that we don’t even realize that we doing it.
“Zack, why do you want to achieve this so much…?”
I felt the end part of the question echoing in my mind, I then realized that I may have wanted to have a clearer reason, something that will make me want to wake up at 2AM in the morning and start working. It is so unfortunate that we fight to live and we live to fight for a better life. It doesn’t matter how my life was, it is a fact that I want better, better than what used to be. It may have applied in everything that one lost, even though that some of the things that I have lost are irreplaceable. The idea was to cure myself and just be.
Ever been in a fight so long that you forgot what you were fighting for? It came to my attention asking myself that if it has been so long that you needed to be reminded of the battle you fighting that you probably have already lost, was it really worth it anymore. Yes, we do get stuck in a lost battle, which sometimes I feel we are afraid of change, afraid of a new challenge, afraid to start over. The time had yet passed me by again. Life can never be as easy as it seemed when one was on his first decade, yet if we can learn to live like that for a life time, imagine how much we can achieve. There is no such thing has a new you, or an old you, you are as you were born, and you will remain. My High School Principal, Mr Makhutle had always told me that we are born fisted, I believed it’s because you are born a fighter and he had said it’s because within its all talents you possess. I never for a second believed that a better pay cheque will make me happier. Although it is what I strive for each morning, and its called living, when all that we need is love. You might disagree, but I promise you, without any love of some sort, all that materialistic things you have, don’t mean a thing if you don’t have anyone to share them with, that even without them it wouldn’t make a difference. Before the next person, it had to start with me. Sometimes, just once in a while, I wanted to be selfish and let it all be about me, if not now, then when is it ever going to be about me?
If nobody appreciates you, make them. This life truly is unpredictable, you never know if the next day will be any better if the worst doesn’t happen. We wait and hope with so much faith that it shall arrive and wake up to do what one is designed to, or waste another precious day that might be your last.
…The truth? Yeah bitter, but has to be told.
I have been miserably all my life; it’s time to shake me awake off all that misery and face up to the truth. My past has now worn out; yes it marks a great reminder. One I can never forget, and no one is asking me to, but we all deserve better. As my mother use to say, that I can never save the world but I can always choose to make a difference, It reminds me of my early days of relocation, when one my “friends” visited, when we were dished up, it had never occurred to me that I should share with him, and it’s human for that to come naturally, but it felt at that moment that I was losing my humanity. I didn’t even care much, I never wanted to listen but I wanted to be heard and yet I wasn’t saying anything. My aunt tend to look at me and possibly wonder what was going on within my head when I myself didn’t even understand one bit of what was going on with me. I believed at age 14, I knew all that needed to be known, yet every day of my life there would be one or two things that I would learn, some of which I could’ve just thought of myself, made me realize that, even though we are cruel to one another, we still need each other. We might fight all night but in the morning, we almost have to hold hands just so we can survive the day. I believe it’s a human thing, not complex, but rather a way that God had created us to be. We will fall with the nights and we’ll rise with the Mornings.
“I am here now, young and fearless”
Those were the words I had in my mind, because I knew it was never the end, when it in fact was the beginning of a life, re-born from a life of turmoil, re-born from a life of abundance, neglect and all unhealed wounds. I sacrificed the dark worlds with my hard work and dedication, yet I am still in touch with my inner emotions. I tear up when I look back yet with a smile to think that I almost gave up on the one thing I was left with, and that’s life, but I also had Gloria, and she was never going to make it any easier for me. I realized that my journey to Johannesburg was the beginning not for me to forget where I am from, but to face up with how life is and possibly try to draw myself into a better person. I never wanted to ingest in the past but rather live for the best. Giving up, had to be my last resort. Look how beautiful the sun rise is, to think that I wouldn’t enjoy the beauty of nature because of what was and probably never ever will be. I deserted that thought. I only realized how powerful a thought can be, that it actually takes over and before you know it, you are literally bossed by your own thoughts. The moment you realize it’ll be too late. However, I have a forgiving heart; I was able to forgive my past, yes, I forgiven my past for doing me wrong when all I needed was to be treated right. I tend to believe that the most dangerous heart is the vulnerable one with a wound that still needs some healing, yet I tend to find an opportunity in the worst places as I actually used my wounded heart to look at the positive sight, trying to seek for that one single spark of a shining light. I too walked my own, and I know that the walk will continue with or without me.
This draws me back to the hands that might never get to hold me, Charity, the beautiful and most sensational, super being that for some reason, my heart can never cease to love. I cannot explain what beats my heart to explain, it is as it is and I should just accept it. I tend to pretend not to care, not to love, but my heart will always yean back to her. I am now walking a path, a difficult love life, that every single lady I see within their eyes is the girl that my heart yelled and yields so much space to accommodate her, but with so much that I have done, there was no chance for me to do anything more than what I had already done. Maybe she still has her pride, and she turns to be the first lady that I actually liked, loved, adored, and in my minds was the wildest dreams of me and her, and still is. She had seen what was within that I neglected, something I never cared for, loved and respected, and that’s me. She herself sensed it in a way, I knew it in my heart that she loves me too, she cared deeply, and she had admitted once or twice but my lack of loving me more and appreciating me really put a low profile score, so I call it. Every morning, I prayed for her, she was the closest I knew. I knew that this feeling was to last a life time and never regretted it. Things along the way would work out at least now that I am awake and I see everything clearer and clearer every day. My hopes and dreams never changed, they remain as they’ve always been. I see them coming in and walking out, each day, but Charity will remain. It’s not about finding a replacement, and if one would walk into my life thinking they are going to replace her, they really have another thing coming.
“I have been distant lately, not because I have neglected you or perhaps you think I love you any less, the more I distance myself from you, the more my heart cries out your name in tears because all that my heart can accommodate is you”
This was the last message she received, she’s very stubborn, and I wasn’t expecting any respond, then I knew that we were back in our old habits. I was the chaser and she was the target playing her silly games, but it was better that way. I had figured out a lot of things that needed to be changed, things that I need to do for myself, I chose to wake up in the morning and live. I had so much to achieve, part of which she remained a part of. I see myself as a winner, the kind that can achieve more than I deserve, and I only see it now that we all have that within us and all we have to do is wake up. You can wake up from a lot of things. That nightmare you never seem to stop dreaming. You can wake up from that miserable life. You can wake up from the past and look forward to the future. Let what you have now, motivates you to get you even further, and if you have nothing, let your greatest achievement fill that space. We all have too many holes that needs filling. We all have an empty book to start writing a way forward of our lives, we have places we want to visit, dreamed to live at, and mostly we have a life to live. All that you ever dreamt about ever since you were a kid, now you old enough to get out there and make it a reality and nobody can stop you but you.
The mornings now are the brightest, because I chose them to be and that’s how I would prefer my mornings to be. I start my day with a cup of coffee and a smile on my face. Have I figured out my purpose in life? I don’t know that yet, but this feels great that everything seems flushed away and all that is, is a life filled with so much happiness. I believed from years back that happiness is a choice and it’s only that when I have chosen it, things starts to unfold. I pretended for a while, you know the saying, fake it until you make it, well, it worked pretty well and yes I listen to critics, they are the most amazing people out there. The journey continues and will end when my life ends, until then I will do just what one was born to, work hard, be a provider, make a difference, and take each day as it comes. You know that facing life was the most difficult thing to do, but not anymore, life now is easier when faced, it only fights back when ignored. So as each day passes, I shall live mine like I know for a fact that tomorrow, tomorrow might be a day no more.
…The truth? Yeah bitter, but it must be told, and the truth is your life lies with you hence on, it is what you do with it next that matters, I have lived mine to see the rest before the end, and it has just promised the end as I predicted as a Child