CHAPTER 9 – Emotions Evoked
“At peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me”
It occurred to me that I may have stepped over just a little bit over the edge. I went around the back, knocked one time, with the intention not to be heard, and for my conscious satisfaction. An enigma I’ve become, a lot of conspiracy and shenanigans at the central pool of my own Machiavellian thoughts. Gloria Velsey, The woman in a dream, white, thin, Beautiful, short with long black hair, my woman, my creation.
“Are we going to be okay?” she asked with curiosity, because I have been distant lately.
“I think so my dear why do you ask?” I replied with a question, even though I knew where this was headed. I looked around, and suddenly realize that we were in the middle of a forest, as I could hear uncanny sounds of animal noises, sitting beside the fire that she made. I was lying on her lap. She looked at me with her remarkable blue eyes.
“What have you been up to lately”, she asked.
“Well, I have finally found my way around the back door and yet it was still locked”, I replied. Slowly but surely pictures of all the blurry events that had happened, started to be clearer and clearer.
“…and what did you do?” she asked. My mind started to come into sense; I chuckled as if I wanted to shed a tear.
“I broke in”, we chuckled together.
“Tell me all about it” she said, even though my mind wasn’t in a state to talk about any of it at all, it had to be said. It seemed as if it was getting darker and darker. I looked at her; her smile was just an amazement to break my fear of thought of what could be in the dark. I started telling her all about it,
“Well, remember, Elizabeth, Charity, Ellah and Martha?” I asked.
“Of course the women that you happened to have loved and never got a lifetime chance with neither of them”, She said.
“Yeah, I was thinking about it a lot lately and I just think it’s unfair that I …”, Then I suddenly I heard her saying my name, it was weird because the whole picture started fading.
“…ZACK!!” She shouted. I looked dubious,
“ZACK!!!” then suddenly I woke up, and it happened to have been my aunt screaming and shouting, “Get up right now”, I got up frustrated that I couldn’t even get to the sex part. Yet I remembered the dream, for years. I realized that I have been searching and looking for ways to swing right into my life, love and romance. It made me undergo desperation, forgot what I was in it for, I became lustful, that when I was in it, I called it love. A woman that I gazed for was not of the ordinary from what I had experienced. Dignified woman, with a dignified stature as she stands everyone listens. A woman that’s not full-of-herself and doesn’t think she’s more superior to others. A woman pronounced as my own, never ashamed to shout out from the top of an Eiffel Tower that she’s all mine, and naughty in our own private space. I went back into bed, it’s a Saturday Morning in winter, I just pretended to be getting off bed when I tossed and turned… then I fell asleep, struggled to go back to my dream.
“You…?” She asked. I swayed myself right back into my own dream.
“Oh, I just don’t know if I’d ever find the one thing that I am looking for”, I said. I felt the chilly winds blowing from side to side. I took off my Jacket for her to wear, and yet she still kept me warm.
“Interesting, what are you looking for?” She asked. That’s the question that I never thought I’d ever be asked by a woman. I’ve never known how to begin to answer the question. What are you looking for; sounded like one has to sell themselves, like in a political campaign or an interview. I knew that moment that whatever I say, it also in return says a lot about me. So now I am now hesitant, I am shivering, there’s absolutely no way to avoid the question, and I cannot make up any answers. Just have to be honest, after a long pause…
“Oh Gloria, Someone with a heart and Soul, Someone to have a good laugh with, The one I want to talk everything and anything, have stupid fights and then kiss her on her forehead and pull her towards me as I apologize one more time, The one to hurt me and still feel emotionally involved even when the affection becomes a mystery”. I said with such affection and passion. She looked at me with curiosity,
“So you looking for someone like me?” She asked. I looked at her and just smiled, as we continued to enjoy the fire, and fell asleep right in the middle of it all,
“…Zack!!” My aunt shouted, this time I was ready to get up and get ready for my daily chores, I felt at peace with my soul, the only sentiment that’s left of me.
I knew that there was still a long journey for me to travel, and I was ready to get into all that beguiled me closer to my romance desires, and all that my emotions were yearning for. The heart was yet ready to tackle issues of the mind, and that of the observation. The only time I would regret anything would be the day I miss an opportunity to get my hands on my assigned challenges. Love, lies, romance, lust, it’s a journey we face, a journey most failed, yet a journey intended to be accomplished by the heart that truly understands matters of the hearts. Be right, be wrong, acknowledge your own imperfections, and let the love with the weakened heart take over and let the mind be wiser. It’s the soothing moments of truth that gets us getting further in life.
Gloria is now in my head constantly, from a dream to imaginary, to a friend, to a lover, a mother, an adviser and I loved spending time with her.
“When dreams and goals are on hold, life continues” I said.
“Isn’t it something” she said.
It started during darkened days, when there was no hope for me. It felt like I am stuck, like I am in no position to plug any sort of courage to stand firm, funny that I had no choice, although my heart had already reached a state of hopelessness, meaningless, a senseless meaning of lack of living. A sudden thrush to a wrong direction, everything I’ve ever hoped for sank leisurely and seemed as though my life was coming to an end. I could never tell if I’d ever make it, the question was, did that even matter? My mind had me manifest in the impossibilities. My mornings, doomed, had my eyes blinded from the beauty of nature, the sunset and sunrise became one of the same.
“Oh Gloria” I sighed.
…and for me that was enough, she understood me better. Yet, this purged me deeper.
…Dejection, my closes suicide note, yet, not enough to push me to the edge. Pierced within and was too much to deal with. If the end was ever near it would have started with me, slumped with too much too soon, so I thought. I cried out for help from the departed, concurrently called out for Heavens to open doors if thy purpose is served.
“Would I be recognized if I passed you by, would I be seen if I spoke out in middle of a crowd, would you still remember my name, if I said hello?” I asked.
“I know I would” She smiled.
The walls I had to walk through, how does one walk through a wall? Impossible it seemed, It’s opaque, not even light can pass through, a challenge of life that saddened me, be your own man, and travel through all sorts of spaces seeking for a stable place. I was trying the impossible; clearly you can’t walk through the wall I had to find a way to break it. It’s funny that every wall was followed by another. It seemed more like it’s a way of life and its one part that I didn’t understand.
“My life, an exaggeration of poverty” I said.
“That’s an understatement!” She Giggled.
I laughed, not because I was trying to ease the pain, but because I knew it’ll put me at ease. I began to fear for the results of chances I had to risk. Although in my mind I knew the challenges and risks are worth it. I sat there for hours on my own. Looking deeply instead of focusing on what’s on the surface. My mind, went on to dwell even deeper, breaking every wall within that can ever stop me from thinking. The kind thinking that got me into a state of turmoil.
“No Zack!” she shouted.
“It’s only a thought Gloria, just a thought, you know, curiosity”
I looked into the purpose, the purpose of life. I figured maybe if I have a specific purpose to serve then my mind should be the master of guidance, created in a manner that it will have to drive me towards that. I chose to believe that whatever dreams and hopes that resonate within one’s heart are our purpose in life. Yet, I would dearly hate to work hard on what makes me happy and find out later that, it’s not really what’s meant for me. The reason I believe that if it makes you happy, dearly joyous, then it’s worth it and should be equivalent to your purpose in life, yet I still stand to be corrected.
“Makes sense though” She said.
Whenever things don’t go your way, makes you think, wonder, and we tend to fail to try again. I cannot recall the number of times I failed to try again. I knew the correct thing to do. I know life doesn’t want to be defined, but some things are common sense. And yes it’s the common sense we run away from. I never feared to start over, because it felt like I’ve been stuck in the bottom.
“Gloria?” I called.
“Yes?” she responded.
“Is making it that hard though?”
I called it the mysteries of the mind. Felt like I was pushed against the wall, as I cuddled up in a ball.
“Please don’t hit me” A scream of a helpless child. The burden carried when life happens doesn’t turn out to be what the mind expects; it takes its own turn, making it seem impossible to make it through.
“Oh making it is the easiest part, the way to, is just up to you” She said.
I sat there for hours, reminiscing about my childhood, how I rushed into growing up, thinking perhaps if I could turn back the time, yet I knew I would then have to relive the same life and that I have come too far. Sometimes I look in the eyes of others, I wonder of the hardships they’ve went through in life. Shaking my head in misbelieve, I then sank through my own thoughts, I decided to maintain a positive thought, focus on what’s important, figured if one is guaranteed death, let me guarantee myself success. Let me walk tall, be seen, be heard, take risks, the only sleepless night should be those of hard work towards a better life. Spare me the time to be miserable and sit here hurting, there’ll be plenty of time for that. For now though, can I work on my success? It may have come to a point I realized, some things in life are not worth it. Through all that one has been through, what’s the use to throw more trouble on top of the hardship that you went through?
“You worry too much boo” She said.
“Don’t let it” she added.
“Let it?” I asked.
“Yeah, don’t let it.” She said.
“You right. I shall not let it. It might not have a clear definition, but I will define mine. My life will be defined by myself. I will walk this walk; make change through this walk, save lives through this walk. Encourage the young to walk with me, purify my soul through this walk. Discover my own destiny that I may have not yet have a clear vision of. I will conquer the world; fight the fight to win the victory. My achievements are that of my own sweat and blood. I shall make it. Believe in me, I will call up to Him. Watch me walk through change, watch me do the good deeds, but I shall not be seen with a perfect eye. I am far from it, but the life should be worth it as it is precious.” I said joyously,
She smiled, and I always known that within everyone there’s that inner person, a very determined person, the person that wants to make and be successful in life. Help that person, wake them up. Eventually I looked into the mirror and I saw that person. If you look closely you’ll see that person too. I know it still a long way to go, so many mountains to climb, once you get to the peak, see what’s down there? It’s all yours. Although for me a life without a mother, this world separates you from life, everything else seem beyond your reach. No matter how hard you try to not think about it, every Mother’s day is a reminder, every family day, Christmas day, cold days, stormy days, each day is a reminder that you are now on your own to try and make this work for yourself.