CHAPTER 7 – EMOTIONS EVOKED
The strength through my heart that drew from within, implicitly content, the beauty of understanding a way to challenge the inner perspective, drawing out every single means of what makes me the man that I am. I lose myself when I am in a space that can only be understood by me. The drive it took to finally get to the greener side. I acquired my souvenir and that for me was love, my Achilles hill, my strength, the one fad that got me intact. How it got me engrossed to the people I got attached to, from friendship to any relations although I valued friendships more than anything else; even if I had been told that they aren’t there forever. I was obsessed over love in all of its kind. Falling in love made me feel at ease, looking into someone’s eyes – and declaring my love for them, gave me so much joy, when at this point I had come to terms with and rejection was a least of my worries, although it really did hurt when I, Friday afternoon, approached a lady that made me feel like myself whenever I was with her, she was the first lady that when I looked into her eyes, cleared my blue skies, I could feel my teary eyes, each moment I fell deeper and deeper. All of my wounded hearts were instantly healed, feels as though nothing else mattered because it really didn’t. I could weep, for the joy within my heart is over whelming. When I felt that way, words couldn’t come easier; I wouldn’t say she made me speechless, no, she was the very first woman that made me say the words “I love you” with meaning that I still can’t describe to this day. I don’t know what that is but who cares, I feel it now, yet I can’t say the words because she has a wounded heart and the two of the same kind may feel hesitant. It felt genuine when I held her hand for the first time, when I looked into her eyes and said,
“The kind of love I have cannot be defined by no man, It goes deep beyond any imagination, the kind of love that can only be defined by God, the love so strong created to be shared with one soul, the soul I believe I have found, the kind of love I have speaks so loud without words, the kind of love that shakes the universe, burns fiercely seeking for my other rib, out of many that I found don’t seem to fit, and yet here you are, I have finally found you”.
She looked astounded, and the rush through my heart was just mysteries of the greatest feeling, I was so much happy I wish I knew the course yet I knew it was just before my eyes. The feeling goes to the depth of my soul like I am a butterfly in a shiny day, I feel like the world is a better place for everyone, like life’s the greatest adventure, when at times I felt like I don’t need a woman to complete me, boy was I so wrong! when I remembered that God took my rib to create a woman. I felt the joy within my heart, so happy like I just met Jesus, I felt like I can just claim Heavens and shout “Hallelujah”. How I wish it could stay permanently. In this point in time I could smile to all sorts of situations, for the first time I really was happy.
“I am sorry Zack, I am just not so into you”
I couldn’t understand. That moment in life, one moment, when tears doesn’t matter anymore, when you feel so crushed, that moment when you ask questions and you feel so abandoned, when life seems more like a rollercoaster, one moment I have so much dreams for us, and the other I have nothing left. The soul and the air I breath is just a clicking clock, just waiting for it to stop, when loving someone is too much to bear, knowing that all hopes and dreams that you had meant nothing, one moment in life when you ask yourself a question “God, why is this happening to me” I have been fighting a lost battle, the love that I had, I don’t want it anymore, this life, I feel so cold, the inside is dead, the outside is just a matter of time, I wish I could be strong for her, when I thought my purpose was to take care of her.
“Now my dreams are all shuttered! Because you were my dream, you were the soul that I breathe, the only light that brightened away my misery. It’s funny how much I still adore and love you. It’s funny how I feel the need to hold your hand, funny how life proved me wrong when I thought I was right all this time, looking back with teary eyes when you realize the tears you cry will never do any good, I love you so much, this is too hard for me, and I know it’s too hard for the one’s closest to you. I had a dream and that dream was to make sure that I keep safe away from bad decisions that will affect me in the future, and it’s too late for me, too late for us.”
“I still love you no matter what, I still do, this path you’ve choose is too much for me and I hope you’ll come to your senses” I said and walked away. I figured that’s what happens when you grow to know and understand someone that you’ve instantly fallen in love with. When you fall deeper and deeper, before you know it, it has become an obsession, but I didn’t feel like I was but I knew that it was between those lines. It started off with letters to her.
#1: “I remember how I needed you desperately, when I told you I loved you, you laughed at me, I walked away with a sad face and hoping someday you’ll understand the emotions I go through just by thinking about your smile and your touch, how I needed you Charity, So many things I wanted to tell you, I know you just never wanted to hear one single part of it. I knew you were never going to be mine, but that didn’t stop me to be the best friend you needed; I cared too much to just let you slip you away. The hurt you put me through, the break-ups and make-ups, all of the pain and misery, sleepless nights, all of the dreams you made me throw away, tears I cried, in the mist of all that, I do love you, still…”
Yet there were no make ups and breaks ups, I was in a position where I had already thought we were dating, part of me was clearly and pretty much aware of what I was doing, of all we know. It is not exaggerated, throughout the event we were just calm, I had even told her that she is the one for me and I am the one for her. I just couldn’t stop myself from writing.
#2: “I have been a fool for love, thinking I needed someone by my side to feel complete – but then what’s the use if you are here with me and still not happy. So If I lose you now, it would still feel the same, I have travelled every corner of this feeling, and I know it hurts to hold on to someone you “hope” they’ll feel the same about you. I only feel so strongly in love with you because it’s part of me, part of who I am. Love is the only emotion that’s able to break or make me. I know I have so much love in me, and I am not asking you to love me, I won’t even talk you or convince you to love me, It isn’t there. . . I don’t want you to learn how to love me, I wanted it to just come naturally and love me for who I am. I am seeing it many times and it hurts even more when my heart falls for someone who doesn’t feel the same, because in their hearts it’s just not there, so clearly they don’t know one bit of how you feeling. I never want to depend on you for my happiness . . . Love is not about to be taken for granted especially for a man like me. .. I still feel like I need you.”
The second letter was too personal, it was truly how I felt, but she never responded to any of my messages. I was still on my 17’s and 18’s trying to woo her heart. I just kept going until to a point that it didn’t matter anymore, I never stopped going.
#3: “Like a mirage, the closer I try to get to you, the further I push you away, I’ve looked for you all my life and now that I have found and still can’t have you, breaks every inch of my heart apart, how to cease the heart when I made a promise to it, Just a thought of you being gone before I even had you, where did I go wrong. Is it because I lost mama and papa that I am this emotional, or Is it the loss of my Sis, and half-brother, or Is it the miserable life I am going through,’ or is it that I can’t find love on every corner of the streets, or is it all that, Is it because I am not as loved as I thought I am, Is it the lies I keep telling myself, why do I take love so seriously, why am so attached to the one thing I can’t have, what is this path that has been chosen for me. I see myself teasing my brother and sister, and mama telling me to stop it, when papa is watching the game all lost in a memory and lost throughout. What is this love that I am looking for, that`s so hard to find. What I am going through at this very moment is unbearable,”
At this point in time, I was numb, and lost out of words. I just wanted to give up as it was known that 5 years later I was still feeling the same way about her. I heard a voice from a distance saying that deep inside me, there’s a child, a child that’s waiting for the right moment to emerge, a child with so much faith, hopes and dreams, don’t let anything take away the faith in you, you are designed for a special purpose, you are designed to survive, to overcome anything, and achieve anything you set your mind to, it will be ok, just don’t keep that child too long. The smile struck me hard on my face, contagious with enthusiasm. I am sitting there all by myself as I take a walk down the memory lane. Flying back to where it all began. Out of all the possible dreams in the world mine was to spend the remaining of my life with her, I wish I had told her that I am dying, any day now. And with her away, she was just are making it easier, but I knew it was just devious thoughts pulling me away further from reality. “If you ever come back running back to me, I’ll be already singing with angels, I wish I had told you sooner.” Longing for love in all that I can see, so concerned about tomorrow when all that we have left is Today, yet I am still trying to fix Yesterday. Looking out the window, thinking about her, and how we’ve been distant lately, funny that I hardly know if I’ll ever get a chance to do things with her, to make memories and build our own little empire. Just in a blink, I wished for better days, our existence together seem apart, not to add too much into it but, I hoped she had a good day the other day and I sure hoped she’d have a great day on the presence. If anybody asked, I begged them to tell her that I still adore her. Love was all that I needed, nobody told me that my journey in all sorts, will be a tussle to tackle. I meant more to me than anything else. The dream I knew, I knew that if I had found it, I was never going to let it go. Yet I knew for a fact that this is all God’s work, that one day I will understand.
I know that this will teach me how to appreciate love when one has found it. Young, wild and free, yet was trying to understand the depth of love, digging deeper beyond my ability, waiting for something to come, something precious, I rushed, I wanted to force love into a heart that isn’t meant to love me, desperate to fall in love, to have someone to call my own. Today, she still is the best friend I needed, loved and cherished whole heartedly. I had thought I finally found someone but I lied to myself, I believed and yet how I felt was real. I still look deeply into one’s heart, crying from within, asking myself too many questions to answer. Seems the only thing I know is the same thing that wags me chaotic. The words I kept telling myself numerously, thrown back in a designated area for all of the uneasy hearts, pile of thoughts in a mist of unanswered questions. Trying to figure out a way forward from this dreadful mess I’ve cost for myself. It may seem as if I was looking for commitment in my early stage, yet I still couldn’t define it, but I knew all about it. Love seems to have knocked me too many times down than to warm me up when weathers were cold. I battled out a fight, a fight that I was fighting alone; I needed a shoulder to cry on. I skipped a sequence and fell into a hole, troubled by my own doings.
“I have no idea why I feel the way… the way I feel about you, but I thought we were soul mates, Yet I am still in love with you, but I can understand that perhaps you don’t feel me as much as I feel you, I still need you as a friend, because regardless of what had happened, you just complete me.”
I said this wavering, because it came from the heart.
“It’s okay, I understand.”
She smiled, we hugged. Sitting down in a crowded place and yet I couldn’t be seen. I stayed there for hours, reminiscing about the events that had happened in my heart. Invisible in a sunny day, no matter how I screamed nobody could hear me, although everyone else was hushed, led on right into the dark.