CHAPTER 15 – Emotions Evoked
“My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”
Before my mother’s passing I moved on very quickly from that chapter, it felt more embarrassing for me. Reminding me of a girl that I had been sleeping at her home, when my mother would let me sleep there, that one day she had accused me of raping her. We were both 11, we didn’t know what we were doing but at some point if felt well, she had agreed and there was no penetration whatsoever. Remembering days yet blurry pictures when I was naked with my crush in some room, and I remember trying to penetrate her, yet it never happened or that of my neighbor, when she really wanted to be penetrated but I yet again I failed to. When I flash back, in a stream of confused thoughts, some sort by far a word that can describe molestation is thus the only word that can describe a night with my neighbor, he was drunk, and he invited me over. I didn’t tell anyone about it and will never if I was going be asked about it, I never even confessed this to my best friend, after an exposure of his genitals to me, I escaped, although he had me to a point when I remember that he pulled my hands over his crotch. I ran, and even though I laughed about it, it haunted me for a few months until I grew old to understand what was going on. I heard rumors that he had died. Some things are better left untold. Remembering when I was a very naughty boy because of the friends I chose to hang around. I believe every kid has been naughty at some point, like that when I had my first fight and almost bleed to death when I had only figured it was a mere nose bleeding from the hiding I got, or that when I first approached a girl that I liked and she told me to go bath because I am too dirty to be with her, perhaps that when I was accused of inserting broken card on a public phone, or when I stole R10 in the 90’s, when I would be able to buy bread, two litters of paraffin and half a dozen of eggs and still be left with some change or when my friends asked me to steal peaches from my own home, perhaps when I broke into a house to steal some money, that was a bit extreme, you look back into these things, you realize that friends you choose, can somewhat make you do things that you’d never think of doing.
I remember back in 1998, when we stole peaches at some other place, because they were just hanging outside, from the fence, I came up with the silliest idea to walk from home to where my mother was staying with her boyfriend. It was a very long walk about 30 Kilometers and yes we did, but they were very tired that they decided to go back, and I just continued walking. When I got there, I just found out that she had gone back home. She went crazy looking for me that she almost reported me missing, until someone made a call of my whereabouts.
Remembering how funny that when you grow up with a lot of different friends with different personalities. That’s when I was about 9, I said my first curse word, because I was really pissed, and everyone else was surprised. I remember pointing out and said “Yes I said it”. Although I found it weird to think that my mom cursed like nobody’s business and yet when I did, everyone was suddenly acting all shocked.
I remember how my mother would dress me like a girl, for some reason I didn’t find it weird. As well as ladies underpants, thinking about it now make me want to ask her just “Mother, what were you doing though”, I would dress like that on “casual day” at school. I remember I was teased but I was actually fine with it. I remember that entire crazy make up, and my very first and only bicycle I had, back then it seemed normal, but I remember it was pink in color and it was a tricycle.
I remember how much my mother would love to exaggerate on everything and every truth had to have some added details, and for some reason I had to remember all the events I never attended.
“Yea and it was fun, fun, fun. Fun, tell them baby”‘
I am sitting there looking like an idiot, I am thinking to myself, okay, what do I say, and what do I say.
“Aaah Yes it was…. fun!”
…and I could see that they didn’t buy it at all, but I didn’t even care, and I knew my mother very well, like no other. Just, I wish sometimes that I could have just one more conversation with her. I remember the one time when she made me drink alcohol; I was about 6, “my mother though”. She made me drink the whole cup, a minute later, I didn’t know what was going on with me, well I was drunk but I didn’t know by then. I remember crying, and all she said was, “oh my baby is drunk”, she forced me to sleep, from then, I don’t even remember the next morning.
One thing that pained me to the core was in 1997’s New Year. When everyone celebrated with fireworks, my mother was sleeping, it was dark, we had no electricity, I went out, and everyone was having so much fun with their families and celebrating, I felt unwelcome. I went back home, cuddled with my mother, and said “Happy New Year Mom”. I knew she was crying that she couldn’t afford to buy me just a single bunch of fireworks, but I understood and it was OK.