CHAPTER 14 – Emotions Evoked
“Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
Defining one’s self isn’t as easy as it may appear in the mirror; the shed tears may discourage the true nature of what’s right before and seen as real. Despite what my whole life may have shown the other reflection, I know better. I am now all and above, content with what’s within.
Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
It’s dark, in middle of the road, going back home, and the spirits of all evil coming in a stream to take away the only thing I have in life that I may want to live for. I was drunk for the first time.
“You are not going to make it, Zack, why suffer if you can end this”
The picture I had in my mind was seeing me in a dark room and I was all by myself trying to figure out what might happen if I pulled a trigger. My mind is blown out of proportion; my thoughts are now in control of every thought that might cross my mind. All negative thoughts seen as a reflection of the positive. I believed what was never there yet a reflection of my past convinced me otherwise.
“Pull that trigger” whispered a voice.
I thought I was in a room but now it feels like I am somewhere in the middle of nowhere, the same place that I had found myself, I could hear a owl, hooting. I am in desperate need to end it and possibly never ever hear about it.
“Pull that trigger” The voice continued.
I started to cry, a man’s tears like those of a woman, weakened by all life’s threats. I am in need of a persuasive scripture to save me from my thoughts, just when I thought it was dark, it got even darker, and darker, and darker, then suddenly a flash of light from the mysterious fire started burning, and I knelt in front of it.
“Pull that trigger”
Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger. There was a long pause, as the bullet slowly escaped from the gun, I could move my head around, confused, trying to figure out what was going on. I felt a gust of wind blowing me away from the bullet; as I slowly fell down, the beer I was holding, slowly fell down. I knelt there on my own, with so much tears in my eyes. I looked up and screamed.
I felt like I had already lost my mind, at times I convinced myself that help was coming my way when at times it felt like it was too late for me. I kept the faith, the strength I had wasn’t enough to hold on, and faith was the only thing to hold on to. I truly was on my own, not because I chose to, nobody chooses a life like that. Nobody wants to be hurt and left alone. We only endure through that path to walk out. I may have thought of extreme measures, I am only glad that I was a coward enough to do it, but I can only have been more of a coward if I had done it.
Finally the bottle reached the floor, and I could see how that glass was broken into pieces. I took one broken glass, squeezed it into my hand, I needed to feel some pain, even that was not enough from what was felt within. I realized then just how much the internal affects us, emotions can make or break you, they decide our feelings, I was there trying to make sense of everything, yet I was as blank as a newly born baby.
I slowly became unconscious, I laid there until my blood clotted and stopped bleeding. I was awakened by the cold weathers; see even then I had nobody. I walked, freezing, and saw an outdoor spigot dripping water, and I washed my hand.
When I arrived at home I don’t know, where it had come from, I felt a slap from behind.
“Where are you from?”
As I turned, it was my other uncle, at 14 few months after my mother’s passing; he wanted to show me who was the man of the house. I had a lot more to deal with, as I ignored him, going to my room, he pulled me back.
“HEY, I ASKED YOU A QUESTION” he shouted.
I laughed, as he hit me one more time, it was his first time, and hoped it’d be his last, I was not in the mood for this. He left me, although there were continuous hits because of my misbehavior, but today I am able to laugh about it. I slept for hours and all afternoon, surprisingly he didn’t wake me up.
December, 2000, I knew this was the last day for me in Venterdorp, woke up earlier than ever before with such excitement. I ironed my clothes, polished my shoes, I had no tie by then I always wished I had one, as I had seen it as one of fancy garments. I got to school; they handed out our reports and applied for a school transfer. As soon as I was done, I was ready to face another path which I hoped it would be easier on me.
“You really are living?” a rhetorical question.
…Asked Moses Hector, who was my best friend by then. I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t very pleased about it, but in mind I had already made it up as if it was my choice. I just gave him a brotherly hug and told him I’ll keep in touch. Earlier that evening my cousin Khido came from Joburg.
“Isaac, you were rejected in my school because they don’t have the subjects you doing” she said.
For some reason I was pleased that it had been rejected, because I wanted to be close to my aunt, I knew she was my last option, which it was never going to be rejected. I knew for a fact that public schools accept anyone. I was ready for a new start. I remember, I packed all my clothes, took a long nap, in exactly 11:49pm I saw rays of lights coming through the windows, as soon as I heard a car horn I was ready to hit the road.