CHAPTER 13 – Emotions Evoked
“It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
Rays of the sun through the window woke me up from a peaceful sleep, after so many years it was like a brighter day as I put things into perspective. Weird that I went through my old stuff, and there I found words I inscribed in a piece of paper.
“Can I tell you about you?”
Those were the first words of my sentence. I didn’t remember much that I had written on that paper, even though the first words got me intrigued, I folded the paper and put it into my pocket, made breakfast, and after sometime I remembered that I had that paper in my pocket, I took it out. Re-read the first statement, and continued with it.
“You are amazing, you alone can build a bridge of your own success, you alone can measure up your own meter of success, you alone can stand firm and claim all victory, and you deserve more than just the greatest. You alone can begin a story, and choose how to end it. You’ve moved past the worst, You’ve already made it, you just forgot to claim the prize, because it’s already yours no matter how long it may take to be redeemed.”
With a smile upon my face thinking out loud, “I wrote that?” Although it wasn’t all that I had written, that piece of paper, gave me so much to think about, and that from way back I’ve always had courage that one day I am bound to make it and let the world hear my voice, out of many things that I may have chosen, I’ve also chosen to be alive and to live. Dreams to fulfill, a way forward from all the mess experienced, is still seen as a gargantuan task to tackle, but the rest truly was up to me and how I decide to end it. My mornings will rise and my nights will set, but my accomplishment will stand firm.
“Your finish line is already here.” I continued reading.
I took that with me everywhere I went, I must admit that sometimes when you fall, there are times when you just feel like you have given up, even though you know that it’s the last thing on your mind. I feel like I am insulting my inner soul when I say “The last thing” like it’s in my list, because I don’t have it on my list. I am not scared anymore, I break the walls, all obstacles, I move at a speed far greater than that of a light, if we talking about my future then I have the right to make that move. Funny how I’ve always wanted things on a silver platter, thinking I deserved it, but ironically if you believe you deserve something, you work hard for it. I failed that once, twice, thrice, four times, but hey, who’s counting? It was just a matter of me getting it right this time. I moved back and forth too many times, life is only awarded once, if I continue with my madness, it won’t get me anywhere.
“You are the limelight of your destiny, the pillar of all strengths destined for success; you are the music and the sound of joy, the link that matches the other end of happiness,”
I was sipping on my tea as I was standing around the house, and went outside to read more of the script. I was approached by a morning breeze that merged with the words I was reading. Felt at ease with my soul, my towel almost fell when I stretched my muscles; the lady from next door was pretty much disappointed.
“Morning” she said.
“Morning” I replied.
We never say much to each other, that’s all we ever say, as the breeze reverberates the words of the script of the last part I had already read, I then read the whole part
“… the questioned re-defined, but the definition comes from within, so the question I am asking is, who are you? Because I can only say less than more than you can express. Can you tell me about you?”
That’s the question that had me thinking, who am I? I tend to believe that the amount you suffer is equated to the amount you’ll receive even though I was hoping for far greater. But I was so wrong it’s not even funny. It takes determination to make it. The friends you make, the people that inspire you, the people that encourages you, the people that surrounds you. Even after that many aspects, you still have a choice to make. I realized that nobody was going to hold my hand to the finish line; I had to run on your own, the only thing they can offer is water and food in early days, after sometime, even with that too; I had to make a plan. I screamed out “Wow, life really sucks”
“It does, doesn’t it?”
“Gloria, where have you been?”
I had so much to do with my life, there’s still hope where there isn’t any left. Nothing can ever change what had happened. Be glad it happened, embrace it, move on but never forget. The future is ahead, that’s where we going, that’s where we should be headed. Never mind the silly mistakes you’ve made, it’s never too late to make amends, and one thing you can never change is your path. Your mistakes in life, where bound to happen, you didn’t stand any chance from getting away from them. Part of your mistakes are bits and pieces of your journey, they are lessons that one is supposed to learn from. Never ever give in, not in the worst situation possible, they have always told me that, the heavier it gets you should know the end of a new happier challenge has approached, and therefore what’s left of you is to keep going and the rest will be lessons learnt.
“”I guess this is it?” she asked.
“Not by a long run” I replied.
“What now?” She asked.
“Now we live.” I said, and smiled.
Every morning is a questionnaire waiting to be filled, a purpose to be filled. Mondays are the worst, I can’t lie about it, and Fridays are the best. In any between others, I still wake up to make a decision to go out there and make my life work. I am not preaching, for the mere fact that you reading this today should mean something. I remember one morning I woke up, in winter, I went outside bare footed, and I screamed. It felt good but cold as ice. I felt relieved, I knew my purpose in life, is a purpose I will discover along the way. It will be an insult to me as human if I didn’t take enough steps to make right choices which I knew one of which was to get up and make every step to count.
“Zack what do you want in life?”
“Zack are you winning?”
“Zack are you anywhere near?”
“What’s going on, talk to me”
I didn’t realize the pressure Gloria was putting on me, but not that I didn’t like that. She has always been there for me, cared for me, tried to guide me all the way. She always gave me a reason for breathing. In a mist of all the troubled paths I had nobody but her.
“I am here”
“Oh you almost gave me a heart attack there” She said.
Although we all know the mysteries of how Gloria Velsey came about, it worked for me. Few of my friends knew about her. She has always been part of my life, there’s no getting rid of her, and she will forever follow through every step I missed.
.Crazy? Yes, but then look at me now, determined, inspired, motivated, encouraged, ambitious, self-couscous, people’s person, loving, arguably charming, some facts have to be faced. I have run away from the truth for too long, how did that work out for me? I have been miserable for a number of years. But eventually I acted and here I am, newly born and ready to conquer the world, and yes I did it on my own with a little push to the right direction.
“So what you up to now” She added.
I was working on a project, I had faith on, something that I hoped one day will be read, but I decided to give her my full undivided attention, how she enjoyed my attention.
“Doing a lot of writing, you?”
“Just looking at you and how far you’ve come, I am proud of you” She said.
I cannot really lie about it, I did come from far. I don’t compare, mine was hard enough, so was yours, or is yours, it doesn’t stop here though remember? It’s a cycle, with every circle completed begins a new one. With a new one allocated, hopefully you’ll be faced with the tougher one, because it’s only then that you will know you are redirected to a better path. Redirection processes are never my favorite, But I love the final destination, which of course is ironically the beginning, it’s just a new circle prior a finished one.
“This is a point where you get speechless” I said.
“I love you”
Such a powerful phrase and might break you in a long run. Often carelessly used but I didn’t mind it hearing it from someone that speaks it from the heart. It’s moments like these I cherish, when I am at peace with myself, the only sentiment that’s left of me. When you know all that needs to be told is out there and you took the liberty to move on with a smile upon one’s face. I knew that it will get easier.
“I love you too”
You know the change you bring in yourself when you start to appreciate yourself, when you start to love the person in the mirror, as clichéd as it sounded back then, now I am living the meaning, who can ever take that away from me? I can assure you now, nobody, unless we let them. From now on, I just needed to focus on the positive and make every messed up step taken serve as motivation. It’s only when you fail that you start to see clearer and clearer, the more you do, the more you keep on, the more you persevere, the more you start appreciating, it’s the more you realize how essential failure is in life, you will start to see motivation in odd moments. When they ask you, how you did it, tell them that my failures gave me too much courage and that’s when I realized how alive I am that I knew giving up is a disappointment in nature. The steps we take now, and every punch we take in, only makes us stronger for the next step.
I didn’t understand the phase I was going through, felt like I was walking on broken glasses that at times I just couldn’t bare the pain and I instantly stopped walking. I loved this woman with all of my heart, just can’t seem to get her replaced, the mistake that I may have made. It’s dubious to think how I can have grown so close to this woman that I can’t seem to get her to be my own. Yet I may have deceived my mind that I had her off my system, but one can never fool the heart. She called me on my 25th Birthday, It only rang twice, and never called again.
“…is it Charity again?” Gloria asked.
“This time I swear it’s over” I replied.
Just when you think it truly is over, that’s when you should know it hadn’t begun. I am a mess, as I kept telling myself. My heart is playing me for a fool. It’s only temporary; my heart still will see her as the same girl I first laid my eyes on.