CHAPTER 4: Emotions Evoked
“I scored before I could score and missed”
Suddenly everything slowly started to make sense, although I couldn’t get the sense of how it had all began, I was way too young to endure such misery. Lonely and miserable in my own way, suddenly I started to enjoy the sadness and tears, the pain and being hurt made me feel miserably better. I still walk through a path chasing trouble, seeking and sniffing for animosity in places I wasn’t wanted although I had hoped things would get better. I remember High School and how good I was with numbers, where I’d always create equations to solve any problem, methods I still used throughout my entire life, creating formulas and equations to solve what’s at hand. The strength I needed, I already had it. I convinced myself that sometimes the tears we cry are all the strength we need to overcome a burden and move on to the next step. At times one’s life seems to be a sinking boat, once the boat has sank, we learn to swim, and swim ourselves out of the ocean, and then it’ll start to raining, we crawl our way out of the rain through storms, the only chance we’ve got is to cross over, yet it comes to mind that, the other side has its own ups and down as well.
We fail to understand that trouble is created to be there at all times, we only struggle with one thing, how to deal with it. We all can never deny that we want one thing in life, success, some see it as wealth, being able to afford the expenses of life. I have always hated It when I was constantly reminded that at some point we all going to die, gone for good, and asked if given a chance to look at what you have lived for, what change will you have brought in this precious little cruel world we call earth? Have you yet achieved all that you were eager to accomplish? We all know that these challenges are what make life what it is. Everyone has a finish line in life; the question is what’s yours? But I can assure you, our finish line is at one point, we are all headed there, it’s only a matter of time, for as long as you live, for as long as you breathe, make it a point that you reach to that point, some made it, some died before they could even start racing. Once you start racing, you should know you are in competition with yourself and your own happiness. That’s the full potential that’s everyone is referring to, along the way there will be a lot of falls, you might be diagnosed with Cancer, HIV, you might lose your job, you might lose your legs, and a whole lot more obstacles to get in your way, but that when you reach the finish line, it becomes a new beginning of new challenges, but that put your spirit at ease, you feel better, any challenge doesn’t matter when you have reached the side that’s meant for you. You feel the satisfaction, the triumph; you feel like a warrior, that brings a lot of joy, nothing feels better than tackling challenges of life with a smile on your face. The Feeling of success, like a complaint free society, although it’s in our nature, it has become oblivious to complain. That’s all that I wanted to do with my life.
So there I was, as I exhumed a lot of hidden secrets in my heart, too many thoughts clouded as I pulled the curtain open early that Morning. I was still stuck in my own world, worlds apart from the ordinary, and the instant moment of a memory taken aback. Wild paths stigmatized by the perception of in denial. Yet, an amazing journey to paddle through and thrash out details in order. Swayed along to a moment in time when I first made love. I must say it was a mammoth task, dull and nothing I had imagined. This was premeditated, and I was never going to back down. Sunset, 30th of December 2009, I was at my cousin’s grandma’s house, yes, I was home alone, waited for her. Losing my mind and nervous,
“Am I really doing this?” I asked myself continuously,
The nerve starts to really kick in, “Come in” I said, you could hear my voice trembling,
“. And you just had to get a fat lady, she weigh a little bit above 150 K’s and you weigh just less than 50”, my mind kept asking trying to ruin the moment,
“Shut up” my body responded, the next thing, you know, she walks in.
“Hi” I greeted her as I took a very good look at her, thinking to myself, “So this is it, huh?”
“Hi” she greeted back, offered her a chair, she sat on the other side opposite from where I was sitting, it’s now quiet in a room, and in my head I am thinking “so what, do we just get to it? Or we wait? Do I ask her if she’s ready? What is a man to do? Be a man goddamn!!!”
I don’t know what to do, I am freaking out, she’s older, and I thought she’d take the lead. And the only thing that came to my mind at about that time, I looked at her and said,
“I wonder what’s on TV”, I mean you should understand that it was actually the very first time I had a conversation with her, I have never had any relations with this lady and we are about to have sex. She stood up and she said “I’ll show you what’s on TV”, she pulled me towards her and squeezed her body against mine, she started kissing me, I kissed back, and in my head I am thinking “Ok, now I am really curious to what’s on TV”. We haven’t reached to the point where I had to take off my clothes, the kiss really got me steamy and got me a little bit messy, and now it was time for the real deal, I am standing there thinking, “okay I cannot really switch off the light because they aren’t on and it’s still around 6pm, so she’s going to see it anyway.”
She started undressing herself, I had a big grin on face, I was ready to dive in, I grabbed a packet of rubbers and used 1. I was really sweating up, but the only thing in my mind was to finish what I was doing and it was really taking forever, that very moment in life that I regret that I never enjoyed any of that moment of it, she wanted to go for the second round but I was already exhausted and not interested anymore.
.I pulled open the last curtain in the dining, as I was dwelling back into my thoughts. How could I’ve destroyed my first time like that? It was quite bold and clear to me that it could’ve been because she was gifted and older, or another factor that I am not going to get into right now. I came back from that tedious journey, and I was done opening curtains, made myself breakfast, and set there for hours, I was getting ready to meet up with my best friend, it was quiet a distance to travel. When I got there, I told him what had happened, he started mocking me and suggesting men enhancement products, we laughed even if it didn’t sit well with me. Thinking to myself and I believed that Johnny and I are just fine; we all give it a name at some point. On my way back from his home, I drowned in deepest pull of thoughts about the things I wish I would’ve done differently. Socked up with a desire to walk into the depth of what was beyond my reach, lacking too much strength to hold on to what was already there to observe, yet the enervating heat was not an obstacle. Back and forth as the past came into pass, I needed to be liberated from my own thoughts. I walked right through in turmoil, bewildered by my own behavior. How could’ve allowed myself to do that to myself, I knew I was better than the things I turn to do. A lot had seen me as “The Man”, Loved by many, yet known by few. I have put too much perception about what’s in the words that are written than the words from within, but the truth had already been told too many times. Ever since I had sexual relations with that woman, I’ve never seen, or allowed myself to be in the arms of another. At 25, nothing changed much; I had nothing that reflects a better person that I paint on my own writings. Deeply I was still a hurt little boy with so much to get over, sometimes, it made me feel like I never wanted anyone, to actually be cared for, when at times, it may look like I am actually pushing everyone that’s important to me, but I didn’t, I just expected too much, I wanted to be the first priority in everyone’s lives, not that I felt to be more superior than others, something was missing in myself, something that would ultimately complete me. I find myself in tears at times, of the things that really don’t make any sense, forgiveness has always been my weakest point but then the events will be replayed over and over and still wonder at some point if I had really forgiven myself enough to forgive them. The hole within my heart is a magnet of all unfortunate desires, it seem to attracts the bad and separate me from the good. I think to myself that I would’ve been in therapy to be able to cope on my own, because my greatest fear was to find myself in a lonely position with no one to turn to. In fact, I seem to have called it upon me that I always blame the nearest object. But when I choose to forget, I forget for real, I fall out of fear and face what’s called rejection because the one I needed was someone with unswerving loyalty.
Peaceful appetite of a beautiful breeze from the east shook me awake from dreadful thoughts. On my way back from my friend’s place, I saw a limping dog, no difference from what I had pictured myself. I sat down with that dog, while brushing it’s hair on the head to the back “What wrong boy?”, when I checked under its limping leg, there was a sharp spike, that I removed, I could feel it’s pain as I was removing it, and I felt like I am just like the dog, my life is limping and there’s a sharp spike that’s causing the limper, sadly the dog needed someone to help remove the spike, could it have been the same thing with my life? Two blocks away from home, I receive a call from the lady from the previous day, my mind screamed, “ignored the call”, thinking to myself, is this the man I grew to be, at that very point it felt very good and annoying at the same time, then the breeze shook me right back into a place where a complete mayhem broke out right through my mind. The man that I portray to be, a heart to break thousands, coated with such hatred, soaked with dirt, contaminated with fear and an excuse of what was. When all those stories got older, and everyone had enough, enough of looking into my eyes and feeling sorry for me, when I, in fact never wanted to be pitied. An evening that ruined my inner most beauty and left it bruised and naked. I linked myself to a wrong crowd, pressurized into a hot full bottle of fire, yet I did want to experience. She deserved better than me, I know I could’ve been better but my heart didn’t let me, and I didn’t want to. I refused to change into a better man that she hoped for. If it was so clear in my heart that I never loved her one bit why did I continue with it? The saddest part was when she told me how she felt about me, and said the exact words that I had hoped she wouldn’t say. I knew how much of a fool I was, yet that didn’t make any difference, the words that came from my mouth were “I am sorry”. I believed in my own imagination of love, I just never pictured it with a real person. I seek for the impossible, yet I never stop looking even if I know that I might never find it. I never apologized yet I was able to forgive myself, she moved on, now she has a family of her own with someone that was meant for her, but that doesn’t justify my wrong doing.
I arrived at home; then suddenly.
I moved from a point I was to a point I was not, my world gleamed with ecstatic fulfillment, avoiding reality in the outer shell of space. I moved across the impeccable walls right through my comfort zone. I mangled with my emotions, to point a desired factor of an undisputed factor in an angle from which the view wasn’t clear. I squeezed words into a thin blender to create my own image that suits my own admiration. I mirrored myself with the perception of the world, safely endangered in a room of my own creations. The question was, why is it so hard to let go, move on and get out of our comfort zone and face reality and the bitter world that we live in. My heart lives to love and I’ve never had the courage to let go of anything I loved dearly. The truth is, the phrase “Move on” is easier said to the brokenhearted. We never necessarily move on, we only try to forget. It makes it hard to move on with constant pictures in your head. I am the type that fantasizes about what’s yet to be considered, counted too many chickens and none hatched. I daydreamed about a lot of things and even if I never get to score any of my goals, I never stop shooting although I’ve missed the target too many times. I might try new methods, but I will unequivocally never ever stop shooting at the posts. Which begs me to ask the question, what made me happy? At first I didn’t comprehend the meaning of the question. The depth of the question, how it dug beyond what the mind can’t reach. It is happiness, the root of all traits, the anchor that holds a permanent smile on our faces, the only thing that matters most, and the joy that we seek and yet cannot endure. A place where love is the host, a place to prosper and grow bolder, what is it that made me happy? I wanted to visit that place just once, I was assured, that I will never come back, because that’s the only place that would define who I am. I sought a new way for I was crippled by the path I had chosen. Longing for a day to pass by and afraid to start a new one. Stuck in the beginning of a chapter, I can’t seem to be able to write about my own journey. I am wavering my way out of a closed chapter. I look back into what I had achieved, yet nothing seemed to be of any significant towards the desires of my heart. Life that seemed without purpose, yet I knew the statement was an insult to the Creator. I believed things had already happened, yet that gave me joy to walk through the path of my internal dreams. Then I remembered it was a while back and things that can easily happen. I cried all my tears out thinking that someone would come and dry them out yet nobody showed up, loneliness caught me in the middle of nowhere, I had assumed that the beast devoured my contentment, or maybe the hurricane came and threw all that’s left away. There was absolutely nowhere that I could hide from them. Years previously I was a juvenile joyful lad just like every youngster would be, who would have thought.
- Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
- CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”
- CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
- Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”
2 total views, 2 today