Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”
Chapter 3: Emotions Evoked
“That singled out moment that even though lies where roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”
Berseba, Brits, from one small village to another, located in the south west of Brits town, it has been there for more than 17 centuries, more civilized than Mogopa. This began to be my new home. I couldn’t wait to start over, from which my mind had me believed and it was a big shift. From the east were few houses in alignment with the river that was just at the back yet a bit further away to the bush, when the west was more remote houses, covered by lots and lots of trees. The south was a dead-end when the north gave a pathway to other nearby places, like Modikwe, Bethanie and a lot more. The passage between the places was a walking distance when one was ought to do some exercising. A boiled atmosphere excreting the warmth winds blowing crossing the village to the north in the early days of harvesting season. It had begun.
It seemed more like poverty sealed and covered up every possibility of every dream of a young soul all in a fog of tears and wonders, the loss of my parents never ever sat well with me, from the beginning of time to the end of it. It felt like saddest seasons, dreadful weathers, screaming out “someone unplug my soul and let me sing with angels”, Heavens awaits. Scornful beauty vituperated the inner me, I have told my story, and I have seen the depth of my wellbeing. They say it’s unpredictable, well, to say the least, I have seen the end of it, when at times one would feel like giving up on a moment that God has provided.
Early that morning, after my relocation, I did a bit of introspection, deep in thoughts, seeing that the world was upside down and everything I had just seem to fall. I found it very hard to see what’s beyond possibilities, beyond the skies and observe dreams I had. I couldn’t even see what was before my eyes; everything seemed over exaggerated. Seeking for happiness in doors that I knew there was so much hatred, shadowed my life within a specific scale. Friends, family, relatives, as I had no interest in thickened blood, because I had believed I didn’t have any. I seemed to worry more about tomorrow than what is in the moment, more concerned about what will than what is, forever stuck in what was, I even forget the divine taste of water, how my High School English teacher would enlighten us in early mornings, “Why would you want to commit suicide when water taste so good, Zack have you really tasted water, Huh?”, as he would randomly ask the question, felt like he was sending a message to me, although he was only referring to the passing of one of the learners who had committed suicide, when rumors had it that it was because of her cheating boyfriend. Blessed is thy soul with an understanding of their purpose, I came to think about my life, see what is now, than what will, to appreciate the present to better my tomorrow, yet not to forget what was, to better my presence. A roller coaster, that’s what they call it. My life had shifted from point A to point B yet I still didn’t know which point was which, it had all taken me back from where I started. The fall I took and what it took to get up encouraged me to let my inner person take over so one wouldn’t feel lonely. I come to realize that all problems are equally nerve racking, that’s how I finally understood that sometimes trust is everything, with so much wrong going on, if the truth was told to everyone, the world would be a chaos. Yet again, no matter how long we keep a secret, it has a funny way of creeping out in the open when we least expect it, words that resonated in my mind, over and over again like when a song elevates.
I wrote a poem when I was feeling awkwardly alone, when I wanted to feel the love from a woman that never seemed to have loved me. I tried to seal it and move away from that chapter, but sometimes I just let one day seem more like a life time, when in fact it was just a spur of a moment, it happens to everyone.
“The end of a new beginning had me believed that there will be more tears to cry, unsolved mysteries, here we go again Just like in a dream, moments I sacrificed, I know that I deserve the pain, as I walk in drowning waters I might die today, but I have no regrets I know that I played my part, I wish you knew the heart, that speaks the words of love, the love lost but will be claimed, If not here, Heavens will proclaim. I am willing to walk in the rain, even if it doesn’t stop, and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim. I am standing beside you, hoping that you’d feel the heavy air that I breathe. I am walking beside you, this could be my last walk, angels are walking down, to seal my soul, mountains I’ve climbed all by myself. I wish you knew the heart that speaks the words of love. The love lost but will be claimed, If not here, Heavens will proclaim. I am willing to walk in the rain, Even if it doesn’t stop and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim, I will be waiting, so you can know that I meant every word, I’ll watch from a distance, like an angel up above, For the time is near, I will always remember you. I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim, I am willing to walk in the rain, even if it doesn’t stop, and if it’s not prove enough, I will be at peace, when the moon rise, Heavens will proclaim.”
My life then began to be that of unturned and unfulfilled purposes, everything from top to bottom, felt half-filled. I became the source of all emotions, felt from the touch of every edge that’s about to crack and fall off a cliff. My pure sense of affection was attention, to be heard, to be loved. My obsession became to be that of Love. If anything that’s of the heart compromises what my heart desires, that emanates from the core of the initial ache. Pure nature captured at the fore front of what I had witnessed, linking all aspects back into perspective. What I had expected was way beyond what was to be offered, believed an inch for every inch that gave me enough glimpse of the truth beyond all lies that I had instilled within. Demonic gestures of all sorts of impediments, uncertainties and deceits. The evil of all demonic creatures, yet it is of what made the world what it is.
6 AM in the Morning, I hated Mondays, in a moment of a short recess with myself in bed before the final snooze of my alarm. I had my mind moving across the universe, swimming all the way up with unnecessary clouds of thoughts, just how they kept me amused, as it had always felt real. Every 5 Minute I would temporarily get lost and catch a sleep, blown off from the journey when my alarm had finally gone off. It had happened the moment I reached equilibrium, the moment of peace, sensed with a bit of the cultural event of what my mind perceived as love, peace and happiness. That singled out moment that even though lies were roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity. I had put heavy stones up my shoulder and the only thing under my sleeves were that of what made a man disintegrated, when I was reminded to be one of the other, the man to inspire many or be inspired by many. Words running through my mind, as I slowly woke up, leaped off bed, and boiled the water using the electric kettle, far more better civilized that during winter when we had been forced to make fire from the outside, for us to boil water so we can bath. I slowly poured water in a wide bucket, almost every drop at a time; I had taken a trip far back from the time when I was at the angle of the inward light of what I hadn’t seen but had in mind as hope and faith to walk across every journey. The life I desired, how comical that as a child the only thing that I had in my mind before anything else was a woman, perhaps a woman I never got to make any permanent memories with, but I had always thought of a woman, a woman I gave a name, the woman I talk to when I have nobody to talk to, she always listened, and gave me the best advice. I was then on foot across the lights of Heavens, as I had a foretaste of what’s beyond.
“You again, I wonder what’s troubling you this time”, She asked.
I lazed on her chest for a moment. Although I couldn’t say a thing, I had teary eyes and she just wrapped her arms around me, and that was just about enough. After the last drop of water, as I came back, I took a very quick bath; I was ready in no time. I was still bruised emotionally, all of which was banked within, and piled up every moment until I started defining my life with the things that had already happened. I placed myself in different situations at all times, because I wanted to be accepted, yet I hadn’t accepted anything that had happened in my life. Bit by bit, a backward progress, was a perfect excuse for a life I dreamed of. I started dressing up for a new day, early off to school, when I started wondering and begging for answers, and its early days for a bruised heart to start an unforeseen journey without the closest at heart, so I thought. The souls of all hearts attached and still had to detach myself. I never knew the difference, letting go didn’t mean forgetting, it meant finding some peace at heart to move from a point of disastrous deeds, to a new path of a different challenge, yet I never wanted to, I refused to. I wanted it to rain as hard, to feel the pain every day, and felt like I deserved it.
Dwelling in and out as she was still wrapping her arms around me. I was having my breakfast, I then realized that perhaps the first cut isn’t really the deepest, it put your spirit at bay, it isn’t the first cut, it’s a digging hole each day, how deeper it gets, comes back to you as an individual and how you want to deal with it. My mind ran me wild, like I knew all the answers, answers didn’t give me solutions, and they seem to have been adding more to my problems. Paths and patterns, felt like I have gone through this ordeal before, like I’ve said these words before. The last piece of bread and that last sip took me back; I then came to look deeper in my situation. Everyone has a situation, and mine looked far more dubious than what the eye and mind can see. It was complicated for me to explain to myself. Part of which was hurt, part of which was gratified and an amount of tentative moods, thinking of the day I will breathe my last breath and how I preferred to.
There was just too much going on in a very short period of time, I wanted to solve all in that space of time, I’ve seen it happening before and I never liked the results. A struggle always seems to give off better results if one hasn’t given up. Nobody chooses a struggle; we are just bound to go through one. I knew if I never put my life on paper nobody would ever hear about it. The mind seemed to work in mysterious way, the word I had in my mind when I was now ready to go to school.
“I will walk through the path, I will fall through the fall I had already fallen, I will make amends, and I will never stop walking”
For some reason, that even, helped me to keep going. I felt challenged, but then yes, everyone was. Most of my life I queried and forgot to live, I dreamed and forgot to pursue, I walked but I never knew my destination and where I wanted to go, for all we know I could have been walking in circles, felt like a life without a purpose. But I always hoped, I never stopped hoping for change in my life. It never gets easier; it’s only a matter of the strength I picked up on previous occasions, with enough hope just to get by. Although I was deeply scarred, all that mattered was a woman that I cherished, loved and formed.
Getting ready for my 8th Grade, on my way to school something strange happened, I saw an images that reminded me of something that I may have forgotten, something I believed I have memories of but yet still don’t know if the memory is as it appears to be as in the truth beneath what a young soul couldn’t reach. A mother carrying a child on her back walking down the street seeking for help and food, she was protecting the baby from any harm and the rain. Through it all, she carried him through, as I walked past the 2nd street, Strange enough, I saw a young boy about my age, his mother’s copse lying down, a young boy was drowning in his own tears, as I looked close enough, those images reflected back to me. Memories stuck with me, for a lifetime, but I only realized that my mind was over thinking and displaying images as I reminder of what I had lost. I walked past and went straight to school, which was actually my very first time at a new school, fresh man in high school, as we were referred to as newcomers, that’s when corporal punishment still reigned.
Blindly I remember bits and pieces, Time passed me by, then I saw the second girl, in my 10th Grade, you’ll still hear about the first, when all that I could think of is my life with her, spending the rest of my life with her, yes I counted too many chickens. I was never a man to accept rejection. It was like a disease, yet I believed that I brought it to myself. I was never a man to go fishing in the sea; I always dived in for just one particular fish, to the very point that I get it, funny thing is, too many obstacles had the fish and left when I was still chasing, I found it to be very sad in my case, when I would tear up day and night thinking to myself, if my feelings were so real toward her, why couldn’t I have her? Body and soul, her beauty through the in and outer shell, just amazed me. I remember the touch of her lips, cold and sweet, her hands around my neck, how she turned me on and the only thing that mattered was that moment in time. I felt at ease – the only thing that mattered most. She stroked me gently around my waist as I pulled her very close to me. Her eyes and every part of her body were just as amazing. I couldn’t believe my eyes, “she’s finally mine” I said, but all just day dreaming by myself, I always listened to my inner voice. In about that time my inner voice spoke to me, that when you truly love someone, everything about them matters, like the feeling of their heart beat being close to yours, their wet, moist lips caressing with yours, the feeling of their cold hands wrapped around you, feeling their heart beat can bring tears in your eyes, your love making evoking all of your emotions, hold ’em too tight like you don’t want to let them go, the love so strong – and that’s how I wanted to love someone. This reminded me of my very first love letter; when I was 9, when all it had was 4 words “Lala Kele, Lala Zack” Which would possibly mean, let’s sleep together, no sexual content intended, and I clearly remember my real love letters, I was age 17, when I really struggled to woo her love. When some called it obsession, she was the first lady I laid my eyes on, just when I thought that chapter was closed…
My life seemed to deepen daily and very much aware of it, as I grew, it may have seemed that I have been on a road that barely can be understood by the traveller, along the way there are things we do, and at times one would wonder just how such thought could ever cross one’s mind. The closest at heart are always the ones to be hurt, we get tempted, and we fail to control ourselves, and yet again instead of fixing things we tend to put the blame on others for our very own actions and when things start to fall apart, its starts to hurt and haunt you as well. I have always asked myself a question, and that is how to fix a broken heart that had broken thousands more, dealing with the fact that you’ve chased away the only thing closest to you. I had always been told to appreciate and cherish what I admire most, that should I lose it in any manner, let it be a happy ending if not hurtful and yearning for more of them, with memories to endure a life time, words I would hurl out when hell breaks loose. The road seemed longer, overwhelming, and I was relieved that I seemed to be walking on the same road with many. I have always been told that life has always been short, but when you have someone by your side, someone who truly understands you, it’s all worth it, and no matter how much you think you have learned, it still comes back to you, when you finally realize that money can never buy you anything that’s within the heart. I may seem to have failed to cherish the moment I shared with my loved ones because I was young and had no idea about the air I was breathing. The inevitability of it, as I grew and came to understand the effect it caused, I wanted to let death be the only barrier that breaks apart the link, and be ascertained that when heaven proclaim, my name will be called with the ones cherished and loved. At times, you realize that fights and hurts bring you even closer together, only if we knew the number of years allocated for us, for all we know, I may never see the end of this day, only if I could stop myself from thinking.
This few moments in life borrowed, I just want to spend them together with the ones closest, this moment in time, is the only moment in life I have, It’s only when you lose the closest at heart you then realize how precious life and time is. Don’t live life full of regrets, things that you could’ve done to change it all. Haunted by what ifs and wonders, trailing in your mind making it seem like your life is not of importance anymore, because of the mistakes you’ve made that led to unforgettable disastrous events, which takes me back to the day I first I saw the woman, it had been long enough that after a few weeks I just wanted to let her know how I feel about her. The Moment I held her hand and I said,
“I have seen you couple of times and I know it in my heart that I want you so bad, I know you know, but do you really? I want to touch you, hold you, and make sweet love to you. I want to climb up the ladder with you, carry you with me through the storms because I won’t give up on us. I miss the look you give me, you know that “I hope you won’t look back” look. That when I did look back, I miss how you shy away, smiling down on me, the intensive love that reigns through my heart when I taste your lower lip that I haven’t got a chance to bite. I want you so bad. I want to push you against my headboard; I want to get deeper in you. We’ll pop a champagne or two, whipped cream on you, and I know how much you want to lick me, I’ll put my lips in places I’ve never been. I want to squeeze you so much. Hold you very tight and close to me. I want you so bad… I want to cuddle with you, give you the best feeling you’ve ever experienced. I want to wake you in middle of the night to tell you that I love you; I know you’ll be mad but you’ll smile about it in the morning. I refuse to be with someone else, No, because I want you, You have no idea how I feel about you, how much I want to take care of you and everyone important to you. If saying the words isn’t good enough, at least let me show it. Let me be the man, my feelings for you are real”
.and yet it was like I was talking to myself. She never looked into my eyes to witness the truth, when all she ever said was that I wasn’t her type. I had plugged enough encourage to stand up and look her into her eyes, and all I ever said was,
“Type? The type that will always be there for you, the type that’s going to love you from now till the end, that’s not your type?”
I was devastated because I knew I loved her, part of me wished I didn’t. But I knew she loved it when I showed it. The question I kept asking myself was, will I ever have her as my own? And the answer to the question rode me back to my thoughts, wishes and wonders. The dream I had, what ifs and the truth out shadowed, I wrote in the words that matters, whispering the words of truth, she barely kissed me, we touched, caressed. The woman, I always loved, the little time, tick … Tick… Tack, that’s the only sound, the reminder that all we have is now. I am still waiting for her to hold my hand, remembering the night that I looked in the mirror like I was talking to her.
“millions of women, beautiful women, amazing women, women to die for, yet they aren’t worth any of my tears, but out of millions, I chose you, the thought of you keeps me awake yet takes me through a peaceful night, and a dream I had, I whisper out from what’s from within, I feel you in my sleep. Dearest, I know it hurts; funny that it hurts to love you but what hurts the most is that I will never be with you.”
Any attempted and failed effort drove me back into a commotion of the past. Every piece that I lose before I even had it, or the one that I feel that I have lost, takes me back and reminds me of just how much I’ve lost, I’ve always needed a friend to let me know, that although they aren’t here today, that I am still not alone. Old news I know, they haunt me, wherever I seem to go. Now that the feeling has come back alive, it’s going to lasts longer, no matter how many times I’d break down. I just didn’t want to be left alone, I was afraid of thinking. My thoughts were dangerous to my well-being. The next time I regret, I won’t be around anymore. All I wanted was to be someone’s best friend; to share the love that’s over whelming and battle out all obstacles together. There I was within my inner self trying to figure out the impossible, how could I have survived the battle that had already been lost…
Next Chapter: Chapter 4: “I scored before I could score and missed”
- Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
- CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”
- CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
- Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”
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