Chapter 2: When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?
Chapter 2 – Emotions Evoked
“When the nights grew darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary?”
I try to make sense and understand the moments that I went through and how I possibly made it through a day. I know that I never had a choice, the only thing that was there, was to face whatever had to come my way. I felt at ease for a moment before I felt my heart beat go off in tragedy, like an earth quake erupting from every part of the world and there’s just no place to hide. I remember seeing a random hearse from a distance and I could already see the end of it. I could feel rage and I remember hurling out the words “I hate you; I won’t allow you to take her away from me.” I felt something that moment, sooner or later I had to face the truth and watch as it unfolds right before my eyes. Scornful, undesired animosity, mixed emotions in a pile like a stack of books, right above my lower chin and couldn’t see what was in front although my heart had already confirmed that the good will become the worst. I assumedly thought it was just a minor unstable state of mixed feelings. The day when in the afternoon I felt the rage growing stronger, the more I resisted the feeling, it came back with a bang like a pulled trigger right through your head, and there’s nothing you can possibly do, you’ll just have to feel the heat followed by vacuity, then you’d have no idea what just happened, yet you won’t even realize that you had already crossed to the other side.
Most of my time I would spend it with friends but in this point in time, I was a very sad little boy, depressed, and I couldn’t really tell what was the course. So many times that she had been hospitalized; later on I heard no news about her, thinking that she’d come as healthy as did the last time she was sick. I recall one of my few friends, we were about the same age, he came to me and said “Life is unfair don’t you think”, and I reluctantly smiled, with a fake grin and said “Sure is, Sure is, but today everything is well”. I knew there was something I wasn’t told that Friday, I just knew, yet I didn’t know what it was but my heart couldn’t handle it. I went to my bedroom later that afternoon after school and sobbed, my emotions just took over, and I couldn’t apprehend the cause behind. The nights were thoughts of the gloomy grounds, like paddling through bloody waters, invaded by demons. I knelt and prayed so hard to cast them away. I yet again fell in deepest seas, I felt lonely in a crowded domicile. I was surrounded by Death-stalkers, Boom-slang, Hyenas, Komodo Dragons, Leopards, Carpet Viper and my greatest fear Brazilian Wandering Spider. I was protected by the Lion, felt at ease yet scared of what wasn’t known that’s yet to be told, it was just a matter of when. I was defenseless in a moment of torture between the lines of what’s coming, shouting out let God lead my way. I was drastically trying to move sideways, and I was still stuck in one position like a dreadful nightmare. It felt so real, the Lion encircled me in the mist of all danger. As soon all danger backed up, I was relieved. I felt a sense of maturity, a sense of the last man standing, amusing how the journey seemed like an effortless crusade, all of the animals took their own way and disappeared, and sadly, the Lion died. I looked around scared battling to calm myself down, thinking what if they came back. I tried waking it up, but it was gone and I was still left all by myself. No matter how I tried to hook myself up with other people, no matter how I tried to adhere myself to them, after a long run even a glue losses it’s adherence, I just had to face it all by myself, the fear of being on my own, the fear of making it on one’s own. No matter how the situation looked, at the end of it all it felt lonely. At some point in life, I just have to face the dance, so my mother used to say. I lacked a sense of belief that I couldn’t protect myself from all the danger that I may encounter. The dream couldn’t make any sense. When the nights got darker, fear grew deeper, what’s in the dark that could be so scary? My fears created a barrier of self-esteem, images that I had were brought into reality, I felt a distinct pain pieced right through my heart, my heart started to beat a bit slower than usual, but I can feel my blood vessels in a rush. I fell right into a hole of all mysteries; my thoughts have become a center of my reality. Reality bites harder than thoughts, when all my thoughts did was taking me to a place of torture and misery.
3 AM in the morning, I woke up from a nightmare, shaking and confused. I went outside for a fresh breeze; my whole body was weakened from the dream. I could hear a roar from a distance, suddenly I bounced back to the dream, sparing my analogy of what was going on and what was to happen, deeper into my box of emotions seeking for answers, seeking for that one thing to define what is at the moment that isn’t what’s supposed to be. Something outside the ordinary, clustered, but all I could see is a mixture of all sorts of uncertainties. Boiled with such emotion, geared to chaise an empty promise, a glimpse of a magnifying truth, Ignorant and lost in my own words. I went back to sleep, in those terrifying moments I was still staying with my Uncle.
8 AM in the morning, I woke up from all of my own thoughts, in that very instance there was a young beautiful woman by the name of Khido. She would at times visit, when my mother was bedridden at my aunt’s place which was far away from home. Seeing her from time to time brought too many memories, as we used to sit together, her, myself, uncle and mother. She loved cooking; As soon as I’d see her I’d instantly know that she was going to cook us a very special lunch and supper. I really loved her dearly without any doubt. When at times she would ask me to do something and promise me something in return just like my mother used to.
“I am making you lasagna, today.” She said.
“Whatever that is, can we first go and call my mother, it’s been a while and I would love to hear her voice.” I replied.
It had already been three weeks, I had missed her dearly. We did call in a public phone. The moment I said goodbye, it never felt the same. Days passed by and one morning, I woke up and Khido had slept over, we were preparing food for lunch as usual. My uncle was nowhere to be found, and was probably out smoking with friends. In about that moment my uncle came in and…
“Shhhhhhhhh”, I heard a hissing sound, I heard too many voices, like the nightmare I had, the Lion that I couldn’t safe, everything stopped. Every moment in time flashed back from a dream, and I felt my mother’s presence as her thoughts within me came in torrent, rushing through my vessels, felt her breath and how I use to cuddle and how I missed that. I couldn’t wait to cuddle with her again, how she’d always stand up for me when I had a little trouble with my peers. My heart felt the need to call her at that very moment and tell that “mama, I love you and I miss you”. Memories of the past, when her biggest salary of my memories was R700 in the years between 1999 – 2000 after 3 weeks of hard work just so I can have shoes to wear and food to eat. When at times she would sell diamonds for under R400, and I don’t even know if they were real diamonds, they must have been, but through all tussle, she did everything to protect me from all harm. A strong woman, with big dreams, I only realize now who I take that from.
”Sister Khido” he said.
He always had something to say, something to ask for and I just never even wanted to listen to whatever he had to say, I couldn’t seem to ignore it, it came as clear as a song. I thought about a lot of things that moment.
“I came from Gleneden and…”
As he continued, my mind froze for a second dwelling into the deepest thoughts of what was beyond my imagination. Queuing at the beginning of all ends, the finish of a new episode, the life lived more valuable that all treasures, the mountains I climbed, climbed back on the shoulder that hasn’t finished any ends of it all.
“.he said that…”
he continues and yet at this point in time I have no interest on the news, “it’s nothing that concerns me” , so I thought, unavoidable, clearer and clearer as it resounded in my ears. It was a bit chilly, June, and I was a bit cold, I couldn’t feel my toes, my fingers become numb, My body temperature dropped, and yet I couldn’t understand the nature of what was going on with me. The last words that touched me from within as he continued,
“.Kenosi died yesterday”. He drops a boom shell.
In that moment everything just ceased.
Next Chapter: Chapter 3: “That singled out moment that even though lies where up roared, not one single inch of animosity would separate me from my humanity.”
- Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
- CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”
- CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
- Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”
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