CHAPTER 10 – Emotions Evoked
“Shadows of the hurtful earths”
From the south, felt like the weathers were not happy as the winds blew off to the north, waiting in a queue so long that I had forgotten what I was queuing for. I moved out of the queue, and walked home. On my way back I saw a woman in tears, neglected by the man who promised her the world, when all he could’ve done instead is to create a whole new world together, I saw a woman settling for less for the sake of being in love, I saw a woman of possibilities blinded by a man who speaks the words “I love you”, I saw a woman, a woman who wasn’t just any woman, one of a kind, but yet dwells in the world of misery and all we see is an ordinary woman in tears, I felt a need to hold her hand, but she won’t let me, she blames the world for her anger. I walked past her, I stopped for a moment, and from the point where I was standing, I hated being a man, to think one of my kind, destroyed a young soul and that we are all to blame. I turned yet again and still felt the need to hold her, but she won’t let me. Walking towards the shadows of the hurtful earths, I saw a woman in tears, little did I know that she was blind with two kids; I cried for a moment, what has the world turned into. I walked and I walked, I kept looking back, for my soul was hurt. Things we easily ignore, the world is a very cruel place as I kept telling myself.
The barriers created through that we can’t see beyond the eyes, the mind, beyond the impossible. Walking down a stream of all paths that are suppose to enable our vision to see clear, but in fact the fear we have overcome the dreams we share and the goals to achieve. We mumble through the words and the actions are of the unknown. Startled by the achievements of others when the paths are there of the same nature. Dominant is the negativity that led us astray. Singing songs of neglect and harmonizing through the pain, a trail of all evil, we let it sink in within, and sank well it has. Seeking for all sorts of distractions to blame, yet time is not waiting for our inward-thoughts instilled through our unconscious minds. The tongue can only explain so much, the mind can only think so much. The session to withdraw from, in a darkened room with deemed lights, the eyes can only see so much. It’s only the beginning; the end is not anywhere near.
I’ve always had an utmost respect for women; one doesn’t have to learn about women to start respecting them. It comes natural. Which reminds me that lazy afternoon, after a long power nap, I hit the streets of Johannesburg, as dangerous as I was told it was, made me feel like every day was a risk. I was new in town as everyone could tell by how I was amazed by these huge buildings and taking pictures. My enjoyment was dissolved by a scent of a man passing by reeking strongly of alcohol, that had me turn around, but when I did.
I just missed home so much that I just wanted to pack my bags and leave. I got lost in a big city and I didn’t know my way back. I fade out in emotions, looking pale, as I started to be nervous, when I hoped to be found. Felt like I was held captive, like I have nothing else to do but to negotiate with the terrorists. I had to break out from that mentally, I had to fight my way out of my own misery, maybe if I had learned that my life will never matter to anyone until it mattered to me, I would have been found by then, seemed like it was going to be a long day. I was able to find my way back, yet I was still lost. Moments you think you have figured out, when in fact there’s nothing of intelligence that can come out of the mind and thoughts, when intelligence was of abundance, I failed to be wise. I knew how to add numbers, but I didn’t know how to apply them in reality. Sometimes knowing is not enough, you have far more to do with what’s known, if you can master that then you can conquer all deeds.
“Boy, I want to teach you the life in Johannesburg”‘
As I looked at him talking about teaching me about life, I wished I could’ve told him about mine but we just met, all that we were was roommates. I didn’t have the time to let him know about what I had witnessed earlier, as to him might appear as normal.
“I am ready when you are”
We walked as he was showing me the places around the city of gold. Looking at every hopeful soul walking around, I knew that moment that we are all here for the Gold. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Then as we walked across the taxi rank, someone got robbed in the middle of the day, when everyone was watching, that lady was screaming helplessly, I wanted to go help,
My roommate pulls me back and said, “You don’t want to get involved in all this”
I was astonished and quite shocked that it happened so fast, and nobody cared as long as it didn’t happen to them. Got me asking myself time and time again: what world is this? I just knew that moment that this isn’t a place for me or for anybody. She even had fallen down, and later she got up, picked up her hand bag with a few items left scattered on the floor.
That all I had to say. I walked all the way back to my room and didn’t want to say a word. The only thing going in mind was those three ruthless guys. How do you attack such a vulnerable person? I grew up knowing that men are supposed to protect women, take care and give them all the love they need. I stand abashed to know my kind has broken our number one rule as a man. It’s funny how I still protect my own even if she’s no more. I’d never let anyone say anything bad about my mother.
Joburg just crushed me within in that moment in time. Few Months later, I auditioned for radio presenting, how excited I was when I got the job as a volunteer in a community radio station. Four Months later…
“Elected as the CEO for a weekend”
I really worked hard to make a difference in that studio as I enjoyed it dearly., when my time was up, I slept in the studio that night, came back to Joburg early in the morning, then I saw a woman in a red dress, short in stature, light in complexion, with such a beautiful smile, reminded me of the mugged woman.
“God forbids it happens to her too”
I walked, and I took a different turn, unaware. It didn’t even matter to me; I knew I was going to get to my place. I was listening to my recordings as I was presenting the show, as the CEO for that moment and how exhilarating it was, so much laughter and just so much bliss. It felt like I was back in the studio. I was just lost in it when suddenly…
There was a weird activity going on, I didn’t know what was going on, but it’s happening before my eyes. The show I was listening to just stopped, I didn’t even realize it has. I only realized after sometime that I was getting mugged by five guys with people watching at gun point, all my belongings I had in the bag I was carrying and all that I had in my pockets, my wallet were all gone. It’s only that when they were long gone when one passerby said “I thought they were your friends”. I shook my head in misbelieve, in my head I am thinking “yeah sure, and we happened to be playing with guns in public”, I went back to my room, and slept.
I drew back into turmoil of disastrous and unvigilant neighbors, shaking in my boots, when the noises I could hear were those of the man who was holding a gun “shoot him, shoot this dog”. I almost believe they were never going to shoot me in a middle of so many people to witness.
“What happened?” questions asked when I announced, when all I cared about was that I got to live to see another day, and so was that lady. I began to have this images in my head, what if he had decided to pull that trigger right there. I see myself slowly falling down, everyone screaming and running all over, as I slowly and slowly almost about to hit the ground, blood spattered everywhere. The shooter looking regretful for what he has done. Just when I hit the ground he turns slowly and runaway yet my mind and body is still breathing. I can’t get up, I am helpless, and everyone else is trying to protect their lives, I slowly see this images fading away until there’s nothing but darkness and noises, as they slowly fade as well, and a second before that of the last noise, I get a flashback of my entire life. I was awakened by that dream, sweaty, my heart burning from the shock.
I healed on my own, I came to the terms and accept the fact that it had happened, that I am just happy to be alive.
- Final CHAPTER 16 “I knew if I had stopped for some time just to take a look in the mirror and give the reflection as much affection as I would to anyone, all would be well”
- CHAPTER 15: “My life began at 13 years, 13th of June 2003, 9:00am.”, “Unrevealed truths”, “and Memories”
- CHAPTER 14: “Until suddenly, there’s silence, and… I pulled that trigger.”
- Chapter 13: “It merely comes from the heart to express the inside of a broken dream, rather a journey pierced with such hatred that in my eye creates a perception of all distraction, when in fact the reality is, It’s all just a misunderstanding.”
- CHAPTER 12: “Challenges and obstacles are to be embraced for the good job they did with me”
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